So lately I've been getting quite a few emails from ladies who question/debate my claim that Crohn's Disease is the sexiest autoimmune disease on the planet. I don't know how the status of a disease that gives you such delights as the stoma (I miss mine soooo much) and the fistula can be questioned, but evidently there are some people who think that putting Crohn's Disease on such a high pedestal is just plain crap. Pun intended.
The way I see it, the only way to settle this dispute once and for all is to put our collective ailments up against each other, American style. I am speaking, of course, about a beauty pageant!!!!!!!
This post serves as the OFFICIAL (and everything we do around here is super official) call for contestants for the first annual
MS. CHRONIC DISEASE OF AMERICA E-PAGEANT !!!
(insert toe touches and wild cheers of jubilation)
Contestants will be judged on their poise, grace, debilitating disfigurements, and thickness of their medical charts in inches. The ability to laugh at oneself and find humor in the unfortunate is a must.
Want to know if you're eligible? Click HERE or HERE to find out!
If you have Lupus, MS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Diabetes or something rare and hard to pronounce (Dermatomyocitis anyone?), step forward and let your diseased self shine! This pageant is for you girl!!!
Leprosy? Hypochondria? Prone to adult acne or irrational temper tantrums? We're non-discriminatory when it comes to the afflicted. We'll take you too!
If you want to be a contestant in this pageant, e-mail me at themeanestmom at gmail dot com, subject line "pageant." I'll be taking submissions through the end of the week, at which point, a committee comprised of chronically ill women in various stages of physical and emotional decay will select the finalists. Then there will be voting, tears of joy, a plastic crown, and bragging rights FOREVER.
Just think: this could be YOU, only with chubby Prednisone cheeks, a spare tire, and a weird rash on your rump. Can it get any better?*******
For those of you who think this pageant is in bad taste, I totally agree. There is nothing more tacky than talking openly about Irritable Bowel Sydrome and its friends.
I stand corrected.
Posts
68 comments
Lol, do you take teenagers for your pageant? I have exercise-induced asthma, but a) I don't live in the US, b) I'm not "of age". Love your blog!
my mom has interstitial cystitis along with diabetes and fibromyalgia...I can't even say the first thing right without a few false starts. :)
I *just* have chronic neck pain resulting in frequent (daily) headaches...all resulting from getting hit by a car on my 8th birthday. Not a disease, but the origination of the problem should earn me a sympathy point or 2, right?
I don't know much about Crohns, but i haven't heard anything good about it...hope it isn't giving you trouble!
I have a slight cough and I'm a little OCD....oh, and I'm a Mom - that's a disease, right?
I would love to be a judge. I am not chronically ill, but I am extremely judgemental. Take care.
-Kiki
I have a husband with Crohn's, which I totally think should qualify me because as we all know, having an ill husband is far worse than having an illness yourself. We're fresh off a 4 day hospitalization for a small bowel obstruction, which interefered with our scheduled family vacation plans :(
Also, I have an unbelievably interfering Mother in Law, which may qualify me on my own accord.
omg jana. i love you so much. this seriously made my day, possibly my life. i just emailed you my submission. i also put like TWO links to your blog in one post on my blog. so maybe when yall are tallying up the scores you can take that into consideration, right???
you have no idea how badly i want to win!!
Man, the only problem I really have is migraines, and that's not even close to being as sexy as IBS, Crohn's or even a really good parasite.
You're awesome, by the way.
I would have to say I fail again. I do not have any kind of disease, unless you count the Pregnancy one that comes every few years.My husband has a doosy of one though. Maybe you should do a Mr. chronic pageant too.
I have a 21 pound red-headed tumor with attitude. The tumor is attached to my right leg, but at random points during the day, it decides to detach itself and then proceeds to destroy things and then reattaches later. It talks too... for some reason it keeps calling me "mommy".
If i could vote, I would vote for Kathy. I think she topped everything any women could throw in the ring.
I have a "disease"!!! I have giant babies! :) My first was a 10 lbs 12 oz boy and my second was a 12 lbs 3 oz boy. I am terrified to have a third because you always here that they get bigger with every pregnancy. My pregnancies are miserable!! But my biggest fear is that my third will be a 14 lb baby GIRL!!!! That would just be awful for her!!!
you need a pageant for men lol. my husband has schizophrenia/ bipolar, anxiety, diabetes, atrial fibrillation and we are currently trying to figure out whats wrong with his knee. one doctor says gout another says some kind of arthritis but definatly not gout. anyway it swells up to the point he needs crutches to walk. when you see all his medication it looks like a supply from a nursing home lol. i tease him all the time about him being an old man and falling apart. he's only 30 lol.
tara
the.lilangel@yahoo.com
Does PMS count? Please?
So....how many emails have you gotten so far?! And what gave you this brilliant idea?! Mentioning in public that you have health problems and the ensuing competition maybe. ;o)
HAHAHAHAHAHA... this is awesome. I had cancer (ports and neupogen are SO hot), but I am eagerly awaiting the results. :-)
I love that you're doing this!
Support and humor all in one.
What if you're just plain fat? Does that count? LOL. You are sooooo AWESOME!!! Love you!
Aw man, I always complain I can't win any pageant because I have no talent and my looks are nondescript, and now I'm eliminated from another dang one because I'm too darn healthy. I can't win! Can you have a Ms. Boring USA pageant next, please?
Wow I did not know there where so many autoimmune disease. I am lucky enough to have psoriasis. Which I have had since I was 7. I will be 30 very soon. Last October I got strep and had a out break of psoriasis. It was all over my face. I also recently had my 3rd miscarriage not in a row though. I was also just put on zoloft for depression.
You are the wind beneath my wings! How many times have I made that comment?
I to suffer from Chrons...Somedays I want to scream at the idot women in a line who loudly ask me "how are you that skinny after 3 kids"..Chrons you idot nothing like running to the bathroom with three kids in tow praying you make it!
lol. I am loving the comments almost as much as I will following the contest! My chronic condition won't make me a winner, but it keeps me busy: I am chronically overworked, consistently underpaid, and, when it comes to my tweenager, undervalued! :)
I have chronic skin cancer, keeps popping up every few years and having another surgery on the 18th...do I qualify? =)
What a GREAT idea for a contest! I, at 22 years old, have had Crohn's disease for over a year now...I was married just over a year ago as well. (My good husband should win this contest for all he's been through.) Still on the medicinal route to finding freedom in the world of remission. Consider me a contestant! (I sent you an email.)
I'm busting a gut at how eager we all are to just lay it all out there in honor of this contest, hilarious!
If you decide that vericose veins and front butt would qualify someone, I have this friend...yeah, that's it, my friend...who would be interested.
Finally I have found my people! I would love to be your queen.
I have Scleroderma. What's that you say?? Well it is an auto-immune disease. It makes my skin so tight that it thins and rips open. I currently have no skin on my big toe. Yeah, it is as painful as it sounds. It also causes lung scarring. Forget doing aerobics, I need an electric scooter. Add in some debilitating rheumatoid arthritis just for fun. The arthritis is of course treated by prednisone causing a 60 pound weight gain. Yes I said 60! So I'm fat, can't breath, stiff and missing skin on my foot. Did I mention the reflux and subsequent depression. Oh and I am currently doped up on Oxycontin simply to make it through the day. Now you try having all that and being the PTO president.
Will you ship my crown via Fed Ex or regular snail mail?
No, ma'am, that last outfit on the model at the end of the post is WAYYY tackier than even the most graphic discussion I've ever had about IBS...
Thank you, thank you, thank you for hosting this pagent! LOL I can only imagine what else might make one feel sexier than Crohn's. Nothing beats having your exam in a "teaching" clinic when the Dr. asks if he can bring in a bunch of students to watch your procedure. Good times! Hope THAT doesn't end up on YouTube!!! I also think I may be one of the only people to ever GAIN weight during a flare. Of course, let's throw in the asthma, eczema, staph (thank you Eczema!), depression, reflux, high cholesterol, mom-nesia and top it off with a migraine or sinus headache and I'm just a barrel of fun some days. Bring on the crown...I'll fight you for it. Just let me get my inhaler first....
This is awesome.
I believe I qualify on a few counts (none of which are auto-immune diseases, but I think this is the only pageant I will ever enter over 30):
1) I have a ganglion cyst on my left foot. It flares up when I stand on it- which I try to avoid, but walking and such make that impossible.
2) I have a lovely scar from 2 C-sections and the stretch marks, random stomach fat and other gems from pregnancy that won't go away (like the children)
3) I have asthma and a 1/3 of a normal person's lung capacity.
I'm throwing in that last one as a sympathy getter- it's really not that big of a deal. The stretch marks bother me more.
I hope I make the cut!
I love it! I have Crohn's as well and it is refreshing to see someone that can laugh about it.
Does laziness count as a disease? Because I've got that one really bad.
OO! I have Alice in Wonderland Syndrome! And no, I'm not kidding, it's real! You can look in up on wikipedia! Isn't that awesome?
CROHNS right here!!! Im 28 and colonless!!! I wear seton tubes that help my fistulas drain when ever they need!!! woot woot! I get infused with remicade every 8 weeks with other autoimmune friends. DO I QUALIFY?? send me crown! send me the crown!
funny you posted this cuz i just posted my story a couple of days ago. So heres to butts!
I'm disappointed by the lack of a talent competition in this pageant. Surely "high tolerance to medication" and "not strangling annoying strangers who ask inappropriate questions" should count as talents.
Sadly, I am unable to enter at present, as my diabetes, heart disease, and cancer aren't scheduled to appear for at least another 10 years, judging by how every single other member of my family has/had them and the doctors are thinking two of the three may be genetic and no amount of clean living will help. But if you're still running this pageant at the time, can I preregister for Ms. Chronic Disease of America 2019? I'll have ailments by then! I promise! I'll even give them cutesy nicknames and engage in public TMI just to qualify!
Writing my entry was a good time. Thanks for doing this!
I'm going to have to get my sister to send in her nomination - she has Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Varicose Veins and just had her fourth baby. Since her kids start talking well before they are 1 and are back-talking by the time they are 18 months, she'd inevitably be a front-runner. At least she gets a handicapped parking sticker, which comes in handy after her 7-year-old who is nicknamed "King Freak Out" throws a majestic fit in the checkout line at Target because he doesn't pick his candy in time and has to be dragged out of the store to the car.
My Brother in law might win for sure! He has a disorder that is called 'Conversion Syndrom' whenever he comes to a "stressor" in life, his whole body becomes paralyzed. Literally... CAN NOT even wiggle a pinkie. This is an extremely rare medical condition.. there are only 8 cases known of in the United States, and he's got the worst case of it ever seen. He also was blessed with an extra foot of intestine which is all dead nerve cells, Which means that his intestine cannot pass the food through it. His colon is the size of a soft ball and the nerves in it are also dead. Basically.. he can NEVER tell if he has to poo... it just comes out whenever.... fun huh? He got a 'button' installed a few years ago to flush him out... but it doesn't work that well...
He also has Asperger's, Anxiety disorders and ADHD.
Yeah.. He's got it all baby... :)
Good thing he's good natured about it!
Oooh, now THIS is the pageant for me! I had my large intestine removed back in 2000 due to colitis. Another surgery seven months after that to form the j-pouch that would serve as my new holding tank and then a third surgery four months after that to have an ileostomy take down. So my stomach is quite the sight to see! Now I have diabetes and am also battling infertility (probably due to abdominal adhesions from all surgeries). Oh, and I also have allergies to cats, dust and dust mites and asthma! I really hope I have the right qualifications! I promise not to disgrace the organization by making a drunken scene in public or criticizing any group of people based on their beliefs or lifestyle. Thank you!
I don't have the major diseases that have been described above but will you consider cold sores and warts that pop up at the most inconvenient times and places making for memorable times like in 10th grade photo op, I had 7 cold sores on my lips at once.... true story and have picture to prove it! On my wedding day, I never let my feet be shown in public due to the many plantar warts all over my tootsies even when it was really hot and sandals were required.
Maybe for the talent show I could point out having hemerroids and my lovely vericoise veins with one exceptionally large one dubbed the caterpillar due to being pregnant with #4.
Would love to win, but I would settle for runner up
I'm with Annie Valentine! Does PMS count!?
Love this post. Thanks for the good laugh.
Bummer. My disease isn't listed.....
LOVE IT. Sign me up.
http://motherlawyercrazywoman.blogspot.com/
I wish my disease had a label like those. My doc can't figure out what's wrong with me. Almost every night I get an urge to get sick. It totally comes in waves. I'm even afraid to go out with friends at the risk if getting sick. It doesn't happen during the day, only night. Can I join with a lack of label?
I have chronic constipation and feel bloated all the time...does that count? My Drs just think I'm crazy and need to eat more fiber and drink more water. You would think 30g of fiber and a gallon of water a day would be enough to get the intestine moving but nope...no poopies for me!
God bless my "witch" dr who believes everyone should have a good poop.
Well, I feel left out. My chronic disease is nowhere near as sexy as everyone else's. I have Von Willebrand's disease, which is kind of a wimpy hemophilia (at least in my case.) It takes my blood about 3 times as long to clot as a boring normal person's.
The best part of this disease is having your period! Oh, the joy! I like it so much that I now have my period every 2 weeks instead of once a month. Not knowing when it is coming adds to the danger, and therefore the sexiness, but I still can't compete with poop. Sigh. :(
Does being an extremely tall female count? It's awkward, humiliating at times, and generally repulsive to the male species. To add to it, I don't even get the perk of being one of those super skinny tall girls that look like they've been stretched like the kid on Willy Wonka. Nope, I'm chubby. The downfall of being a giant is that it's always visible, people invariably have a comment about it, and it affects my ability to use ANY product known to man. Although, besides my genetic propensity for extra long clothing, I guess I got it pretty good actually.
Heavens to Betsy- excercise induced asthma - it's a very good thing I don't excercise - I could get that.
Deb from MA
Thank you for exposing me to several disorders I didn't know about - it will elevate my hypohcondria to a new level.
I laughed so hard during the whole post as well as the comments that I ALMOST wish I had something to submit. ALMOST :)
I was a mom of a 1yr old anfd 16wks preg with our 2nd child when I starting experiencing symptoms of Crohns. I was hospitalized and given every medication possible and nothing would control it I was shipped off to another hosp where they tried their medications which also failed. At 17wks pregnant I was operated on and thery removed my entire colon. 3 days later I developed an infection and they had to go back in. All this resulted in a permanent ileostomy. I then developed rhuematoid arthritis. My som was born 2 month premature. My water broke Dec 20th and they let me leak until Dec all the while getting my labor to stop they then sent me home Christmas eve said my water could leak just as easily there. Christmas morn my placenta tore and I had to be rushred to hosp for emergency C-section. My son was 2 month early and 4 lbs he came home 2mo later. I thenfound out I had developed Avascular Necrosis (lack of blood supply to bone so the bone dies and collapses) in both of me shoulderds and both knees. I am currently in the hosp with my 2nd shoulder replacement and am on chronic pain management meds for the daily pain radiating through my body. I am looking at two knee replacements in the near future. Did I mention I was 25 when this all started. I am now
27.
I have a whole shopping cart full of ailments...
1. Diabetic - medication controlled and I'm good about taking it
2. Fibromyalgia - I have all of the pressure points that cause pain. Lovely little vice...
3. Deaf in right ear - woke up one morning and just couldn't hear. After several bouts of vertigo, this was my little gift.
4. Only one balance nerve that works - the left one - and sometimes that one forgets what it's primary responsibility is and that's to keep me upright on my feet. Weebles wobble and sometimes we DO (unfortunately) fall down. I swear I'm not drunk - just short-wired.
5. Meniere's Disease - hence, the vertigo, deafness, and one balance nerve. The doctor decided that it would be in my best interest to kill the remaining function in my right balance nerve. The balance nerve didn't like the options - die or be killed.
6. Hysterectomy - they couldn't just do this in one fell swoop - noooo, they had to put me through the total abdominal surgery twice in 13 months.
7. Degenerative Disk Disease - those little cushions between your vertebrae are supposed to help keep your back from hurting. Notice I said "supposed" but mine have forgotten that part of their role.
8. Scoliosis - I have one main curve and one compensatory curve so I have a perfect S-shaped spine. Unfortunately, it's not supposed to be an S-shaped. oops...
9. I fall. I walk into things. I look like I'm a bit off my rocker. Oh wait - I am a bit off my rocker.
10. I have a heart murmur and mitral valve prolapse. I get out of breath sometimes very easily. I just never know when.
11. I hiccup. Just once, but about every 30 minutes. All day. I don't know when it's going to come and I can't stop it. So - SURPRISE! Here's a hiccup.
LOL - and then there's my husband. Does he count? I'm married to a big disability. We can laugh about it. We're both walking encyclopedias of pathology.
I have to say that having Crohn's makes me feel like the sexiest Pageant contestant ever. All I am missing is the crown and sash. Unless you count the pain that could have come from sitting upon said missing crown, and a pink two ply sash.
Nothing says royal like having control of the only throne in the house. Nothing says Sexy like resection scars and having a second butt in the front. I love the swimsuit comp. so much I decided to be the exception to the weight loss symptom, and be the fattest person with Crohn's I am sure on record.
Nothing says sexy like discussing BM's with the hubby at least 3 times a day, and having him witness you tear your way through everything in your fridge when the Pred. kicks in.
The Prenisone is my secret weapon for the pagent. Some pageant contestants use spray glue and duct tape. All I need is my 80mg doses to put me in the top of the finalist lists - or else my head spins and I have a bit of an emotional outburst. The only thing that might top it is the sexiness you feel while being romantic and hoping for no surprises. Oh the life of a Crohnie Queen!
The most wonderful moments of all were the flare after my son was born. Nothing says Pageant winner like anal fissures that make it too painful to sit, so you must regally crouch on the floor like a frog to feed your newborn prince for weeks. The absolute most regal moment was when I went into super flare and all I could do was cry and scream in the ER about how much my royal hiney hurt. They recognized me as the royalty I aspire to be, and gave me privacy at the end of the hall with a closed door. Life is just a royal ball here everyday.
I do believe that a certain Royal snobbery has come upon me recently because I find it difficult to sympathize with the "regular folks". When such ailments as 24 hour bugs, gas bouts, and pretty much any other stomach ailment befalls them, I don't think they feel my forced sincerity and concern when I blink at them blankly, then inform them how bad I feel for them that they had tummy problems for a day or two through either gritted teeth or a smirk.
For my talent I will demonstrate how I can not only go through a 3 day fast and cleanse and still gain weight, but how I can expel more than I take in daily and do the same. Go me!
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty"
How about erythropoetic protoporphyria (EPP)? Say that 10 times fast...it comes along with exructating sunburn pain that is only alleviated by sleep, Zyrtec, Benadry, and the occasional dose of Dilaudid. As a bonus, one's hands, face, and feet swell and develop a gorgeous scab-like appearance. My favorite part is I can no longer drink alcohol...the toxins produced are knocking out my liver. It's a fun thing to have passed on to my daughter...my only consolation is I will have awesome skin when I'm 80!
Well, I was gonna go on and on about my rheumatoid arthritis, but frankly my fingers hurt too much to type anymore. Besides, I've got NOTHIN' on Issuegirl. God bless you, honey.
I can't stand the suspense! Who won?
How about a Mr. CD of AP?
I've got Adult Urticaria Pigmentosa, Chronic Daily Headaches w/ recurring Migraines, Bi-lateral Tibial Overuse Syndrome w/ Medial Meniscus Tears and signs of Plica Syndrome! And to top that off I'm deployed to Iraq and just notice the onset of Tinea Pedis (Athletes Foot) thanks to the lovely and "well maintained" showers. :p
Anyhow, I do want to point out that right now I am waiting to see my 3rd neurologist, yes, the first 2 I saw repeatedly and they couldn't figure out what exactly was wrong so the 2nd is sending me to a 3rd in hopes that he can diagnose me. I actually was on my blog ( www.diagnosisunavailable.blogspot.com ) today and took a moment to count the diagnosis that I have received in the last year and was very shocked to find that I wasn't exagerating when I told someone the other day I had 10 diagnosis already and they still don't know what is causing my muscle spasms/convulsions. Granted I only listed 9 diagnosis on my website because I can't remember the 10th, it has something to do with grinding my teeth.
anyhow, I wrote a big old thing so ya'll wouldn't have to check out my blog, but unfortunately there is a 4.096 character limit to this comment section so ya'll will just have to visit the blog to find out the rest of my diagnosises
I worry that my entry is coming just after the deadline, but I will submit anyway.
I have Sjogren's Syndrome. It is a usually post-menopausal autoimmune disorder that hit me pre-menopause (age 14). I went through the prednosone and other (luckily) temporary medications, and have found one that works, but taking it makes my pregnancies high risk.
My talents are (1) NOT smelling things--like dirty laundry, stale urine, spoiled food--(2) supporting my dentist in very good fashion (I'm currently waiting for one implant, seven crowns, three root canals, and uncounted cavities) and (3) spelling Sjogren's to health professionals around the world.
I think all your pagent is missing is some fancy pagent walking. Does the winner get a lifetime supply of meds?
Man, I'm so sorry I missed out on this. I have TEH LUPUS and it makes my hair fall out in clumps faster than...well...my husband's, who has male pattern baldness. I always joke with him that soon the day will come for us to get matching toupees, AND IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
I'm loving your blog - I just found it today! I wish I had known about this - LOL!! I have Myasthenia Gravis, Fibromyalgia, PCOS, and migraines! ;) LOL - Quite the beauty, eh? ;)
So sad I didn't see this earlier, my lovely 23 year old daughter would be a great candidate, she has had type 1 Diabetes and Crohn's disease since she was 9 talk about "sexy". Lucky she has a loving and supportive husband and recently got an insulin pump, out of her three main doctors one says pregnancy will be tough, one says just get pregnant don't worry about your health and the other said she should never get pregnant! Hard to know what to believe.
Wow, I feel like I've found a second home here reading these posts. I'm only sorry I'm too late for the pageant. So far, I've been diagnosed with discoid lupus, ulcerative colitis, vaginismus, pulmonic stenosis, ADD, and cyclical depression. Wonder where that last one came from.
very nice and informative blog here is a blog about women health pregnancy and tubal reversal
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/
tubal reversal
Well hello there...this is the best blog ever. I'm sorry to say it's the first time I have ever seen it. I just happened to be trying to put all my puzzle pieces together and still coming up with squat. Even though I may be perhaps several months later, I guess I better nominate myself for this award. Every day it gets better. Still no answers.
Here goes: I am 35years young and within the last few years I've discovered things that have been plaguing me for a decade now have names and are worse than they have been. I have been diagnosed with Fibromylagia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Sjogren's, Von Willebrands Disease, severe allergies, Severe Chronic Sinus problems, severe continual Migraines, headaches of ever type, chronic sinus and respiratory infections, severe dysmennorhea(sure I'm spelling this one wrong), ovarian cyst ruptures, ovarian fibroid tumors causing surgery to cut me open, multiple cases of mono, multiple cases of pleurisy, severe adult cystic acne(never had a problem). I also get severe gynecological pain that makes me ill and diapheretic and like I'm going to pass out but they are unsure and would like to blame it on gastrointestinal, but i had a colonoscopy and i can tell you it is not gastrointestinal.
....
Those are the note worthy things. I feel like an utter piece of shit. Sleeping more does not help at all. I have trouble waking up as is due to my severe allergies, I'm normally in a stupor. But now that I can hardly move in the morning, things seem to be worse. ATtempting to run,scream, or cry would only make things worse. Of course, I also try to pretend I don't have those problems. I spend my days working my ass off at work for next to nothing pay just to cover meds, and then I come home and crash because I'm done. my body can't seem to handle it. I wish someone could help me. I still want the life i dreamed about. I need help getting there. I still wait to have kids too.
I can't help but think every one is missing the big picture and that it all links together somehow, and if someone would just recognize that then things would get better. I forgot to mention I must go monthly to a hemotologist for iron iv as well due to Anemia.
Sheryl
sassyblonde1@hotmail.com
Post a Comment