June 3, 2009

My Daughters Would NEVER Do That!

Last week, I ran into one of my daughter's classmates and her mother at a local park. Ignoring the fact that I was deeply engrossed in the most recent issue of Us Weekly, the mom plopped down beside me and proceeded to catalog the atrocities associated with her most recent trip to the mall. The day before she had taken her three young daughters shopping at the local knick knack store for teacher gifts only to be met with opposition in the form of a pack of elderly women on a field trip from a nearby assisted living facility.

"The old ladies bought up all the dollar candles!" she complained. "And the discontinued hand lotions. One woman had ten in her cart! I was so mad that I almost said something."

The woman's riveting tale of clearance bins and close calls with senior citizen bargain shoppers was interrupted by one of my five-year-old sons, who poked my arm with his forefinger until I acknowledged his presence.

"Watch this!" he said once I made eye contact. Tilting his head slightly forward, my son opened his mouth and, with painstaking precision, released a thin string of saliva from his rolled tongue. He let the spit trickle downward in a continuous stream until it was level with his knee caps, at which point he sucked it back up into his mouth with a violent inhale.

That's fabulous," I said, congratulating my son on his impressive achievement. "Now go do your trick over there." I pointed him in the direction of the sand pit, where a legion of potentially eager pupils were playing.

After my son was out of earshot, I turned back to the mom, anxious to hear how her near death experience at mall ended. "I'm sorry," I said. "You were saying?"

To my surprise, the mom's face was twisted into a scowl. "I don't know what to say," she said finally.

"Huh?"I asked, genuinely confused. The woman pointed to the place where my son had been standing. The spot was marked with a puddle of mucous the size of a quarter.

"My daughters would never do that," she snorted.

I didn't doubt her.

A few days later, the woman brought her six-year-old daughter over to my house for a play date, chaperoned by herself of course. In honor of the special occasion, I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I smiled as I watched my daughter's friend consume her treat. I stopped smiling when, without warning, a partially chewed cookie spilled out of the girl's mouth, down her chin, down her shirt, and onto my kitchen rug.

"Eeew!" girl screeched, clawing at her tongue.

I handed the girl a cup of water, which the girl's mother used to wet a handful of paper towels. As the mom frantically scrubbed her daughter's shirt in a vain attempt to remove the chocolate skid marks before the stain set in, I sat on my hands and stared longingly at my camera, which was sitting on the kitchen counter.

After cleaning up the cookie vomit and drenching her daughter's clothes with Spray & Wash, the mom informed me that her daughter didn't like cookies with nuts.

At that exact moment, my five-year-old twin boys were each eating their fifth cookie. A row of walnut pieces circled the perimeter of their paper plates.

56 comments

Deanna said...

I would have to say the the drool/spit trick is much more talented than spitting out a delicious cookie!!! I wish you would have gone against your better judgement and snapped a photo! :) Actually, I can picture it...I bet you wanted to laugh out loud, too, because of her comment the previous day!

P.S. - Love your blog! Thanks for letting all of us 'surfers' read on!

mamagale said...

My many years of Mom Experience have taught me "what goes around comes around". I just smile serenly when my kids are acting like kids and know in my heart the "shocked and appalled" will soon be calling me begging for advice.

Renny said...

hahahahahaha. You didn't say "my children would NEVER do that!?!" So good of you. You are a better person than I am.

kimberly-327 said...

having a child has humbled me. and I NEVER utter the words, "my son would never..." because karma is a real hag.

Christine said...

Once becoming a mom I learned never to judge other mom's or their kids behavior. (almost all of the time:)

stewbert said...

*snicker* priceless.

Young Mom/Wife said...

haha, I love her reaction to your sons saliva trick. And what a bratty child to act that way about a cookie.

Sara said...

Apparently this woman puts all of her efforts into her riveting story telling and therefore has no more energy to tell her daughter not to spit food out on to her clothing.

CountessLaurie said...

I just love when snotty parents of perfect children are knocked down a peg.

I am suprised you actually had the woman to a play date.

Janae said...

I have just loved seeing all my siblings and especially my husbands siblings have kids. All the "my kids will never do that" or "my house will never get like this" have all gone away.I have learned to just come home and laugh at what there kids do. I now look like the best Mom in the world.

Amanda Panda said...

Usually anytime I have had the thought that my child would never do something, it is less than a week later that they are doing it too. When it comes to kids, you can never say never. lol

The Cranes said...

Oh I just LOVE that word "NEVER"! I wish I had a quarter every time my sis in law said it! I think though now with 2 kids and #3 on the way that she's learning to "never say never". She would never have an unplanned pregnancy (#2 was unplanned), never have a kid over 3 yrs not potty trained (my 3 year old nephew just recently potty trained), she would never have kids as quickly as we did (we had our 4 in 6 1/2 years and she will have 3 in 3 1/2 years), she would never have plastic surgery to repair childbearing damage (we'll see about that one),and she would never have 4 kids (I'm waiting for her to fulfill that on my "never" checklist).

I just laugh when I hear someone with less "mom" experience say "never" because I just smile inside and say to myself "oh just wait, honey..."

Crista said...

Stewbert said it best: Priceless.

Mollie (aka Mimi) said...

Kids are always full of surprises and give us something to laugh at after the embarrassment wears off. My daughter would always wipe the pizza sauce around the perimeter of her plate and blot the grease on a mound of napkins. She is now a successful adult at 22, and she still wipes the pizza sauce on her plate and blots the grease.

Rebecca said...

I have 2 little boys and just love they way they play and the gross things they do!! I can't believe you didn't say, "my boys would NEVER do that" as soon as your daughter's friend spit out her cookie! lol

Momma-of-5 said...

That's great. I'm not sure I would've had the self control to leave the camera on the counter. How loud would the shutter have been? Could you have pulled off just leaving it on the counter and snapping? ;)

Ashley B. said...

How rude. Did she pay any attention at all to the cookie bits in your carpet? or was that just your problem and not as important has her disgusting child's precious shirt.

Jana said...

I'm so with all of you! Never say never!

Ann said...

That is the absolute best freaking story-EVER!

Reb said...

Your descriptive writing is priceless. I kindof want to smack the self-righteous mom for staining your carpet.

Catherine said...

I am laughing my head off right now. Thank you for that moment. I can only wish said mother is reading your blog and knows exactly who she is!

Gina said...

That's awesome. Gotta love karma. And you can send those unwanted cookies my way any day! :)

Cosette said...

Oh man! Great story, great writing. You ought to submit it to a magazine or a short-short story contest.

http://damselindisdress.wordpress.com

Carol said...

Touche' - it's poetic justice! Funny...

Foursons said...

I'm a little surprised this mom was even over at your house the next day! I love how you get to judge and make rude comments but don't bat an eyelash about a playdate at the person's house you just insulted.

The Mother said...

Yeah, MY kids would never do that.

I always take those comments with a forklift full of salt.

Especially from moms who begrudge little old ladies their sample bottles of lotions. Makes you wonder what kind of altruistic behavior their little darlings are learning.

feefifoto said...

I guess I missed the part where you told about how the mother apologized for her daughter's scene. Can you direct me to that section?

tulipdjc said...

LOL!!! There's really nothing more I can say!!!!

Emily Heizer said...

So LAME! This girl needs to learn to be resourceful! What is more important? Getting your way, or getting to eat as many cookies as you possibly can?!

Clearly, the cookie is the winner! Pick out the nuts and stuff 'em in!!!

Emily Heizer said...

You shoulda said "My sons would NEVER do that..."

sarahandmatt said...

I have a sister-in-law like that woman. I was lucky enough to be present on the day when her son drew all over the front of the microwave with permanent marker just before her baby scooped out ten handsful of dirt from the potted plant in the living room onto the white carpet and then another son urinated off the trampoline. When I brought those things to her attention, she acted like they were nothing compared to the kind of trouble my kids get in. All I can say is you're playing with fate when you criticize the behavior of other peoples' children.

Molly said...

That is hilarious! I'll never forget the time I had a friend over when I was about 10 and her mother had to literally carry her away from the table in a fetal position because "she just can't stand the smell of tuna". I remember being totally bewildered as to how a smell could cause that violent of a reaction. LOL

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I have come to see every new and horrendous little nugget of behavior that I witness in other children as a preview of what my tiny darling has coming up for me next.
He has yet to disappoint.

Amy said...

Oh, haven't moms in the world learned yet to never say what their kid would never do???
And if their are any more of those icky, horrible, very bad chocolate chip cookies, you may ship them to my house, and I will promptly see that they are disposed of.

Mindy said...

You are a much better person than I.

My mouth would have been open and saying "My kids would NEVER do that" in an instant!

Of course, she probably wouldn't have been invited over with her daughter for a play-date either. ;-)

Tracy said...

Wow, I totally love you! I found you b/c of the blogger award in the magazine. The first day I checked out your blog, I became addicted and spent my son's entire 2 hour nap reading your archives. Hysterical! It put me in such a good mood that I only felt a *little* guilty for getting nothing done that day! Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

Too bad the other mom probably thinks her daughter is so perfect that she probably was not able to connect the two events.

Kiki (G.G.) said...

you are very nice for not commenting on her daughter's actions. i on the other hand would have reminded her of her comment from the previous day and said "those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones", or a version of that saying. i am sure she will check out your blog anyway and be mortified. thanks for the laughs and take care.
-Kiki

Anonymous said...

Love it! My mom told me that when I was a baby her sister would always say "My child will NEVER use a pacifier." Of course her when her daughter was born she used one until she was almost 5.
-Karah

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

LOL! Loved it. I remember when Amy was a baby my husband's uncle (who was near his age) was married to a very young girl (I was 25 and she was probably not even 20). We both had baby girls and once when we were in my MIL's kitchen she said, "I really think my daughter is the prettiest baby here." That's ok - you're entitled to your opinion - just keep it to yourself when it's rude. Not knowing what to say, I said nothing.

A bit later I was holding her daughter and sat her down on the floor to tend to Amy and she fell over. The mom ran over and said "she's only five months old; she can't sit up on her own." As nonchalantly as I could I said, "oh, I forget not all babies are as advanced as Amy was at that age." Score!!! We were even - actually, I think I was ahead.

(Amy crawled out of a playpen at five months and was walking at six months.)

Charlotte said...

Obviously you misread the mother's first statement. She was meaning to say her daughter never lets spit out of her mouth unless there is food in there also. Or maybe that her spit never comes out without making a huge mess. The statement must have been one of wonder instead of disgust. Right?

Amy said...

And so, the lesson learned should be, that when you have children, "Never say never."

Heh.

I think saliva tricks are pretty cool. I wish my daughters did cool stuff like that.

Viv said...

Oh, how the mighty do fall...

Lori said...

Isn't it funny how we want to take pictures of everything that happens? I find myself wanting to record my husband's conversations with me to have blog justice when he's a jerk or wrong, or wrong about being a jerk.

Oh, and I think that we might live in the same hood. You just described pretty much everyone in my town...

Kat said...

Oh man. This story absolutely made my day. You're a brilliant story-teller!

mykideatsdirt said...

I've been wondering....do you have other moms/friends/family ask you not to blog about them or their kids? Do you have any personal rules about who and what you blog about?

As weird as this may sound coming from a complete stranger to you, I'm concerned that that particular mom may not see the humour in this situation and be completely offended by your post. I personally, really enjoy your sense of humour, but it might be a little different for this mom or for someone who may not share in your particular brand of humour.

*getting off my soapbox now...* Sorry.

I too, have learned to "never say never" and to be less judgemental of other parents now that I have three daughters of my own.

Lori- I feel the exact same way about my husband too...I wish I could record him sometimes, especially when he says "You never told me that!" "yeah, I did honey, last week, three days ago, yesterday and then again this morning...." Sheesh!!!!

Lindy said...

Really? If the spit "suck in" is the worst that I get - I'm okay with that!

Ritz Family said...

Cracked me up!!

The Miedema-Familia said...

My kids have mastered the art of the armpit-fart and are at a loss when random moms in the park/store/waiting room react the same exact way as this mom.

And please don't tell me she pulled the Spray n Wash out of her purse?!

Proud Momma said...

those words will never leave my mouth...I've learned that my kids are pretty much capable of anything! Don't you wish your eyes had a hidden camera in them for moments like that? It kills me when I don't have my camera. My kids arms could be hanging from their socket after a fall and I tell them to hold still so I can grab my camera...what about my blog??

Mollie (aka Mimi) said...

The spit suck-in trick is pretty cool! The next one he can master is the blowing bubbles with spit trick. My kids were pretty good at it when they were little.

I think my most embarrassing moment was when my baby girl (who is 22 now) was only 9 months old. We were in the middle of church (Catholic), and right when it got completely silent she revealed a new word she had learned. She said with complete clarity... "bullsh**t". We had little old ladies glaring at us in disgust, and the others were laughing their butts off.

I most certainly did not use such language, it had to be the teenage baysitter. I immediately fired her and found a new one.

Jenglamgirl said...

YOU GO GIRL, pay backs a ... well you know! wink!!!

Mollie (aka Mimi) said...

You should get this mom to watch this little video...

http://molliehubenak.blogspot.com/2009/06/culture-unplugged-video.html

then maybe she would discourage her "perfect" child from wasting perfectly good food. There are hungry kids out there!

Mother in the Hood said...

When I was a child, I was better at the saliva trick than my brother. The key was drinking orange juice, it somehow made the saliva thicker and more resilient.
I am almost 30 and I sill do the trick. I can't wait for the day when my kids start to do it and I can bust out my expertise and put them all to shame!

Sheryl said...

Jana, keep writing, you crack me up. I don't laugh out loud easily but you get me to do it frequently. After having raised 8 children, I really enjoy mom stories. Children make life interesting.

Anonymous said...

Im just wondering, but does that woman read your blog??? very funny story though :) Haha with all that self control, you really are a true Mormon!! CTR!