October 19, 2009

Knitting Porn

My next door neighbor Sandy has severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, which she exacerbates by gardening and knitting. This time last year, she knit Cameron a white blessing (Christening) blanket and three NICU hats. On Saturday, I returned from the grocery store to find an urgent voice mail message from her.

"I need your body," she said simply.

I was a little confused and frankly weirded out until Sandy clarified that she was knitting a sweater for her youngest daughter Mackenzie and intended to use me as a mannequin. I was, of course, happy to oblige since Mackenzie and I have identical body types, except for a two inch and twenty pound height and weight difference.

When I pointed this out to Sandy, she was understandably sympathetic. "Just suck in your stomach and wear a padded bra," she told me.

I brought my most compassionate child--Kellen--with me for moral support.

As I tried on the half-finished sweater, Kellen busied himself flipping through Sandy's knitting design books.

All of a sudden, he stopped in his tracks.

"Why is this girl?...." he asked, stopping mid-sentence. He pointed at a picture in the middle of one of the books.

I turned to find myself staring a photograph of a woman in a handmade sweater and underpants.


Sandy, who matured to adulthood in the sixties, smiled knowingly.

I was less than amused.

"What kind of hobby is this?" I asked pointing to her knitting paraphernalia. The basket of yarn looked innocent enough. Little did I know that it was part of Satan's slippery slide.

Sandy didn't defend her possession of knitting porn. Instead she asked me if I would be willing to try on the sweater again after she finished it.

I thought for a minute before I agreed. I told Sandy that I would model the sweater but not the underpants.

I prefer paper.

28 comments

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy Woman said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning!! As usual, you crack me up. PS I hear Victoria's Secret is coming out with a line of paper underpants for this holiday season. Maybe in your stocking? One can hope.

Amy said...

That was very funny, especially because I was reading the part about your son finding the knitting porn when MY son came up and asked why that lady was naked. LOL!

Cookie said...

Is it wrong that my first thought was that those underpants are really cute? Probably. Too funny. Knitting porn. Gosh, I hope my MIL doesn't have any of this lying around. Wouldn't want my boys seeing something like this.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

The idea of scratchy wool panties doesnt give me pictures of sexy time.....more like itchy time.

Too Many Hats said...

I think if there was more knitting porn we would see knitting become the national pasttime for all men age 12-112. I would be okay with that because that would mean no more football on TV.

Brandon and Sarah said...

I was in Borders one time and found a whole book on "How to Knit Lingerie". One, I don't knit--I was looking for another craft book (however, I couldn't resist a peep). Two--my ultra conservative mother was next to me and basically condemned me to Hell for even flipping through it. At least I got a good laugh...wouldn't knitted lingerie be itchy? I guess it's one way to save money in today's economy though!

Sarah said...

hahaha

MamaOtwins+1 said...

I now itch at the thought of wearing knitted undies!

Tasha said...

I heart your blog! It makes my day to hear another mom that's as 'normal' as I am! Thanks for giving me the lift I need everyday!

Scrapingirl said...

I hate to admit, but, I was super intrigued by the title of this post. HAHA!!! Who knew knitting was so intimate.

Christa said...

I knew the minute I saw that picture in the preview that you were going to say something about your paper panties. lol

Karen said...

You sure know how to pick a title for your post that forces me to read it.

Ann said...

LOL! Am I the only person who thinks the REALLY weird part of this picture is that she is taking a picture of herself??

Deila said...

who would have guessed you can find sexy girls in their underwear in a knitting mag--surfing magazines,yea, but knitting?

Michelle said...

Too funny! My three kids have their physicals at the doctor today. They were weirded out that they had to change into paper gowns and let the doctor see them mostly naked. I guess I have raised modest children. Sounds like you too!

I take my kids into Victoria Secret with me though so I try to too be too weirded out by underwear. It is just underwear though.

Anonymous said...

At least he didn't find a pattern for certain intimate male articles of "clothing" that are far far far more revealing than this. Yes, they exist. You can find patterns over on Knitting Pattern Central. Rather frightening, they are.

Bridget said...

Funny.

FYI: your Duplo blocks ad was REALLY annoying. It kept blocking your post by popping out at inconvenient moments.

Maya said...

Cookie, that was my first thought, too! lol

justbeingamum said...

That is too funny. I agree with Ann, why is she taking a picture of herself. Very Strange.
I love knitting, so look at many knitting books, and this is nothing on some of the ones that I have seen. Especially the patterns of the crochet bikinis. :)

Jennifer said...

This is actually a fabulous book from a great designer, but I have to admit that when I first flipped through my own copy, I wondered if the girl realized that a wool sweater/underpants combo wasn't the most effective way of cutting the chill. I mean, if she had had some legwarmers on at least....

Twinlinebackers said...

Oh yeah. We're supposed to believe that YOU were appalled???? =>

Jen Harms Wilson said...

Most underwear is made from a machine-knit material; you could probably make hand-knit lingerie that wasn't too uncomfortable.

Or you could just have fun with the fuzzy, furry, sparkly, specialty yarns. Hmmmmm. . .

The Mother said...

When your kids are a little bit older, those Victoria's Secret catalogs are going to disappear the moment they make it in from the mailbox.

And when one of them is a teenager, he's going to want to BUY stuff from them. Sigh.

Amy said...

At least you have standards...way to stick to them!

Southern Kiwi said...

Oh gosh. So that's why previous generations used to knit so much. Thanks for the laugh!

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