May 22, 2009

Fertile Stares

Last Saturday, my husband and I took the kids to a local park. While Tim and my older three attempted to make themselves puke on the merry-go-round, I took Cameron for a walk on a paved trail that winded through the woods and several people's backyards.

I had been walking for about two minutes when exhaustion and the fumes from the nearby freeway overcame me. I stopped with the intent of asking the person who was walking several feet behind me if he/she happened to know how long exactly the walking loop was. To my great delight, the person in question happened to be a man in his mid-sixties who was lacking a shirt and most of his teeth.

Instead of answering my questions, the man told me that he had stopped smoking cigars eleven days and 5 hours earlier. Before I could congratulate the man on his impressive achievement, he asked if he could walk in front of me from that point on. "It's hard to walk with my eyes closed," he said.

I fell right into this one.

"Why are you walking with your eyes shut?" I asked.

"I'm a father of seven," the man explained with a straight face. "I can impregnate a woman just by looking at her!"

At that, I abruptly turned the stroller around and began jogging briskly in the opposite direction.

By the time I reached the playground, I had thought of two good reasons why I should be immune from this man's fertile stare:

1. The Pill
2. A person wearing knee-length shorts and a sun visor bearing the name of an over-the-counter heartburn medication can hardly be called a woman.


P.S. My daughter gave me the visor for Mother's Day. They were handing them out at the grocery store a few weeks back.

49 comments

The Cranes said...

I think you just live in a way more interesting part of the country... I'm not sure anything like that would happen in small town central Ohio.

By your title I thought you were going to comment about how someone commented on you having too many children. I'm sick of people thinking I had too many. Now I'm toting around my infant niece every day, too. I'm sure I'll get the looks while out and about this summer considering 5 girls ages 11 and under is a sight no one has ever seen before...

The Roberts' Report said...

Oh no he didn't!!

Lisa said...

That's one I've never heard before...

mamagale said...

That's pretty scary! Do you carry mace? Just a thought.

Jill said...

That's hilarious! And a little creepy, I might add. Thanks for sharing though. I got a really good laugh.

Ritz Family said...

Hilarious!!

Foursons said...

I love how you said, "To my great delight..." ha ha ha Definetly a looker whom you could only assume has fathered 7 children. ha ha ha ha

Meagan and John said...

Wow, if he is that good did you by chance get his name and number--I have been trying ot get pregnant for almost yrs now, and my husband and me have been working hard at it, so if all he has to do is look at me to make me pregnant it might be worth meeting him, even if he is missing his shirt and most his teeth--heaven knows that describes most of my husband's family so atleast the kid won't stand out too much at the few family get-togethers we may actually attend.

thanks for the laugh
www.lewis4higher.blogspot.com

burkfamily1 said...

That is so disturbing!

Linda said...

eeeeeeewwwwwwww!

JoJo said...

Okay, who doesn't love a little flattery (and I'm not referring to the toothless man): It's official, your blog is my favorite. Thanks for another good laugh.

Stephanie said...

Ack! What is it with creepy sixty-ish men and their icky comments? I run into them ALL THE TIME...on the train, in the park, at Wal-mart (which is one of the reasons I don't shop there anymore). And can't a girl catch a break? If someone's gonna hit on us moms, why can't it be a NORMAL man in his twenties or thirties?? Seriously, where's the love?

And--seriously--love your blog.

Anita said...

You do encounter the most interesting people. The just seem drawn to you...LOL!

Dancing Hula in the Sunset said...

wow, someone slept with that guy at least 7 times?

snickie said...

That's funny, in a weird, creepy kind of way.

Stephanie said...

Oh my.. that is hilariously creepy and adding the visor to that a tad bit dumbfounding. But really, what a grand story it makes!

Christine said...

Ha ha!

I had my own encouter with a nice toothless gentlemen that followed me and my children all the way to my car commenting on their height the whole way.

Two of my children are dwarfs and he felt the need to point that out to me repeadedly and then decided to explain to all of us in great detail how my children's stature would affect them through their life. His pointing, fascinated stares and multiple out loud observations of my children were very enlightening.

I am sure that he would have appreciated the fact that all the way home my children had just as much to say about his lack of teeth.

togetherforgood said...

seriously? who says that? bahahaha.

mamacoreenie said...

Laughing out loud! Thanks for the giggle on this Friday before the long weekend! Have a good one!

QT Pie Bowtique said...

OMG! LMAO!

Oh Boy...Oh Boy...Oh Boy said...

OMG, I'm not even sure which part is funnier, the old man or your hat!!!!!!
THANKS for the chuckle.

Makayla said...

SICK.

Patrice said...

Very creepy, but ever so funny!!!!

Golden Girl said...

thanks for making me laugh, even though it is not a funny situation. will you be returning to that park? maybe next time you are there you should have something to help defend yourself with. i keep my car key between my index and middle finger ready to stab someone in the eye or neck. have a wonderful holiday weekend and take care.
-Kiki

Jaded Jennifer said...

I'm a mother of 6. I can get impregnated just by being looked at. I guess I better stay away from that guy. lol

mindij said...

I don't know...that visor is pretty sexy!

Sarah's blog... and I guess our newlywed blog that I update like twice a year. said...

you're really having a tough time with parks lately, huh?

The Mother said...

The scary thing is, he probably actually believes that.

pan x 8 said...

You can always find a good story in your every day happenings... I hate walking into those but I do it all the time!!! ;p

The Burgess family said...

Do you make this stuff up? you have the funniest stories!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

LOL - that is too funny. Reminds me of DH's step-father. The man thought he was God's gift to women and had been married six times before he met my MIL. I can't imagine anyone being interested in him, but to each their own. He used to say we shouldn't be alone together because his wife would think he's flirting with me. Ewww! Then, he told my SIL that once her mother passed away, he'd come live with her. The man was gross. Bad teeth, double amputee, lost most of his fingers on his left hand to an accident and he thumb on his right hand to something else.

Never did figure out what my MIL saw in him, either. She was nearly 20 years older than him but she outlived him by three years.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

You mean, you didn't get that lovely visor at Nordstom? weird.

hansenfive said...

I need to get out more...or maybe I just need to be more aware of the things that happen around me. That is FUNNY.

Sarah said...

Ew!!!!

Gina said...

You should do a giveaway with that visor. Well, not that one, because it was a gift, and all, but maybe you could find another one like it.

oberlingirl69 said...

I don't know what it is with these old men. On St. Patrick's day, I wore a shirt with a shamrock on it to the library I work at. An old guy asked me if I was real Irish or Irish by injection! I couldn't believe it! Oh, and I live in a little town in Ohio. No where's safe. lol

Jenny said...

LMAO!

Foursons said...

I've bestowed an award upon your blog. Why? Because *ahem* I think I love you! You know, not in that gay, I'm stalking you, really weird kind of love. But, the I can't stop reading your blog kind.

Audra said...

What a great gift! A store freebie! What a psycho man!

WhisperingWriter said...

Okay, that guy is totally creepy. Yikes. For some reason when I read this I thought of the show Cops. I could totally see that guy on an episode of Cops.

Feely Photography said...

Hey Thanks for visiting my blog! :) I know you were looking for Rachelle but its always fun to see who stops by :)

Amy E said...

Have you ever seen Turtle Man on youtube? Your story made me think of it...if I were you, I'd definitely check it out. Make sure it's Turtle man (he catches snapping turtles...if you find that one, it's the correct one). I highly recommend staying away from turtle boy, though. That's a whole other post....thanks for sharing!

Jan Russell said...

No spot for him on the boyfriend list - ICK! And hey! I have a bunch of pens that match your hat -gotta love those sales rep relatives!

The Carpenters said...

You crack me up! :)

Dianna said...

must be my odd sense of humor, but I laughed hysterically at this! What did your husband have to say??

Cookie Brochette said...

Hahaha! Funny. I can't imagine why you didn't want to stay and chat. ~brrrrr~ LOL

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brossettelewis said...

I'm confused. I hid my head in shame when you called my swimsuit something akin to momjeans, wore rocking hott pink shoes, but you wear a red hearburn visor? :)

JJthe1st said...

Hahahahahaha!

Hillori said...

Ha-Ha!! We live in the most sterile enviroment in the U.S.-by Provo, Utah. I was driving my kids home from school one day, and along busy state street was a jogger...wearing only running shoes, an army beret cap, and underwear. And they were NOT boxers. My kids mouths dropped open far enough to hit the floor of the car. At least we were in the car and not walking alone with this man like you!