October 28, 2009

Mall-O-Ween


If you haven't taken your kids trick-or-treating at the mall, I highly recommend.

The annual Mall-O-Ween in Philadelphia serves two mutually beneficially purposes: it enables mall stores to fulfill the community service requirement in their leasing contracts, and it provides the opportunity for shoppers who haven't been to the mall since half of its stores went bankrupt to "fall in love all over again with style and fashion." At least that is what the banner above the elevator says.

Of course, my offspring needed no assistance in the fashion and design department. My trio paraded through the mall in their Halloween finest. Cortlen flat out refused to wear the costume that he had picked out three days earlier, declaring it repulsive and ugly. Kellen lasted a whopping five minute in his costume before stripping down to his street clothes. The reason: he saw a girl from school wearing the same outfit.

"You made me dress like a girl!" he screamed before stuffing the cheetah costume in the back of the stroller.

Seeing her brothers relieved of their costumes gave Camber all the encouragement she needed to disrobe in public as well.

"I don't want to be Cleopatra anymore!" she said, ripping off her fabric headpiece. When I made the unforgivable error of reaching for the object, she dangled it over the ledge of the second floor railing.

"All right, we're outta here," I said, herding three bad attitudes toward the door. I also mumbled something about ingrates and never doing this again but my thoughts were largely lost on my children, who at that point were engrossed in the task of separating the wheat from the chaff in their trick-or-treat buckets.

We were almost to the exit when we were stopped by a man-child in his early twenties. He was holding a bowl of candy and was standing next to a store that sells New Moon action figures and nose rings.

"What are you guys supposed to be?" the man asked my children sneeringly.

I didn't say anything, but I could have asked the same of him. The man was wearing a Speedo and roller skates.

And nothing else.

****
Have you had better luck with your kids' costumes? I hope so!

28 comments

Michelle said...

Speedo and roller skates? That is too much. I hate when my children behave this way. When you go out of your way to do something fun for them and they refuse. How annoying! This year I think we are simply going to walk the neighborhood since my youngest is almost 7 years old. We have done the mall thing many times.

Anonymous said...

we have taken our kids trick-or-treating in the neighborhood since the oldest was 6 months old. (my husband and i split the candy) only one year did we have to cancel for bad attitudes. the older kids have to help make/put together their own costume, so they have a invested interest in liking it and wearing it. the best year--we made jedi costumes from scratch with tunics, tabards and everything. my husband was the master, the boys were padoans and i was leia. (the battle style, not the metal bikini one)

Scrapingirl said...

I hate it when my kids act like ungreatful pains in the butt. :) It makes me so embarrased to claim them as my own offspring.

Speedo and roller skates, huh. Sass would've told him that he wasn't modest. Then that REALLY would've made me embarrassed.

vanilla said...

A speedo and roller skates? and you didn't call the cops?

(Oh, dang. Just saw Michelle's comment. Really, not trying to steal her lines.)

Hillori said...

If I would have been witty (which I only am after the fact, and never during the moment), I might have told him he could have had all the kids candy if he would have slid down the escalator railing. Perhaps he would have gotten some well deserved road rash. And arrested. What did your kids say upon seeing him?

Sarah said...

When I visited yesterday, it had been awhile and I thought, OH PLEASE...she couldn't have just STOPPED could she have?" So glad to hear it's just technical. (Yuck!) You are so funny...and I think you should have asked Mr. Speedo-Rollerskate...I would have loved to hear his answer.

Malea said...

"man-child" really tickled my funny bone today:)

AlsoMean said...

Eeeewwwww on the weird guy.

My son has worn his costume multiple days now, so it's already dirty. Told him that Spiderman is not a famous book character, he cannot wear it to the school library to get a treat bag. He chose to go to the school library last night for bedtime stories, cookies and milk - in his pajamas. On Friday, we will gel up his faux hawk for "wacky hair day".

My daughter wanted to be a robot. Box picked out, ready to paint. Then she found a Snow White costume - gotta be a princess!
Yesterday she found a skeleton costume, ate dinner wearing it. I guess she will be a skeleton.

PLEASE no rain on Saturday PLEASE

Dips said...

My two year old girl copies my 6yr old son so much that she does everything he do.She saw him wearing spiderman costume every now n then in the past year so now she wants to wear spider-"man" costume and nothing else !! :)

Parenting Ink said...

My kids are going as Clifford and Emily Elizabeth. Last year, my daughter was Dorothy. So, my sis sent me "Sexy Dorothy" to wear, too. My daughter now thinks we should both dress alike for Halloween.
However, if she ever chooses that Speedo costume, she's on her own!

Megan said...

Jana--I've been reading your blog for a while now and LOVE your sense of humor. It's also fun to hear about your adventures in Philly, because that's where I grew up, and when I was a kid my parents used to take my sisters and me to go trick-or-treating at the mall, too! (I never took my clothes off, but I'm sure I threw my mom plenty of fits. . . . ) I hope your blog gets fixed soon.

The Bus Driver said...

Down here, they have "trunk or treating" at local churches. You can hit several churches in one night and every member who participates basically fills the trunk of their car with candy for kids. I've heard its fun, i may go check out a couple of local trunk or treaters this year

Karen said...

I'm glad we don't have trick or treating at our mall. I love the old-fashioned feel of being outside in the autumn weather. I just hope it doesn't rain this year.

Anonymous said...

Okay, listen, my 10 year old son wants to be a boot. After buying fabric, stich withcery, twine, grommets and wire - I have to make this thing and it's going to cost more than a storebought costume AND is going to look like he's a potato before we're out the driveway. Honestly. I'd put him in a speedo any day to avoid the making of this thing.
Deb

Mindi D said...

Sick on the speedo! You know something under there was pierced if he works at 'that' store! For my 6 year old, we have been a BYU football player, a Bronco player, wrapped up as a mummy, a Jazz player and today we are being a black bat. Wearing all black sweats(which we own) and painting his face black. Hmmm wish he would've thought of that earlier and saved mom some cash! O well Halloween is my fav so i don't mind! My 4 year old has actually had Ariel since August and is still planning on that! We'll have to try the Mall-O-Ween, we've never done that!

Emily Heizer said...

Aw, the glitch made my link button go away! :(

Ok, the speedo thing is just gross. Ick.

Anonymous said...

ROTFL!!!!!! Oh man... I love your blogs!!!

spielbee said...

that post was pure heaven. keep it up. so glad to have found ya.

Madeline said...

OMG - this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. "You made me dress like a girl". Classic stuff.

Vicky said...

Yeah, the speedo thing is getting to me! YIKES! My cowboy, nah, I'm not so worried about him but this mermaid costume that I've spend endless hours on...well, I can see my usually naked child disrobing in the first 5 minutes...easily!!

Jessica said...

Glad to see you up again.
One year when my 2 oldest kids were 2 and 3 I got all Martha Stewart on them and made chicken costumes. They were so cute! And for the 10 minutes I got them to wear them before giving into the very loud screaming, I was really proud of myself. But alas, they went out as a black cat and Superman. An now 8 years later I am still pulling them out of the box and admirering my Martha Stewartness.

Tiffany-Joy Mo said...

We bought our 2 year old a little doggie pullover costume, it was adorable...to us, he wanted NOTHING to do with it. We had to literally tackle him to get it on him for our church halloween party...and I will be doing the same thing this year for our second son.

Anonymous said...

Yay!! So glad you are back! I was having withdrawl symptoms from your blog. lol! Karen in NC

Musings of a Housewife said...

A speedo? Seriously? Glad I missed it!

Hey I found your blog from the Around Mainline article. I'm local too!

GypsyNurse said...

First off.. only in Philly can this REALLY happen... I lived there for 13 years... now right over the Ben... I always pop on your blog.. you are a fab read,,, but tonight I finally read your about me.... now come on.. I thought me having SLE (lupus) was one of the sexist!!!

Girl...I am so on your page with life.. it must be the Philly water..ps.. I developed Scarlett Fever 7th month, baby 2....then became an L/d Nurse at Pennsey... after being in the OR for years...now all my drama.... I do Psych and Mental Health.. go figure!!
xoxo

Cat

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Speedo and rollerskates huh? Thanks for the laugh ... and for inspiring my costume this year ...

Deann said...

I'm probably out of your target demographic, but I think your blog is hilarious. Anyway, the guy on the roller skates was probably dressed as Terry from Reno 911! (a show on Comedy Central). While it is completely inappropriate to wear in a mall, at least he was dressed as a character!

NovaParenting said...

My son went as Fievel from The American Tale. Both my Mom and I worked REALLY hard on his hat that had the cutest mouse ears ever. Did he want to wear it? NO. Instead he looked like a decked out Russian with whiskers. ..sigh

Speedo man...interesting. I am hoping he wasn't working at the mall b/c I would of called to either complain about his dress or told mall security they should escort him out of there. There is costumes and then there is just weirdness.