One Fantastik Cat

Most cats have appetites conducive to self-feeders. After doubling her body weight in just four weeks, however, we learned that Millie is not one of them. Despite being fed two square meals a day, Millie behaves as if she is on the brink of starvation. It is not uncommon, for example, to open the pantry door and find the feline sitting on the middle shelf, gnawing a hole through a box of graham crackers. It is equally unsurprising to find her curled up inside the kitchen trash can, bloated with frozen peas and cantaloupe rinds. On a near-daily basis, I find remnants of hamburger buns under my bed, punctured bags of pretzels next to the litter box, and hairy sticks of butter lying in the middle of the bathroom floor.

Not surprisingly, Millie struggles with her weight. Every few months, the cat's obesity begins to inhibit her quality of life, plus her breath begins to stink. When this does, my husband takes matters into his own hands and puts the poor cat on a tough love diet. My role in this kitty weight loss plan involves sitting at the kitchen table with a squirt bottle and waiting for the cat to either pry open a kitchen cabinet with her paw, or push a bagged or boxed food item off of a pantry shelf. When she does, that's my cue to fire off a single squirt of water in the direction of her rear end. Usually, this causes the cat to waddle off, unless of course, she is really hungry, in which case she barks out a disgruntled "meow" and continues about her business as if I wasn't there.

Yesterday was the first day of Millie's new diet. A few hours after I broke the sad news to the cat, she came walking into my bedroom soaking wet.
"Who squirted Millie?" I called out.
"I did!" Camber replied. My daughter went on to explain that she caught the cat inside a Costco-sized bag of tortilla chips.
"Next time, let me do the squirting please," I said.
I was drying off the cat with a bath towel when I noticed that the animal smelled citrus fresh.
"Hey Camber," I called out again, "What did you spray Millie with?"

The answer was sitting on my kitchen counter. Next to the water bottle was a spray bottle of Fantastik all-purpose cleaner.