September 29, 2008

Don't Try This At Home

I have always wanted to try a home waxing product, so a few days ago I dug one out of the clearance bin at my local grocery store and bought it. The fact that the wax strips were made by a company that specializes in maxi pads and tampons did not deter me from purchasing them; neither did the fact that most people experiment with over-the-counter delapitories when they are 13 and at a slumber party, not over 30 and alone.

All the way home from the store, I thought about what I was going to wax first. For a very brief moment, I actually thought about following the directions on the back of the box and testing the product first on my arm or leg, but due to the fact that half of the waxing strips were M.I.A. (which explains why they were on sale), I decided that I simply couldn't afford to waste any of my precious supply on parts of my body where I prefer hair to grow as long as possible in the winter.

In the end, I went straight for the least sensitive part of my body: the armpit. The directions said to heat up the strip of wax by rubbing it in your palm for five seconds. Check. The next step was to apply the wax strip and press it firmly into place. Check. The final step was to pull off the wax strip very quickly in the opposite direction as the hair growth. Check.

The wax strips worked great, except for the fact that they didn't remove any hair on the first attempt. Or the second, third, or fourth.

While the strips failed to remove my unwanted underarm hair, they did leave behind a thick film of sticky pink wax in my armpit crevice, something for which I am profoundly grateful. I always wondered what it would be like to glue my armpits shut, and now I know. It is just as wonderful as I imagined. What is equally wonderful is realizing that the process of ungluing one's armpits is going to include a bottle of liquid soap, two cups of vegetable oil, a toothbrush, and a husband who can't understand why I would put so many wax strips on such a small square footage of skin.

Now that the swelling has gone down and my skin cells have begun to regenerate, I am plotting my next move. Instead of boycotting the wax strips, I am going to write to Carefree and ask for a lot more. When my cargo-sized shipment of free waxing strips arrives in the mail, I'll invite you all over for a slumber party and we can test these puppies out on your armpits, bikini lines, and upper lips.


Karen said...

Rubbing between your hands just doesn't get them hot enough to work, I suggest a hairdryer. Not that I have ever had to wax anything. :-)

Likes Chocolate said...

Ouch!!!! It must be the lack of oxygen to the brain from pregnancy; otherwise what sain person would do this to themselves. Oh, for the name game, I thought of a couple new names Chancelor, Chandler, or Kensington. What do you think?

Jen said...

Reading that reminds me of my first hair-removal experience almost 2 decades ago...
For my 12th b-day, my mom bought me a new-fangled device called the "epilady"...remember that? It was a torture device marketed in the early 90s as a hair-removal device. It had 3 metal coils that circulated and yanked your hair out by the roots! I opted for the old Daisy disposable razor instead. However, since it was my first time to shave, and I was scared to cut myself, my mother had to crawl in the tub with me and SHAVE MY LEGS for me! Nice image, huh?

Rachel said...

I've done the full waxing of the nether regions. I used the pot of microwave wax, supposedly 'pain free.' What a joke! It was excruciatingly painful and left hideous bruises. After all that torture, the idiot I was dating didn't even notice anyway. Never again, I say!

Triplethefunplus2 said...

I'll get my plane ticket ready!

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Thanks for the laugh! That is too funny!

I tried my upper lip once. The hilarity that ensued was too much to bare. I ended up with an upper lip that was missing skin in places and lots of little zits days later!

Jana said...

Looks like it's going to be quite the party at my place!

Jen-make sure you bring your Epilady! I totally forgot about that thing. What a shame that it's not on the market anymore!

'Cuz I felt like it: I nominate you to do all of the waxing.

Likes Chocolate: Like your names...especially Chancellor. Could upgrade nicely to "King" when the baby has his own kids.

Twinlinebackers said...

What? No pictures of the glue on your armpit or your husband chiseling it off? No fair.

Have you considered using the strips to glue your children to their chairs at dinnertime?

Me said...

Two Words: NO WAY! (Ouch!)

Candice said...

I'm so glad you tested it out on your pits first. Otherwise you could have your panties permanently glued to your privates, and that isn't really cool so close to your due date and all.

Carrie said...

I don't know if you saw the post on my blog about at home waxing but I had a not so good experience too! I think companies that make that stuff must be partnered with spas...they make the products not work or create pain so we'll be forced to fork over money at a spa!

Glad your armpits are feeling better!

Solei said...

lol, that was too funny!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

That was hilarious. Sounds like a party I'd be a fool to miss.

Janille said...

Oh the epilady! My best friend in high school got one and we tried in on her leg -OUCH! She had blood oozing from her pores after one swipe. And it seemd like such a good idea . . . .

I tried home waxing my upper lip once - fortunately I did it on a weekend when I didn't have to go out anywhere - it did take the hair off, but I had a Bubba lip the whole weekend. My husband laughed but felt so sorry for me. I don't think the kids noticed anything new . . .

I have a bikini wax kit that mocks me from the bottom of the bathroom cabinet.

I am saving up for laser hair removal, right after I do laser eye fixing.

Elisa said...

Ehm... I would love to come visit, but I think I can say with certainty that the day this waxing/slumber party takes place I will be away, have a dentist appointment and/or family visiting - sorry! But you girls have fun!

Mrs. Morty said...

OH DEAR I'M CRYING!!! not from the pain, from the laughter. I'm so sorry for your armpit mishap. I was so worried you'd "go there" with it on first try.

Sheila said...

Ever tried Nair? Still use it on the lip, much better than waxing and it has a somewhat pleasant smell to it. I once used the epilady. It hurts just to think about it. Whoever thought up that thing never used it or numbed their boy parts before using it. OUCH!!
My sister waxed my lip once. It brought out the pimples, had to do some major acne damage for the next 2 years. It scares me to even think of wax.

Anonymous said...

I am so coming to your house for a slumber party. And I will bring a HUGE bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough to share, which has always been a staple of slumber parties for me. :)

Jana said...

Yippee! This party is going to be fun.

Twinlinebackers: As tempting as it is to put a picture of my armpit on the internet, I'm going to have to pass. The urge is strong, though, I want you to know. Very strong indeed.

Momma-of-5 said...

2 Things: 1) Karen's need to warm it up in between your hands for a few minutes. & 2) Don't wax while you're pregnant! Your skin is SO much more sensitive! You'll get such bad razor burn!

Nikki said...

My question is: Whose Idea was it to give ladies underarm hair anyway? And would it be too much to ask if our bikini lines kept themselves in shape???

Oh wax - it reminds me of the evil one, a creation from H**L for sure!!!!

Bringhurst Family said...

I tried waxing my legs as a teenager. It was right before church. I had a similar outcome which I had to then quickly hide under some tights to make it to church. Uh tights can really stick to that residue your talking about. It was fairly traumatic.

Anonymous said...

Ok this reminded me of a joke someone sent me.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should get the wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise - the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.


So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my
hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.

I am touching wax. S&%T! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. ****!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So now I am stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now.I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night while we go through various solutions.

I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..................................THE HAIR IS STILL HERE...................ALL OF IT!!!!!

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Kent said...

The fact that I am a regular visitor to a blog with posts of this nature makes me extremely anxious about my masculinity. I don't know how long I can uphold my gender image if I keep reading a blog about home waxing products. Could you throw a bone to your male readers and experiment every once in a while with a commensurately masculine enterprise? Maybe a do-it-yourself home vasectomy kit?

And while I'm at it, the other thing that makes me uncomfortable about my regular readership is the fact that so many of your visitors were unsure about the sex of your baby--even though you announced it in Rule #1! I have to say, it's disturbing to find myself in a demographic with such piss-poor reading comprehension.

Shell said...

I just stumbled onto your blog. And I needed a laugh more than anything. Sorry you were the one I was laughing and wishing/hoping you live in my neighborhood or town.
Your account of trying the Wax strips was priceless.
Thank you