Summer Fling

Should my husband decide to ever up and leave me, I take great comfort in knowing that despite my advancing age, I'm still desirable in the eyes of certain members of the opposite sex; namely, men who are in their late forties and aren't playing with a full deck.

My list of current suitors include:
1. Rodney, the supervising manager of Chipotle. On Saturday, he gave me an extra scoop of chicken after I complimented him on his handsome Southwestern-themed bollo tie.

2. Jed, the cart collector at Costco. Despite not being absolutely sure which state houses the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he is a die-hard Tarheel fan. The last time I saw him, he shouted pleasantries about my alma mater across the parking lot. Plagued with instant remorse for cursing out a faithful customer, Jed then proceeded to abandon his collection of shopping carts and chase me down before I got to the front door. After apologizing, he offered to buy me an all-beef hot dog or slice of pizza (my choice!) from the food court.

3. Dominic, the butcher at the Italian deli. Reaching almost to my shoulder blades, Dominic is the tallest of my potential boyfriends and also the one most obsessed with my fertility. Using adjectives typically reserved for the animal products with which he works, I have overheard him describe me more than once as "good breeding stock" to his co-workers.

When I didn't see Dominic for six weeks, I thought that he had been fired or took a job with the neighborhood slaughterhouse. I was about ready to look for a new beau when out of nowhere Dominic suddenly reappeared.

"You've probably been wondering where I've been," Dominic said, as he sliced my turkey. I really didn't want to know where Dominic spends his time outside the deli, but he felt compelled to tell me--and the long line of customers standing behind me--anyway.

"I was in jail," he said, giggling. "Now I'm on house arrest. I'm allowed to go to work and that's it."
"Where were you at?" asked the man standing behind me. After comparing notes, the two men figured out that they had an incarcerated friend in common.

Before handing me my bag of sliced turkey, Dominic told me that he had been arrested for a DUI. He described his arrest, his court date, and his jail term as if they were rides at an amusement park. He ended his tale with a flattering proposal. "If you want to go on a date with me," he said with a knowing wink, "You'll have to drive because my license is revoked...again!"

I turned down the invitation on the grounds that next to mass murderers, drunk drivers are my least favorite group of people.

When I returned home, I crossed Dominic's name off my "Summer Fling" list.

"Down one already?" my husband observed with a wry smile.

I was in no mood for his mockery. After my husband left the room, I began mourning my loss.

A good man is hard to find.