March 28, 2009

Swimsuit Shopping

The window of time to purchase a swimsuit each year is very short. If you do not buy one by mid-March, there is a strong chance that you will be stuck with a crochet bikini with no padding or a one-piecer with built-in bra cups the size of your rear end.

It's a toss up which one is worse.

Like most women over the age of 30, I look really good in string bikinis. After I had children, however, I decided/was politely told to go with something a little more modest, so I traded in my collection of patriotic triangle tops for the mythical creature known as the tankini.
It's a total myth that tankinis are the mom jeans of the swimsuit kingdom. The ones in my closet are downright hot.


This year, I waited one week too long to get my newest treasure. All that was left on the racks at Target were XS bottoms and XL tops.

"Why don't you buy something that actually fits you for once?" asked my husband when I showed him my purchase.

"I would," I told him, "If I could find something that costs less than $15.00 per piece."

"I don't care how much it costs," sighed my husband. "Buy something that fits."

A very kind friend pointed me in the direction of Victoria's Secret online swimsuit collection. Before making my purchase, I took the catalog's suggestion and went to the VS store in the mall to have my cup size measured by one of their underwire experts.


While the saleswoman/college student measured me (in the middle of the store), my children marveled at the diversity of underpants available for purchase.

"Can I get one of those little dresses?" my daughter asked, pointing to a hot pink teddy.

"Negative," I replied.

"You are either an A, B, or C cup," the saleswoman told me. "Depending on how much padding is in the bra that you are currently wearing."

I thanked the woman for her precise measurement and ordered the C cup.

Yesterday, the package arrived in the mail.

One thing is certain.

I am not a C cup.

63 comments

Jennifer said...

Hee hee.... I got a good chuckle out of that. Thanks for making my morning. I also hate shopping for bathing suits. After kids it's complicated trying on suits. Can you return it to the store and try again?

Jen said...

I loathe swimsuit shopping. I'd much rather clean a bathroom or *gasp* read to my 7yo. *giggle*

WackyMummy said...

For some strange reason the bathing suit/bikini season in southern california is also short. Hmmmmm. Anyways, I've never met a bathing suit I liked. I'm terrified of the dentist, but I'd rather have a root canal (or anything involving elephant-size needles and diamond drills) than shop for a swimsuit. I hear ya, sista!

HW said...

That's funny, I'm also "either an A, B, or C cup." So are most of my friends.

I'm over forty so that gives me license to wear nothing but the cutest of swim DRESSES. It's very liberating.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

This post is HILARIOUS. I'm almost 40 and well the swimswuit pickins are slim. So are my boobs.

Judy said...

There are a few items I never purchase without trying on first: swimsuit, shoes, and slacks/pants are on that list. You never know what you're gonna get--and ALWAYS have to return(at your expense).

Karen said...

I cringed when I saw the title of your post. I'm pretty sure I'll be wearing the same worn-out old bathing suit from last year so I don't have to go shopping for a new one.

Gina said...

The good news is that you look like a C cup in your padded bra! I do the same thing. I own a whole zero non-padded bras. Try the Very Sexy bras/swimsuits. You'll be amazed.

jennie w. said...

Try Land's End or Modbe. They're not cheap, but they're very, very worth it.

Land's End swimsuits come in your regular clothing size, so hopefully you would be able to order the one that fits.

Julie said...

I have a huge problem this year. Need to teach my little ones to swim. Hard to do without getting into a bathing suit. Need to buy one that fits...hard to find a swim suit that still is a swim suit that covers 80% of your body. Geez.

Donna said...

I've chosen to stick with the "swim team" style one-piece. I find that even if my body isn't the way it used to be, I still don't look as terrible wearing a swim dress (which I have) or those one-pieces that cover everything but end up making you look like you are 60 years old. :(

Janae said...

Hey I actually sell modest swimsuits. Just go to modbeclothing.com/janaebang. We have way cute swimsuits. The swimsuits are made to hide all the lovely stuff we get from having kids. And just plain aging.

Jo said...

I love, love, love my Miraclesuit. They make all kinds of styles (mostly in black) and really DO take off 10 lbs. Well worth the $90 - $110 price tag, as they last multiple seasons (I've had mine for four years). Of course, you can find them cheaper on Ebay.

Whitney said...

Well, can't blame a girl for trying! That's too funny. ModBe makes the best swimsuits, in the mythcial tankini variety!

Anonymous said...

Ugh....swimsuit time already?! Bring out the tissues...lol. I ordered a swimsuit from VS once many years ago and the top I ordered in B cup would have fit a DD cup instead. :-P Grrr. Way to make a girl feel good VS. NOT!
k

MegRuth said...

Oh heavens, never go to Victoria's Secret to get measured. They have no idea what they're doing.

You can go here

http://www.braboutique.com/pages/measuring.htm

and just measure yourself.

Melinda said...

I LOVE Victoria's Secret swimsuits, they are amazing! And seriously, if they don't even take you into the dressing room to measure, they're not doing it right. (That totally sounds wrong, sort of reminds me of Joey get his inseam measured on Friends...)

Tracy said...

I am new to your blog. I love reading your posts. I am sorry about the neighborhood girls. I don't want to think about swimsuits yet. We have a neighborhood pool and there are all kinds!!!!:)My blog is pattersonfamily-patterson

The Patterswon Press

Thanks, Tracy

Just Another Hofeling said...

I got a good laugh out of this story, been needing one of those for awhile.

Renny said...

I worked at Victoria's Secret. That girl sucks at measuring. Plus she is supposed to offer for you to get measured back in the fitting room if you like. Bah, that was the worst job of my life (I had to sell a bra to a man once, I mean, for himself, he wanted me to fit him. I wanted to die.) You should check out diviinemodestee.com Cute, kind of expensive... but cute.

Nicole Benitez, Quantico, VA said...

Swimsuit shopping is dreaded by all.. unless you are one of the gems that work at VS. I loved the tankini = mom jeans! Hilarious!

MommyAmy said...

lol, I guess I was old before my time. Bought my first tankini when I was 23. But I've always been a modest mouse.

I'm thinkin' about getting one of those bathing suit skirt dealies this time around post-twins.

Blythe said...

I am ALL ABOUT shopping for swimsuits online. I tried it for the first time last year, and was delighted. I went to Jcrew.com, and bought a pretty swimsuit that I sized according to my measurements. I bought two bottoms, and just mailed back the ones that didn't fit.

Poof! Done.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

You may not be a C cup, but you are hilarious. And also very brave to be bathing suit shopping already. I tend to wait until I have a tan, and this year, as I have grown a size, I may just be avoiding the whole swimsuit thing altogether. Even though, in San Diego, its pretty hard to avoid.

K2cole said...

BOARD SHORTS BABY!! I know I look a little dumb but my rear is covered, no waxing, and my 40 yr old body deserves a break.

Maya said...

Ugh, don't remind me! I just had a baby 8 weeks ago but because of my disability, swimming is one of the only ways I can exercise. So, I've got to venture out and buy one b/c no way is my suit from last year fitting. Our apartment complex's pool is already open so I guess I should start looking now... :-(

The Mother said...

There is nothing worse than packing a four kid body into a no kid swimsuit.

Regardless of the cup size.

SandyNextDoor said...

The same 10-year-old measured me! I was in the dressing room trying to find a bra that fit, so she measured without the mystery of bra padding. The size proclamation was: 36C or 36D or 38B or 38C or 38D or perhaps a 40B.
I have no idea how she even got a measurement since she always held the tape measure at least an inch away from my body at the point where it crossed.

SandyNextDoor said...

I know which girl you're talking about. She measured me too. It seems I fall somewhere between 36C and 40B! It's amazing she got any measurement at all since she held the tape at least an inch away from my body at all times. The last two years I've just been grabbing a sport model suit at Costco and pretending I'm a serious swimmer. You already know my favorite suit for the hot tub. :)

Shawna said...

I used to like Old Navy swimsuits. I haven't bought a new suit for years. I always wear a T-shirt and shorts over it anyway. :)

Kris said...

The same thing happened to me at VS. Measured me in the middle of the store. Hello, I thought, do you know how much padding I have on?????

Anonymous said...

I finally found a tankini at Lands End that fits everywhere but the bust. I got one that has a shelf bra and then cut off the straps and back of a padded bra and sewed it in myself.

The Dolezal Family said...

Last time I was in VS dressing room, I took my 2 year old and 1 year old sons with me. In the dressing room trying on bras with my boys when they decide to hang from the bar and of course it RIPS out of the wall and they fall to the ground along with half the sheetrock. Needless to say, I have never shopped in VS again...my boys are now 7 & 6.
The bras didnt even fit!

I hate that store and pretty sure they hate me!

Heidi said...

I am an avid reader of your blog. I absolutely love how your stories are so similar to many moms'. Thanks for producing daily laughs for all of us!

Yvette said...

I love your blog! Absolutely hilarious! I wanted to comment on the mean girls thing. I have 4 kids also. I have one kid a son that at a younger age would have been considered a bully (no it wasnt my intention to make him mean he just has an extremely strong personality and picks on kids that are quiet I know not cool) and a daughter I feel like for the most part is nice. I have had parents mad at me for my son and I've been mad when other kids have been mean to my kids. But since my first son was the mean one I learned that kids are just kids and I have to be careful because sometimes it comes back to bite you in the bum. I also try to remind my kids that they should include everyone the way they would want to be included and to be kind. I think its great you called those girls on their meaness though. I've had to do that with my own daughter when she seems to be angry with a friend or being sassy.

Yvette said...

I wanted to tell you that I also love the title of your blog. My husbands mother used to make her five kids quote, "I'm the meanest mother in town and dont you forget it" They still joke about it. Of course she was no where near mean. It just came out when her kids would say something like "Why cant I stay out all night and of course she came back with No and her lovely quote

Jenny said...

LOL, I hate swimsuit shopping!

I had good luck last year through Lands End outlet site.

Jessica B said...

Just consider it an early Father's Day gift to spend enough on your bathing suit to make you feel good and not embarass your husband.

Sinclair said...

I will be sticking with my tried and true Target tankinni (the top is actually cut in the front and has tie strings, so cute!) for the THIRD season.

It was so hard to find that one, I am not ready to let go yet. On my last trip to a Dr. in which I had to remove clothes, I was told "wow, those kids really DID do a number on you, didn't they?"

How's that for rampin' up the swimsuit wearing anticipation?

Brenda said...

This totally made me laugh! There's nothing worse than swimsuit shopping...And there's nothing worse than a VS swimsuit catalogue to make a woman's self-esteem feel like crap. Those women are created in a lab. Seriously, who looks like that? I've fallen the way of tankini's. What's worse is I now sport a pair of board shorts with the tankini top. Serious coverage! Pretty soon I'll be wearing a wet suit when I swim to cover up all the flawed areas!

Emily's Bloggin' Out!!!! said...

Sing it sistah!!! Your so on the mark it is hillarious!!!! Check out hapari.com they have great suits that fit awesome. It's a company based out of Utah and thier trendy and cute. 80) I to lothe suit shopping.

Kriste said...

I loathe swimsuit shopping too. It never fails that I find a cute top in my size and then can't find the bottoms. Or vice versa.
love your blog by the way.

Anonymous said...

Oooh, if I could switch my bust measurement with my hip/butt measurements, I'd be HOT! Try Eddie Bauer, they sell the type of swimsuit that has a built in girdle. Doesn't cover the cellulite, but you can't have it all. (Although the wetsuit idea sounds promising)

The Eadle Family said...

haha, I was rather shocked to go in and get measured, and told I was an E cup, and had to special order my bras. I fit into a DD just fine.

Anonymous said...

I always buy my suits (tankinis!) at target.com. They have more to choose from and more sizes available. I usually order 2 or 3 and then when they come I pick one and return the others. You can return them to a Target store so you don't have to pay shipping back! Good luck finding a suit, I also hate shopping for suits!! Amy

Pam said...

UGH! I hadn't even thought about shopping for a new bathing suit. I love your blog and am following. Stop by and visit me, I'm having a great giveaway, a Ladybug Literacy Bag and there's still time to enter.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Tankini's are like mom-jeans. Ah, man! The only thing left for me is a wet suit.

Liz said...

Who needs to swim anyways?? Bathing suits suck!

Karen said...

Ohhh. Sorry about the swimsuit nightmare! I am a huge Lands End fan myself. If you haven't found something, check them out on line. You may actually have a store near you. I have taken my kids bra shopping before, which was almost as much fun as your trip. My young son kept running his hands over the molded cups with a stupid grin on his face, murmuring, "Oh wow." Ya, I go by myself now.

Momatron5000 said...

Sadly, I once owned that exact American Flag bikini. I was 16, and no one could convince me that it wasn't "like, the hottest swimsuit ever".

john said...

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Amy said...

I linked to this giveaway on my blog!!!

Terri said...

I need to do something about that muffin top!

Mrs.D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr.zim said...

Bikinis worn by Hollywood stars are really eye-catching. I am an avid fan of Halle Berry and have liked the sexy bikini flaunted by the dare-bare girl on “Die Another Day”.

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