December 5, 2008

So That's What They're For

On the way to preschool yesterday morning, Cortlen began squeezing his nipples.

"Does milk come out of boys' breasts?" he wanted to know.

I want to be truthful with my children, so I took a deep breath and answered "yes."

My knowledge of male lactation comes from a very reliable source: a book that I purchased at the thrift store last week titled So That's What They're For! I was willing to part with 35 cents in hopes that the book would reveal a function of female breasts of which I am not aware. For example, maybe they conduct electricity.

I was disappointed to discover that the book's discussion of breasts was limited to breastfeeding. By the time I got to the chapter on breast infections and inverted nipples, however, I had forgotten all about alternative energy sources. I had no idea. Something else that I learned from this book is that all mammals have mammary glands. Even males. This information led me to conduct a detailed online search of men and breastfeeding which, in turn, led me to an article about fathers who nurse their sons.

Cortlen was visibly disturbed when I asked him if he wanted to try to feed Cameron. He was not disturbed enough, however, to stop pinching his chest. He squeezed all the way into preschool. By the time I picked him up, he appeared to have gotten over the urge.

"For some strange reason, Cortlen thinks men can lactate," my son's teacher told me at the front door. She giggled nervously and looked at me for reassurance that this information did not come from me.

This is our third year at the preschool; the teacher should know better by now.

I'm finished with So That's What They're For! and I think that Cortlen's teacher will really enjoy reading it. Thank goodness Christmas is just around the corner.


Tobler Bunch said...

That was awesome! I am going to have to tell that one to my husband! Maybe he would like to try and nurse our next child!

kori bates said...

OMG!!!!! I can not stop LAUGHING...I can just imagine My prescholler doing did you keep a straight face??

Becky said...

So, my father-in-law lactated. On one side.

Believe me, it was not even the smallest bit awkward when he told us at their family Sunday dinner. I sat there and smiled while nodding my head while really I was thinking, "SAY WHAT?!?!"

His Dr. didn't think it was "normal" (apparently he forgot to read that book) so my FIL had his glands and nipple removed.

My FIL has one nipple.

Seriously, not awkward. At all. Especially how he likes to talk about it.

I would be happy to be a reference for the Christmas Card.

Lauren said...

This is hilarious. Actually, I took a class where they talked about men lactating. Apparently, it's not as nourishing as female breast milk, but men in the Pacific islands sometimes act as human pacifiers for their babies. I always knew they (men and male nipples) had some sort of purpose...

Marissa said...

Ok, I really do trust you, but I thought a male nursing was a bit over the top. So I googled it myself and OMGosh you were right!
My hubby said he will never get a baby close to his chest again to ensure that he never lactates. LOL

Jana said...

For those of you who have breast pumps lying around the house that are being underutilized...this may be your answer.

Janille said...

Yep it's all true. Mammary glands are amazing things. Even women who haven't given birth can produce milk and feed babies, like if they adopted or something.

Hopefully your preschool teacher went home and googled it too. Your book should be the #1 white elephant git this season - think of all the education you can provide to the populace at large!!!

Candice said...

This is information that will NEVER be given to my 5 yr old son. He would be so excited!

You have been tagged by the way. Stop on by my blog for directions. Come on.. it's not like you have anything else to do. ;)

Elisa said...

I'm sorry, I coulnd't read anything past "fathers who nurse their sons". Seriously???

Nikki said...

I can't even comment due to the fact that I am in tears!!

p.s. my wonderful husband says there is no way that he's letting anything get close enough to test the theory...

Steph said...

Ok, so think about all the books and articles on nursing and breastfeeding support. Can you imagine if men, in the interest of equal opportunity, get ahold of your blog and find out that THEY TOO CAN BREASTFEED??

Whatever will the world come to? Stop posting such topics. Us women have to have SOMETHING to one-up these men!

hee hee


The Millhouse Family said...

LOL That was a great story! When my daughter was three she wanted to feed our son. When I told her he could only have mommy's milk. She replied "that's ok, mine have juice!"