Last night, I went to T.J. Maxx and purchased an accent pillow decorated with a bird.
"Birds are 'in,'" I told my husband when he shriveled up his nose.
After a few hours, the bird started to remind me of Edgar Allen Poe's raven.
"I'm taking Cameron to the store and I'll be back in 30 minutes,"I called as I walked out the door.
The cashier who processed the return was a long-time employee of T.J. Maxx. Her name tag indicated that she had been working there since 2011.
"Hello little boy!" she said to my two year-old, who was sitting quietly in the shopping cart, with his finger up his nose. "You sure are a cute little guy."
This made me smile.
"You need to be careful," the woman continued without looking at me. "Your mommy needs to strap you in the cart or else you are going to fall out and get hurt."
This made me stop smiling.
I love when people talk to me through my children.
I pointed to the stubs of what once comprised the two ends of a shopping cart seat belt. "None of your carts have seat belts," I told the woman.
This was an irrelevant point.
"All children riding in shopping carts should be strapped in, shouldn't they?" she asked my son.
The woman handed me back my receipt with a smile.
It was at that moment that I began to regret my decision to return the bird pillow. The store was empty and the woman was the only cashier on duty.
It took a few minutes, but I bought and returned the same bird pillow again. By the end of the fourth transaction, I felt very confident that the woman felt the same way about me that I felt about her.
I just found your blog and have been spending most of last night and today reading through the whole thing. Yours is the funniest I have ever read. And, I have to say, I am very impressed by your tongue-in-cheek methods of dealing with people. Honestly - people can be so ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteYou bought and returned the same pillow FOUR TIMES?? BAHAHA!!
ReplyDeleteI say MWAHAHAHAHA!! It sounds eviler.;)
ReplyDeleteI am seriously trying this out on the next cashier who ticks me off. But maybe I'll try it with a dripping piece of raw meat?
ReplyDeleteSweet Justice!!!
ReplyDeleteOooooooh, that ticks me off when people do that.
ReplyDeleteNow that's hilarious!!!!! Way to go!!!
ReplyDeleteGod Bless~
Debbie Jean
OMG. You.Are.The.Best.Ever. I kneel humbly at your feet.
ReplyDeletemexicanmisfit.blogspot.com
You rock Jana! I love your blog and I am a faithful reader;) Your blog reminds me I am not the only one....
ReplyDeleteReminds me of when my daughter was 2 months old and I took her to get her picture taken. I scheduled the appointment when I knew she'd be full (I nursed in the car before we went in) and when she'd be less crabby (not during prime napping time). We were taken back by the photographer nearly a 1/2 hour AFTER our appointment time so by the time we were sitting looking at pictures to order she was crabby and needed to eat again. The woman helping me says to my 2 month old, "next time Mommy needs to feed you before you come" I wanted to punch her. Your solution was MUCH more effective.
ReplyDeleteI get that a lot. With very active, wiggly children who can escape any strap and buckle, they do not sit quietly in carts. However, I don't really care. As long as the child is in the cart, I don't care if they sit, stand, or hang out the front. And nope, I've never had one fall out of the cart, despite hundreds of strangers having panic attacks that they will. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I did have a cart tip over while full of children, and it had nothing to do with the child standing up in the seat. The one not in the cart jumped on the side of the cart and that pushed the balance too far, and down they all went. Oops.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't?! Seriously? Bwahahahaha. I love it.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, that's awesome. What a Beeeotch! Not you, her... you deserved to be one :)
ReplyDeleteOne of my biggest pet peeves. I have somehow managed to raise 5 kids who have NEVER fallen out of a cart despite the very concerned women who constantly tell them how lazy their mother is not to strap them in. It's a January miracle that they are still alive.
ReplyDeleteAlmost as good as the soccer balls that became a cute pair of shoes!
ReplyDeleteSeriously? I don't know if I would have even thought of doing that...I like the way your mind works!
ReplyDeleteOne of my 14 month old babies just fell out of the cart at Target. . . my first reaction, I looked quickly around to see if any of the employee's had seen it. I was SO HAPPY, for once, not to see even one! He was ok, he had a soft landing on all the clothes he had pulled off the shelf.
ReplyDeleteGreat retaliation!
ReplyDeleteI am now considering teaching my kids to give buttinsky their own warning about "moms criticized by strangers."
I think it's worse when people use the kid's "voice" to talk to you. You know: "Mommy, buckle me up! I'm scawed dat I might faw!" Blerg.
ReplyDeleteLOL seriously, holy cow...I love it!!!
ReplyDeleteJen
www.monogrammedeverything.com
I used to be a cashier, and I can tell you, that I would find it very annoying if a customer did that. LOL. But very funny! Honestly, it doesn't matter if they aren't strapped in as long as your watching them, and they are sitting in it properly. It's wrong when you let your kids stand up in the cart, climb all over the thing, and run around the store like a chicken with their head cut off. :S
ReplyDeleteToo funny--love it!
ReplyDeleteI get SO annoyed at the Target cashiers who ostentatiously offer my girls stickers if they are "sitting properly" in the cart. If they aren't, no stickers for them. Really?!!!!
I just found your blog as well and can I just tell you that I love it so much that I couldn’t stop reading. I spent the day reading your blog while my spawn systematically destroyed my house despite my best efforts to stop them without getting off the couch. As soon as I’m done googling “excuses to tell your husband when he arrives home from work for why there is lotion all over his pillow and peanut butter on the dog’s face” I’m going to get right back to it. Thank you for reminding me of what a great mother I am!
ReplyDeleteThat is so annoying. Next time I think I'm just going to lower my face to be in front of my child's so I can stare the weirdo in the face and say, "Really? Are you honestly trying to talk to an adult about something you feel is important by talking through her kid?"
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I just have to comment on this one. That is my biggest pet peeve ever... store clerks who try to parent my children while I'm standing right there... grrr! It's always some 16 year old too. LOVE this post!
ReplyDeleteAnnoying! I hate when strangers try and tell me how to deal with my kids. I also hate when all the shopping cart buckles are broken because I normally need to strap my 2 year old in so he stays put! I also hate when employees tell ,e not to let my son stand in the back of the cart. He is happy and being good so he can stand in the back of the cart if he wants!
ReplyDeleteI think I would have bought a men's tie, used it to strap my kid down as I drove him speeding around the store making vvvrroooom vvvrrrooom noises and then returned it.
ReplyDeleteFunny Stuff I Write
HAHAHAHA!! I love relaying your stories to my hubby. For years he thought I was the only one that would do these sorts of things. Every time I do or say something out of the norm all I hear is 'WHO does that? seriously??' Thank you so much for sharing and validating my own crazy. heeheehee I keep telling him women like me may soon rule the world.
ReplyDeleteFour times though? I don't know if I could have pulled off #4 with a straight face. I bow to the queen.
Kjo
I do the same thing, but I'm wondering why we end up revolving around big box stores these days? Any ideas?
ReplyDeleteWonderful hilarity. I also strongly dislike when people speak sideways to anyone through their kids. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteWait - unless it's something positive. I would totally do that - ie: "you have such a good mama, hey? she's so wonderful and beautiful - she sure loves you!"
Then I'm okay with it.
Here's to returning your pillow... again. Kind of a shame, it's a pretty pillow.
Just playin'.
But well done. Well done.
You had me laughing at "pillow talk"!
ReplyDelete... you rock! what else is there to say?
ReplyDeleteThat was perfect, I bow to you.
ReplyDeleteThat was so funny I had to read it out loud to my hub :)
ReplyDeleteOh, classic! I would never have the nerve/courage to buy and return something 4 times like that. I just love you!
ReplyDeleteSO funny. I also love it when people talk through my children to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I live hours away from stores and the doctors office, so when I had to take my two week old to a check up we stopped at Walmart to get some groceries as well. The checkout lady told my teeny tiny infant what a "brave" mom I was to take him out in the middle of flu season and how he'd probably be much happier at home. I told her he'd be just fine as long as people, including cashiers, kept away from him. She said she knew tons of sick people and then tried to touch his little hand. I just about slapped hers trying to keep her away. I should have just bought some gum and then tried to return it :)
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up!!! I found your blog over the holidays and it is much needed humor as I am sorting out how to be the mom of four - six and under. Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteFunny! What makes people think it is ok to say this crap to you? I liked your response to it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I worked in retail, we had a training video about talking to kids, not to parents, about being strapped in. I found it very weird, and I never saw a co-worker do it, but that was what we were taught.
ReplyDeleteHer apathy towards the lack of straps is kind of astounding... so even though I worked in retail, I think you might have done the right thing :)
You had me at "meanest"... I, too, am in the running I'm told. (However, my 6 year olds' liittle friend told me I was the COOLEST mom yesterday since I let her ride in the car without a seatbelt. Ok, no judging, she lives 10 houses down.)
ReplyDeleteAnyways, LOVE your site ... new follower. Stop on over to www.southernMOMentum.com ... we are a collaboration of sleep deprived genXers hoping to inspire moms to ditch the cape & enjoy the journey!
Cheers,
Stephanie
In case your husband is in the search of another bird pillow:
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/gtOcEj
AND
... here's something to compliment it! :) Hoo-Hoo!
http://bit.ly/h3AyEx
i too love it when people try to talk to me through my child. my mom perfected that technique w/ our first son. perfected.
ReplyDeleteI understand so perfectly, I loath those situations.
ReplyDeleteSame vile woman who mutilated her son's genitals then blogged about how funny it was.
ReplyDelete