September 5, 2008

I'll Love You Till the Day I Die

I have found love in the strangest of at the Halloween display at my local Michael's (chain arts and crafts store). Yesterday, we bumped into a newlywed couple while searching for the advertised weekly special: an animatronic skeleton shackled inside a jail cell made out of bones. Despite the ferocity with which Mr. Bones rattled his cage, the skeleton couldn't detract attention away from the happy couple.

Always eager to teach my children about the value of love and importance of marital commitment, we stopped to talk to the couple and offer up our warmest congratulations.

"I've loved her since the day I died!" screeched the groom.
"Isn't that sweet?" I asked my kids.
The bride just blinked her eyes...which were attached to the head that was dangling from her right hand.
"What happened to her head?" asked Kellen, examining the bloody stump that was the bride's neck.

I was spared having to explain the complications of decapitation by the bride who, overwhelmed with emotion on her big day, suddenly burst into violent convulsions. My kids felt bad for the woman, but not bad enough to save her from a second seizure. As soon as number 1 subsided, they squeezed the "push here" button on the bride's ring finger for a second time.

Watching his bride suffer made the groom very angry.
"I'll have her and hold her over my dead body!" he screamed, rolling his eyes into the back of his head for good measure.
"Now that's true love," I admired.
"That's disgusting," scoffed another mom, as she pushed a shopping cart full of sobbing children past us.

I learned from Chatty Cathy at the check-out stand that there is a minor uproar in my town over Bloody Mary and her ashen-faced groom. Despite receiving complaints from several angry moms, the store refuses to ask the couple to honeymoon elsewhere.

I for one support the store's decision. The poor bride and groom are being judged solely on appearance, and that's simply not fair. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have their head on their shoulders. What is clear, however, is that the couple loves each other very much. Moreover, they aren't afraid to vocalize their affections, something that my husband and I have struggled with as of late.

Inspired by the couple's loving devotion, I took it upon myself to glean a few pointers from them. I even wrote down some of the couple's best "sweet nothings" on the back of a grocery receipt. Dinner seemed an appropriate time to pull one out. I dug my wedding veil out of the kids' dress up box and put it on.

"I'd kill to watch a movie with you tonight," I cackled to my husband.
"You're scaring me," he said.


Anonymous said...

I love this. We should all communicate so well. LOL

Lara said...

We were at the craft store yesterday and they ahd a bunch of similar characters hanging from the ceiling. My 2 year old was intrigued, and asked me what one of them was.

It's a Mummy, I told her.

Naturally, all the rest of them were Daddy. :)

Nikki said...

It is so true: Not all of us are fortunate enough to have our heads attached to our shoulders....of late I have found some of the less fortunate as I watch moms and dads swarm Wal-Mart in preparation for college, which begins on Monday

mamajil said...

I needed this laugh!!
Very entertaining post!

Jana said...

I am so thinking of buying the couple. You know, with the 40% off coupon, they don't cost all that much. Plus, as an added bonus, I think that the groom might fit into the Santa suit that I bought at the thrift store last year.

lea said...

that is the funniest thing! i love it and i love their commitment to marriage in today's throw away culture. they stand head and shoulders above the crowd... well at least one of them does...

Nana's heart said...

If the newest addition to your home is between "Mr. Bones" and the "Newlyweds"-----I vote for the Newlyweds----- only because I'm "dying" to see a picture of him in December. I see no reason why the headless bride can't be transformed into Mrs. Clause.

Nikki said...

Buy them!!!

The Tobler bunch said...

That was absolutely awesome! Thanks for the laugh! My kids think that stuff like that is cool. I will have to show my son this one. You are a fabulous and creative writer and you are a mom at best.

mommyofthree said...


My Ice Cream Diary said...

That's it! We are going on a field trip today to Micheal's craft store. WOO HOOO.

I'll be sorely dissapointed if my Micheal's only has Martha Stewarty pumpkins and no dead lovers.

Andrae said...

I love your blog. I can't even remember how I came upon it, but everyday I look forward to reading your post. You are able to say what I am thinking. I love that you laugh with life. And I loved your mom logic article. I say amen. Where did the "fairness" hype come from anyway?

NĂ©na said...

I have the Bride, she is an excellent spook during Halloween....and when my roommates open the close door only to be struck down by her yellow eyes.