Yesterday morning I received an email from my sister's former roommate inviting me to a little pre-wedding Bachelorette party.
Before I go any further, I must clarify that this is a Mormon Bachelorette party. It's going to be held at someone's house and the most scandalous thing about it will be the presence of caffeinated soda.
Shortly after receiving this email, I got a follow up phone call from the bride-to-be.
"Are you coming?" she wanted to know.
"Wouldn't miss it,"I replied. "What can I bring?"
"Your Costco card," she said.
At least she's honest.
In attendance at the party will be all of my sister's friends as well as several of my obnoxiously cute and wrinkle-free younger sisters and cousins. I am going to be the oldest person at the party by 8 years and 8 months, but whose counting?
Here's my dilemma: I need to be nice enough to my relatives and sister's friends so that they will watch my kids during the wedding ceremony, but off-putting enough to command the respect I deserve as the alpha female. I plan to navigate this difficult terrain in my new pair of skinny jeans.
"You do that," said my sister.
What I didn't tell my sister is that the jeans have an elastic waistband.
"You are not to talk to anyone at the party about miracle bras, Dancing With the Stars, or Everyday Math," she told me.
Sadly, these restrictions leave me little to talk about except elastic waistband skinny jeans...which are amazing by the way. I bought them at the mall earlier this week for $9.50. For some reason, they didn't sell well and had to be practically given away. They remind me a little of maternity pantyhose, but I choose to repress such negative connotations in favor of the promise of being accepted by a group of people who were born when I was in high school.
Jana! Just stalking your blog in order to get through the work day. We are so excited you and Camber are coming and you can talk about anything you want. Maybe you could prepare a special seminar on dating--we'd love it! See you this weekend!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!!! You crack me up! Perhaps you need to do some last minute brush up on universal conversation dominators...politics, global warming, foreign policy.... or at least watch a few episodes of Glee and listen to some David Archuleta so that you can fit in!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy a Dr. Pepper for me!
If I can quote one of my favorite movies, PS I Love You, "You have much better stuff than those tarts, you're experienced."
ReplyDeleteYou flaunt it in those skinny jeans, not too many people can actually pull those off and look good. You are a rare breed my friend.
The thought of elastic waistband skinny jeans frightens me a little!
ReplyDeletebest postof the day-right here!
ReplyDeleteYour comparison of skinny jeans to panty hose still has me chuckling. Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteCheer up. You could be me--I nursed a baby at my oldest daughter's shower in February.
ReplyDeleteOh, that's right. It also was a Mormon shower.
Still made me feel young/old/weird.
You can always reference all the experiences you have to embarrass said sister. There should be plenty. You don't need her to watch the kids!
Have you heard of the jean pajama??? I heard Glenn Beck talking about it the other day. THey are nice enough to wear out as jeans but still comfy enough as pajamas. I still need to check them out but I bet they would be just as good as the elastic waist jean.
ReplyDeleteWait, you got $9 jeans at the mall? I know how you feel, an organization I am a member of gives away a scholarship each spring to a high school senior. When I met this year's recipient, she called me "ma'am". I was just about to tell her not to call me that when it struck me that I am twenty years older. I wasn't even in high school, I was in COLLEGE when she was born.
ReplyDeleteJana,
ReplyDeleteI thought of you when I read this article in the paper.
http://wcco.com/health/crohns.disease.sufferers.2.1704152.html
Sheri
Good luck at the bachelorette party. I am not sure I have been to a bachelorette party that didn't involve some serious embarassing of the bride-to-be, and penis paraphanilia. I suppose your family frowns upon those type of things.
ReplyDeleteHow rude of your sister to put a kabash on your conversation topics! Miracle bras are fabulous and one day the bride-to-be is gonna need to know about them!
ReplyDeleteElastic waist-band skinny jeans... reminds me of elastic waist stirrup pants from the 80's and 90's...
You work it girl!
Mormon bridal shower/bachelorette parties are the best! I went to a non-mormon one and was so bored. There was no giggling over silly lingerie and everyone bought the bride-to-be stuff from her wedding registry. boo!
ReplyDeleteAlso...where did you buy these skinny jeans?
Uhm- hello- you can talk about those kiddie band things!! Duh-!! This 20 year-old at my work bought them, and before I had thought about it I blurted out, "Oh- those are the things 8 year-olds wear!!"
ReplyDeleteHe was mad- which he Tweeted ( not spoken ) ( gotta' love the internet )!! ANDDDDDDDD You could talk about me... I'm fab doll! Go for it! Love me!
Oh hilarious!!! One of your best posts. So funny! Thank you for a much needed laugh tonight.
ReplyDeletePicture! Picture! Must have a picture of the elastic band skinny jeans!
ReplyDeleteI bought a pair of maternity pantyhose. I got them out of the package and washed them, but I never wore them. I just decided the entire concept was wrong.
ReplyDeleteJust wear a longer shirt to cover the elastic waist of your skinny jeans, and go with it! No one ever has to know...unless you can't think of anything else to say and tell them, of course. :)
oohhhh, they sounds remarkably like the (egregiously over priced) pajama jeans i got for mother's day. fantastic!
ReplyDeleteI am interested in where you bought the skinny jeans for such a bargain! And you mention elastic in them-- my heart is all twitter! And I can not believe your sister put the nix on the topic of Everyday Math!
ReplyDeleteI'm confused - why is your Costco card needed at a Bachelorette Party? To buy the supplies for the whale centerpieces?
ReplyDeleteI'm also unaware of these jean pajamas.
Am I that clueless? Someone, please fill the Catholic chick from Ohio in on these new fangled inventions! (and the necessity of the Costco card...)
And as always - please take and post a plethora of pictures this weekend! Your readers are DYING for details!!!
Seriously, no Math? Math is awesome! Math is your friend. And I'm sure they will want to hear about Miracle Bras. I only wish someone would have told me about them sooner.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about the Costco card as well. Are you buying stuff for the shower? Turning over the card? Buying wedding food supplies? I need more detail.
ReplyDeleteWait a minute -- are those skinny jeans really spandex denim leggings? Cuz that's as whole nother shower conversation!
ReplyDeleteYou could always share your birth stories...those usually carry a signifcant shock value to those who have yet to experience it! :) If that doesn't work, you could suggest (and lead) a round of the "Macarena." If they are horrified, just say, "Oh my heck, it must be the dang caffeine!"
ReplyDeleteHave fun! :)
Have a good time. Tell me more about these skinny jeans. I think I would like some. Could it be my age??? (50)
ReplyDeleteHow is it possible that you can make me laugh every time I read your blog? Love it!
ReplyDeleteHah!
ReplyDeleteI had one of those moments this week. Signed up a new volunteer for a group I run...lovely woman with sweet 5 year old daughter.
I did a double take reading her date of birth on the form.
That can't be right?! Can it?
Oh, yes it was.
She was 7 day's old the day I got married...Married!
....I LOVE jeans with an elastic waistband! I discovered them in my moms closet during highschool... and wore them with long flowey shirts. Best invention EVER. Now, 6 years later, i still love them
ReplyDeleteI always like to bring up the topic of birth control at mormon bachelorette parties. It seems to go over well with all the single women and especially the new bride to be.
ReplyDeleteHa! Love all the wedding/shower posts.
ReplyDeleteWell..... *silver lining! silver lining!!* At least there not polyester!?!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a really exciting shower. "Want to hear about my elastic waist skinny jeans?"
ReplyDeleteHahahaa. You are so great. I feel your pain. I experienced something very similar last year when my sister who is 8 years younger than me got married. This brings back so many memories.
ReplyDeleteEveryday Math...I have a few words to say about that too! zzzzz(http://chasingmolly.com/blog/index.php?s=math) But If I could fit my big butt into a pair of skinny jeans you bet that's all I would talk about!
ReplyDeleteI married someone who was born when I was in high school. Okay, He was in kindergarten when I graduated. Thanks to that, I'm now in my 40's living in a duplex while he goes to school. I'm the oldest person in my ward - which is like a student ward - and recently realized I'm the same age as most of my current friends' mothers. It's a good life though, wouldn't trade it.
ReplyDeleteThe louis vuitton bags is a staple piece, a simple black bag with double top handles. But there is less structure to this louis handbags , it feels and looks more casual than a Birkin. And then there is the price, Damier Canvas is astoundingly under $900, which compared to other handbag prices is ridiculously low. Of all the Damier Azur for sale, this is my favorite, always has been.
ReplyDelete