November 5, 2009

The Thief in the Night

Late at night, after everyone goes to bed, I hide my kids' homework folders in strange places: underneath the seat cushions of the sofa, behind the video game console in the basement, on a pantry shelf next to the fruit snacks.

I do this because I want to ruin their lives and make them miss recess.

While I'm at it, I usually rummage through their dresser drawers and remove all of their college logo t-shirts and pants with elastic waistbands. I also leave one of their sneakers in the garage where it belongs and throw the other one into the back seat of the car.

When I have time, I scatter all of the parental permission slips that I just filled out two hours earlier onto the kitchen floor and walk over them once or twice for no apparent reason. After haplessly kicking them around for a few minutes, I crumple them into tight balls and throw them at people, or threaten to throw them at people. When I'm super bored, I leave the permission slips on the counter and bribe the cat to gnaw on their corners. If the family pet doesn't make a complete meal out of the addition and subtraction worksheets, I finish the papers off by shoving them in the shredder or burying them alive in the recycling bin.

I am a thief and a homework murderer.

Or so my kids believe.

*******
Anyone else accused of the same crimes?

69 comments

Anonymous said...

Now that all of my children are in school, after the morning drop offs, I go home and play their video games all day.

Jennifer said...

Sure. My kids are 13 and 7; everything's my fault.

And I sit around and eat bonbons all day while they are working hard at school- cuz the laundry fairy hauled all the wash up and down 2 flights of stairs, you know.

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

Oh, yes, all that. I also hide the hairbrush, earrings, jackets and library books. I'm really good at it.

Kirsty said...

Hey! I thought I was the only one! No fair, you have stolen my thunder. I also hide a single shoe from the pair. It's my calling card.

Scrapingirl said...

That is one thing I haven't been accused of. Being homeschoolers, they have no homework. :) But they, I mean I, have "misplaced" their readers on occasion. :)

vanilla said...

As a classroom teacher, I can testify that I have had dozens of abused children over the years whose parents treated them in just such a manner.

Megan said...

Wow, you're lucky - I get accused of making my child lie and getting her in trouble!

Tonya said...

Wow, this post speaks to me! I feel like I have been caught! LOL

Anonymous said...

That's messed up.

Michelle said...

Too funny! My kids tell me the same thing but I don't buy it for a second. The funny part is things they have spent forever looking for I can usually find in a minute or two. I always say "I am not the one who wore your shoes (or played with that toy) last. Where did YOU put it?" Soccer gear is usually the hardest for my two girls to find on Saturday morning.

You really are the meanest mom ;-)

Lolli said...

Caught!

This is a hilarious post. I love it!!

HW said...

I've gone beyond the homework.
I now hide my daughter's favorite jeans, ONE black ballet flat, "that one necklace she bought at the mall..." and her eyeliner.

Oh and sometimes I refuse to French braid "just her bangs" so she'll pitch horribly at her softball game. Cause I love to see her bangs fall in her eyes while she's on the mound. I like to use the "I don't have time" excuse with the hair thing because *I* am the one who likes to make her change her softball socks four times and apply her makeup in the dining room before leaving for a game.
Yeah, I love that stuff.

togetherforgood said...

Oh my goodness, I do the SAME THINGS!

I've also had a few more ideas you don't seem to have thought of yet. I mean, if you're going to make your kids' lives miserable, might as well do a complete job of it, right?

I remove my kids' socks from the dresser where they, of course, ALWAYS put them, and I hide them around the house. Some of my favorite places include under the couch, on the dining room table, and under an invisibility shield in the middle of the living room floor.

I regularly steal their coats, always so neatly hung in the closet, and put them in random places like the back seat of the van or the bathroom.

And when they're not looking, I play with their legos, sticking the pieces together so they can't take them apart, biting them so they have big teeth marks in them, and leaving the specialty pieces on the kitchen counter and floating in the toilet.

It's all part of the motherhood gig.

Jesus Chick said...

Far more elusive than catching the thief in the night, is the old urban legend...you know...

The child that admits your innocence as you pull the item out from where you said you saw it last. AKA, right under their nose and the exact location they claimed to have already checked 5 times.

Kira said...

YOU YOU are the one that is doing it here too...it certainly isn't MY kids doing it (at least that is what they tell me at the top of their lungs).

Too Many Hats said...

I was just telling hubby last night that it is always the mom's fault no matter the crime or the age of the child. We get a bum rap, ladies. In addition, to my kids blaming me for dried up glue sticks with no lids and no underwear in their drawers since there were none in the hamper, hubby has decided to blame me for shrinking his clothes - I just cannot win.

Kristen and Co. said...

I tend to leave completed blue cards for merit badges right on top of my son's dresser...where he can't find them or get them to the proper scout leader.

MamaOtwins+1 said...

We Mom's are so mean! Our goal in life must be to make sure our kids Don't succeed.

Liz said...

My 6 yr old blames me for everything. Once she tripped and fell and claimed it was because I was too close to her. I was in a different room.

Kadi said...

This one hits too close to home. Hilarious!

Robin said...

Every.Single.Day.

Last night, after everyone went to bed, I broke into my son's school, and left his favorite jacket at his chair.


I am patiently waiting for my mother of the year award.

edith said...

My husband used to say we had kids so we could blame things on them. It comes as no surprise that that's why they have us, too.

Michelle said...

HAHAHA!! I've haven't had that one yet, but I have been accused of ruining their lives! The first time I ruined my oldest ones life was when he was 5. We were sitting in the dr. office. I have no idea what I did to ruin his life, but I remember I had to write it down because it was the very first time I had ever ruined his life! That was March of 2006, and I've ruined his life many times since then!

God Bless

Liz said...

This is too funny! I have enjoyed reading these comments. Our kids are so clever aren't they?

Reiko said...

I think the thievery must be like the H1N1 virus but only moms can catch it. Hopefully they'll come up with a vaccine soon so we can stop getting blamed for everything that goes missing, eaten, not handed in, broken or done wrong.

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

Just for fun, I hide shoes, too. I never put a pair together. I hide them throughout the house in the most obscure places.

Yup. That's me. A shoe hider.

Christi said...

Yesterday, when I was trying to get everyone out the door, my 7 year old said "Mom, you're lucky. All you have to do is boss everyone around!"

The Novelist said...

I am laughing so hard right now because two days ago my 14 year old son accused me of throwing out his Biology book and binder. He kept asking me what I did with it. I must have done something with it because it was right there and now it isn't. I sent him to school in a huff. When he got home he was acting kind of sheepish. He fessed up that the items were in his locker again. He had forgotten than he lent them to his friend. I am just waiting for to see what else I will "throw away"!

Sarah said...

Oh yes...I only remind them 5 times of something...not 20!!! What a slacker!

Family of 5 said...

Along with the homework thief, aren't you also the one that misplaces your husbands keys every morning too? I get accused of all those things every day! Glad I'm not the only one.

Amalie said...

every morning I have a panic attack looking for my son's backpack. fun times.

Janille said...

Well of course this is true - that is why moms always know where everything is. Because we hid it in the first place. :-)

~Mama Skates~ said...

oh heck yeah! we're such evil Mamas!

Ross & Amanda Goodman said...

Oh dear- I loved this!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Maybe you and I can be cell-mates. Think how much easier life will be in the clinker. :)

Sarah said...

My 40-year-old daughter asked me what I did with her daughter's shoes! After three days I found them in a bag on my daughter's rocking chair. She got it from her father, who always asks what I have done with his keys.

Meeko Fabulous said...

Whenever I asked my mom if she knew were something was . . . for example . . . "Mom! Oh mom! Where's my backpack?" My mom would come back with a snarky "Well . . . I know where MY backpack is . . ." LOL! :)

Nate and Stacia said...

LOL- Cause you have nothing better to do at midnight, right?

Jen Harms Wilson said...

No kids yet at this house, but I know that sometimes I can't find something until I have blamed my husband of taking it and hiding it.

We both know that he didn't really do it, but I will look and look for the item that is missing and it won't be found until the accusation is made (and then we usually find it in less than a minute).

I am sure my kids will do this to me, but I reserve the right to blame them as well. Or maybe they will follow my example and Daddy will be the thief at our house. . .

Rachel said...

I get accused of giving all their favorite books, toys, and clothes to a local charity.

Anonymous said...

That's funny. No one dares accuse me of losing their items around here. If they do and I go looking and find it - it becomes mine to do with as I please..

And that is typically a chore to "earn" the item back. Nothing worse than taking their stuff back upstairs to their rooms...

metaphase said...

I also am supposed to know where my husband's stuff is, too! Because, you know, I love to wear size 12 men's shoes and a military uniform!

Kiwi said...

My mother really DID used to hide things - my brother's favourite pair of shoes (that had so many holes they forbid him to wear them on the snow, but he did anyway), my favourite sweater they were sick of seeing me wear...y'know, that kind of stuff ;)

AlsoMean said...

My 7yr old son blames me!
My 4 yr old daughter blames her brother!
My 40 yr old husband blames me sometimes....rrrrrr

My son did accept blame for my sore back on Monday.
He said "Sorry Mom, I stepped on a crack."

Raych the brain Stangle said...

tell me about it. my days work doesn't stop at eating bon, bons and watching sappy romantic movies while the kids are gone.

I also like to hide stuff like the gallon of milk waaay in the back of the fridge. but that is too transparent cause I get asked about it from everyone, from my husband on down. apparently my spouse and children loose their eye sight in spurts. it's fine when they are playing video games, or playing out side, and with friends, but when it comes to looking for their shoes. -ahh they go blind!

and I also have supernatural abilities, cause I can make my daughters milk tip over while sitting at the far end of the table. I must be one of those evil genesis' hiding and wreaking everything that is important to those around me. but personally I'd rather use these killer abilities to get me a diet coke from the fridge while sitting in the living room. if only I knew how to hone this power? I would be invincible!

Tutus and Choo-Choos said...

That is so true. If they forget something, the mom is always the first person to get blamed.

Molly said...

yep, I take their coats out in the backyard playhouse in the middle of the night and let the sprinklers get them all wet...ha ha! it's so funny!!

Anonymous said...

wow... and i thought my mom was bad!!!!

June said...

I also enjoy unmaking their beds, taking the clothing out of the hamper and throwing it on the floor of their rooms, taking their wet towels off of the hooks and leaving them on the bathroom floor, and hiding their school library books.

Lainie said...

Yes, yes, YES! In fact I just blogged about it five minutes ago. My husband called me from 250 miles away to ask what I did with the halloween candy. They finally found it in one of the cabinets but who knew? You can read it at http://lainielevin.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/tell-me-you-love-me/

Lissa said...

When we were little and couldn't find something, we would ask my Mom she would say "I don't know but if I can find it in less than 5 minutes I get to pinch you..." that solved it. We quit asking where things were:)

Lisa said...

Oh too Funny!!! Im the sock thief around here!!! And that comes from hubby too!!!

Anonymous said...

You know, as a class teacher, we SO blame the parents for this!!!! (Actually, I teach 8+ yr olds and whenever I get a " My mummy didn't sign this" or "My daddy forgot to..." I tell them they are old enough to organise it themselves and if they use that excuse again, they'll lose Golden Time !! Meanest Teacher or what !!

HW said...

I'm back.
Seeing a little of the "ruin their lives" theme popping up, I remembered how our daughter at age 13 screamed at us "YOU. MADE. ME. A. FREAK!!!"
Of course we did. We wouldn't let her have texting.

Just a little "encouragement" for the young moms. Ages 13-(indefinite) are loads of fun with daughters.

damiana said...

I found this blog while bored at work and only intended on reading one or two posts to pass some time... a week later I have managed to read every single post that you have made! I have laughed, cried, and been reminded of raising my own boy. Thank you for showing the rest of us that there is no such thing as the "perfect parent". Jana, you are an inspiration. I wish you the best for you and all of your precious family.

Elexie said...

My stock response to my first graders who tell me that Mom forgot to pack their snack, put their homework in their folder, etc.: "Your mom is a first grader, too?" Confused students: "No, she forgot to poack MY homework." Me: "So your mom already did first grade?" Them, laughing, "Yeah, a long time ago!" Me: "Then her days of putting homework in folders are over. You are the first grader. It's your job."

Someone has to let Mom off the hook. ;)

Cathryn said...

It's only because YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. And enjoy it while it lasts, because you will know NOTHING the minute they turn 15 and it will last until they get married and realize all the stuff you did that THEY have to do now!!!

Diva Ma @ Mommy Fabulous said...

I tell my kids not to study for their spelling and reading tests because I like to see them get low grades!

Rocket Ma'am said...

Did I write this?

MormonSurrogate said...

If my 12 year old ADHD child lost something, then YES it is most certainly my fault. It is also my fault when he doesn't get his way or have a good day. According to him, my husband and I just Love to ruin his life!

The girls lose things too, they just don't blame me as much.

Mirinda said...

Sounds like we both spend our free time doing the same things...it's amazing how we manage to be at fault as mothers for EVERY little thing.

Nicole said...

I do believe this is the cleverist blog post I have ever read.

SanitySrchr said...

I laughed so hard, I was CRYING! You've been lurking around our house too! :)

thebadending2 said...

I thought I was the only parent that went through so much trouble to have an absolutely crazy morning! Thanks so much for all of your postings...reading these in class make my day entertaining

Anonymous said...

My kids aren't old enough yet but my husband loves to accuse me of moving his important stuff

Taryn said...

LOL! When I was in third grade my mom actually did hide my school books from me. She had told me to put them in my room and I didn't do it. (and it hadn't been the first time) So, she hid them and I had to go to school without them. I did get in trouble at school and I never left my books lying around after that.

Oh, and yes, I must be wearing my kids shoes especially.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Laughing and laughing ... you are hysterical ...

Erica said...

Most Definately have I been accused or at least blamed for the action. "Mom...I put it in my backpack" It must have mysteriously disapeared.

JAMIE said...

one of my favorite posts yet. I too am guilty!