Mall-O-Ween

If you haven't taken your kids trick-or-treating at the mall, I highly recommend.

The annual Mall-O-Ween in Philadelphia serves two mutually beneficially purposes: it enables mall stores to fulfill the community service requirement in their leasing contracts, and it provides the opportunity for shoppers who haven't been to the mall since half of its stores went bankrupt to "fall in love all over again with style and fashion." At least that is what the banner above the elevator says.

Of course, my offspring needed no assistance in the fashion and design department. My trio paraded through the mall in their Halloween finest. Cortlen flat out refused to wear the costume that he had picked out three days earlier, declaring it repulsive and ugly. Kellen lasted a whopping five minute in his costume before stripping down to his street clothes. The reason: he saw a girl from school wearing the same outfit.

"You made me dress like a girl!" he screamed before stuffing the cheetah costume in the back of the stroller.

Seeing her brothers relieved of their costumes gave Camber all the encouragement she needed to disrobe in public as well.

"I don't want to be Cleopatra anymore!" she said, ripping off her fabric headpiece. When I made the unforgivable error of reaching for the object, she dangled it over the ledge of the second floor railing.

"All right, we're outta here," I said, herding three bad attitudes toward the door. I also mumbled something about ingrates and never doing this again but my thoughts were largely lost on my children, who at that point were engrossed in the task of separating the wheat from the chaff in their trick-or-treat buckets.

We were almost to the exit when we were stopped by a man-child in his early twenties. He was holding a bowl of candy and was standing next to a store that sells New Moon action figures and nose rings.

"What are you guys supposed to be?" the man asked my children sneeringly.

I didn't say anything, but I could have asked the same of him. The man was wearing a Speedo and roller skates.

And nothing else.

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Have you had better luck with your kids' costumes? I hope so!