March 15, 2009

Boy Books


The subject of many books for early readers is a short vowel animal. This is a good thing if you like fluffy cats, big ducks, and dogs named Biscuit, but a bad thing if you prefer spitting cobras and flesh-eating parasites.

"I am definitely not reading a book about a pig that likes to jig," said Cortlen matter-of-factly.

Kellen concurred.

Fortunately, my J.C. Penney catalog arrived in the mail the same day.






Be sure to check out my other best-selling children's books: The Rabid Dog, The Pig That Became Pork, and The Poisonous Muffin.

84 comments

Karen said...

Excellent children's book! I'm sure kids everywhere would love it. The parents...maybe not so much!

Heather said...

AWESOME!! Where can I get one of your books? I would prefer reading that over Biscuit as well!! ha ha ha GENIUS!!

Gina said...

My two year old adores Biscuit. I adore YOUR book.

Lani said...

That is destined to be a classic. Where can I get a signed copy?

Sarah said...

Oh that is too funny! I think you should have it published. As I have two boys who will be looking for books soon, I would buy it.

Robin said...

Oh, you SO have a future as a children't writer! WHO KNEW?

Stephanie said...

Perfect. You and I have the same brainwave when it comes to teaching our children to read. I would say you should market these books, except that just the other day I got a call from my sons teacher- telling me that he had to talk to the principal because at recess he had threatened another child's life! Children aren't permitted to have an imagination anymore- and he learned whatever he had said from watching Spongebob! So what would you do to keep your children from turning homicidal on the playground?

Tabitha (From Single to Married) said...

All I can say is that takes some serious creativity - bravo!

Robin said...

OH, I forgot to mention....I have some perfect rainy day fun for kids....especially little boys! Let me just say....it involves PEEPS, a microwave, and a metal twist tie!

http://alabamaslackermama.blogspot.com/2009/03/springtime-is-hereso-that-means-its.html#comments

Robin

Sherry said...

Whatever it takes to get them reading, that's what I say. And I think your books are awesome. Maybe when I have kids one day (whenever that may be) I'll hit you up on borrowing those "readers."

Renny said...

You crack me up.

Ilana said...

Great read! I love that you have not neglected to point out Tom's hotness to your kids. Important lessons. :)

Cindy said...

LOL! Did you ever read that list of book titles that never made it? My kids' favorites were "Grandpa Gets a Coffin" and "Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Microwave Games." ;)

Carey-Life in the Carpool Lane said...

Coming out of Lurkerville...

Too funny! That is the type of book my boys will be wanting read...watch out puppies and kitties!

Chanda said...

OK - just spent WAY too much time reading you blog this morning. Might be my new fav. BRAVO!!!

Tom IS hot!!!

amelia said...

You have a bright future in the publishing world! And this is 10 times better than most of the children's book out there...horror! Suspense! Drama!

MarMar said...

I want to know what product JCPenney advertises using the ninja. ;-)

Brills.

Likes Chocolate said...

Can't wait for it to be published! All of our reading seems to revolve around Dragons, mythical creatures and lands, and fighting of course. Why didn't I get a girl so I could read about ponies, babysitting, or something at least not so violent. With 3 boys you have to look forward to reading How to train a Dragon, Fablehaven, and Farworld.

Rebecca said...

I'm going to read your book to my boys tonight.

Thanks so much for the laughs, I've needed them!

Makayla said...

I once had a professor who said that if you couldn't get your pre-teen boys to read, hand them a Louis L'Amour book. Perhaps we should also say that if people can't get their pre-schoolers to appreciate "See Spot Run" they should give them a Meanest Mom book. LOL.

Awesome.

Reb said...

Please publish! My boys love ninja gore via magazine cutouts.

Blythe said...

LOVE it. That's fantastic.

Pierson Family Twin Tales said...

This reminds me of one of my favorite "Friends" episodes where Phoebe sings her farm animal song to a class of unsuspecting children: "Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo; Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo; Then the farmer shoots him in the head and chops him up and that's how we get hamburgers!" Love reading your blog!

Jennifer said...

And I thought Hank the Cowdog was good for boys. What do I know? :) Nice book.

jennschmerer said...

I love the bad words part! Those are the bad words in my house too. he he he. Love your blog!

Nick and Tiffany said...

Wow, my son would love that book!

Taylor Clan said...

Oh, dear. It says bad words. Can we clean it up?

Pam said...

Oh, bless you! My boys would absolutely LOVE this book. I think you have a future in children's literature!

J. said...

What is it with boys and death and destruction!? So funny.

stephsterr said...

My 6 year old balked at the books I tried to get him to read me last night, but totally enjoyed reading yours out loud today! He laughed and laughed, and then called in his older brothers. I love your blog. Keep up the good work, Sister! ;)

Emily Heizer said...

"This is Tom. He is hot."

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Emily
www.eheizerphotography.blogspot.com

justlori2day said...

As a first time reading I have to give your book a review of:


BRAVO!!! Three thumbs up (I need to have a talk with your Ninja).

Loved your Cjane post. Poster even more.

Crystal said...

Very nice, love tom, he is so hot lol.

Anonymous said...

That is truely awesome! I'm glad I'm not the only mom around with a sick sense of humor.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

My kindergartener laughed and said, "read it again." You on your way to a bestseller.

On a serious note, your boys might like "Parts" and "I stink." My boys are fond of those two. :)

Chillygator said...

Tom is pretty hot. Too bad about the extra leg, though. Hot people get all the trials in life.

The cottage by the Cranelake said...

I would love to read those books :-) Think they would do great here in Sweden :-)
Christer.

Corey Ward said...

That is so cute! My son would be all over that book. Thanks for sharing. :)

Mach Momma said...

Love it! But please write a book about a t-rex on the rampage.

Nikki said...

love it, I am totally sold

Laura said...

My 2 boys would love t his book! I too am tired of the pig doing a jig. Early readers for boys sounds like a good business opportunity....

Laura said...

My 2 boys would love this book! We too are tired of the pig doing a jig. Early readers for boys sounds like a great business opportunity...

Rhiannon said...

YES! Can I print these off for my fist grader? Maybe he'd actually read one without crying!

mindij said...

That is pretty much the best children's book ever! Call the publishers and get that printed for all to enjoy! I cried at the end!

Our Crazy Life said...

Hillarious!!! You should have it published!!!!

girlnblack77 said...

"This leg bugs."
rotflmbo!!

Laura said...

hahahahahahaha!! i need your artistic ability & creativity for my darling son (who has three sisters, & an unknown-gender sibling on the way) who is learning to read in kindergarten, but i'm not sure his big sister's junie b. jones collection will be very satisfying.

thanks for the great laugh!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm going to read your book to my husband tonight. He's going to finally see why I'll often be sitting at the computer at night and burst into uncontrollable laughter. :-)Cannot wait for the second book to see what happens!! Karen in NC

Nicole said...

I must admit, I am a new reader to your blog. I went through all of the favorites yesterday, laughing hysterically!!! I too am the meanest mom. My husband wanted to know what I was laughing so hard at, the humor doesn't come across as funny when re reading to your already bored husband. But nonetheless thank you for an enjoyable sunday evening. You are now bookmarked!!!! You and I should have been friends.

Sticky (not too) said...

We give it 6 thumbs up!
(my two and 4 from AJ - Do toes count?)
I think we read the second book in the series "There's a Moo in my Kung Fu", just yesterday. The cow that caught that bad end of the kung fu fightin' may also end up in the "Cow that became Steak, Book 2". Favorite reads around here...

We also prefer to use the word crap "the one that means stuff and not the one that is a bad word" just so's you know! (I don't know what that has to do with anything, but he insisted I tell you, sorry)

Nina said...

This is EXACTLY what my son would have wanted when he was young (and mabey even now?!). He wore his Robin outfit and Ninja headband for years, and wielded the mighty sword at all invisible foe! Whewww, it was a dangerous time but we all made it out with life and limb. (Except for the "foe" who, thankfully, were all defeated).

SuperMegs said...

OMG, that is amazingly hilarious!!!

Rebecca said...

Oh my heavens, I almost spit my food out I was laughing so hard. I needed that! Thanks! When can I get a copy?

Vanessa said...

Hilarious! My kids would love to read your series. Keep up the blood and gore.

Melanie said...

Thanks for giving me that needed laugh in a crappy day!

Kristine said...

Completely off topic but, where did the "Box Tops" post go? I wrote down to send it to someone, and now I can't find it!

Loudest Mom said...

I saw the link from Courtney's blog, and just had to come visit. That candy poster (and description of the ever so nice office person) CRACKED ME UP. As a mom of 4, who are prone to not cooperating, I think you are a genius!

Amelia said...

Best thing I've seen all day!!!!

Rachel said...

I just wet my pants! So funny!

caryn said...

freaking awesome! my only question is.. do people really still receive jcp catalogs?! :)

Cami said...

Being a SINGLE mean mom, I kinda got stuck at the Hot Tom part. What happened after that? Lol! I'm glad you were thinking of ALL of us! :)

Angela said...

Wow. I am a little upset. I discovered your blog on Saturday night; it is Monday night and I've devoured all of the contents already. I have that sinking, "what now?" feeling when you've just finished the last page of a great book. But, I rejoice! My great book has regular updates!
I am only 21 years old and had absolutely no clue what to expect, realistically, as a mother- I just knew I wanted to be one. But you have truly opened my eyes! I have a new appreciation, awareness, just a generally *new* outlook. I feel enlightened and excited. Unfortunately, my boyfriend does not share in my excitement. I opted to stay glued to my monitor instead of cuddle in bed with a movie. I zoned out on him on the phone and hung up several times as he was very distracting. And, I'm sure he's been worried sick since I offered my thoughts on the best names for girls and boys and whether or not my child will wear a bikini or have overnight birthday parties. Anyway, *I* thank you very much for sharing your life. I know I am going to keep your tales with me until I have a litter of my own, and probably years past!
Sorry for a long, epic comment, but your blog as touched me quite deeply!

Maree said...

Wow, you did it again! I too am a big fan of "Tom is hot" and the bad words part. TOO funny!!!

Have your older kids discovered the GROSSOLOGY books? They tell all about boogers, barf, poop, farts, and other gross stuff. Even kids who DON'T like to read will like these books!

Seeker said...

need copy of book....RUSH IT. will pay postage and everything. do you need a secondary agent to sell from. very interested if you do...could make millions....

Geo said...

You have a gift.

CODY - KAMI - HAZEN said...

Oh my goodness Jana, you are so crazy fun, I laughed my head off! I had to have my husband come over and read that post too... and we loved it. Very clever!

Seth and Natalie said...

Instead of a pig that jigs you have a ninja that dismembers. Instant classic!

Emily said...

WHAT ARE YOU?!?
And...I love your book! It sounds a lot like the bedtime stories my husband and I tell our boys.
Oh, that Tom and his third leg, what a card! :)

Jennifer said...

LOL. If I read a book like that to my kids they'd instantly point out that it's not nice to hurt people. The story would be ruined and my kids would go off to hurt each other due to short term memories.

Deb said...

You are sooo my kind of sick!

I cant wait for the sequel!!! "The Leg Returns" LOL

Happy St Pattys Day

dmarie said...

jana,
i am new to your blog, and apparently came over on a good day. i am a teacher of the young, just-learning-to-read sorts (and also a mean mom), and i too am SICK to death of the pigs who jig and foxes named sam. thank you soooo much for the great new idea!! ;)

Stepper the Mighty said...

I. Love. This.

Elizabeth said...

Ah, I once made a "Memory" match game out of a JCPenney catalog when we were in the middle of nowhere (at Grandmas) with nothing to do.
This is a MUCH better use of those pics!

Mari-Beth said...

I'm new to your blog (courtesy of C. Jane) and I think you are one of my new faves! Your Boy Book had me laughing so much that my 6 year old came running in to see why! I read him the "book" and he enjoyed over and over and over and over...

Anonymous said...

Oh, but think about what one could do with three legs......

Kelly in NC

jennie w. said...

I let my sons read your story. They thought it was brilliant. They suggested a few possible titles for sequels:

The Man Who Was Killed by Lava

What happens when you suck up a cat with the vacuum

What Satan Does for Fun

They're actually normal kids, I swear.

Caden and Cooper said...

My 4 year old loved it. I let him read it and he wanted to read it again and again. He also wants to know when you'll be publishing The Poisonous Muffin. He'd like to take it to school for Mystery Reader.

Katie said...

I have two sons who would adore this book. All I hear all day long is Star Wars and Kung Fu Panda. The older of the two actually received a Biscuit book this week as a gift and put it directly on his shelf, where it has remained untouched. Woof Woof!

Candice said...

I love the book! I would definitely buy it. My kids would love it too!

victoria said...

Laughed until I cried! I needed that.

Alecia said...

I love it!! My son would too!

Rebecca said...

I showed this to my boys the day it was posted and today my 3 year old walked up to me and said, "Hey Mom. I want to read the Ninja Tom book!" Took me a few minutes to remember what he was talking about, lol. I have a feeling we'll be back reading your best seller many many times.

xoxo

another amy said...

Who says a PhD in Medieval Literature doesn't come in handy?

Mountain Birdie said...

That is the kind of stuff I read to my daugher most nights. They keep thinks real