January 6, 2010

Bad Hair

My husband is smart enough not to make overt comments about my appearance unless they are glowing compliments.

In the past, opinions that he could not keep to himself often took the form of dream visions.

"Last night, I had a dream that I was being trampled to death by a herd of water buffalo," he once told me. Coincidentally, at the same time, I was wearing a pair of zebra-print pumps.

After making an appointment for my husband at a local sleep disorder clinic, he switched strategies. Now he asks strange and ambiguous questions, usually at very inappropriate times.

We were in the middle of a church service last Sunday when he leaned across the pew and made an inquiry about my hair.

"What are your plans for your hair?" he whispered.

My best guess was that he was referring to the way that my hair was styled at that moment. We were running late that morning and I only had time to blow dry one side of my hair. The other side and the back were scraggly and limp. Until my husband drew attention to the obvious, I didn't necessairly see my condition as a problem.

Unsure of exactly what he meant by his question, I wrote a number of possibilities on the back of the sacrament program and passed it down the aisle.

"Do you mean my immediate plan, my five-year plan, or my lifelong goal?" I wrote.

"Whatever," he mouthed.

After a few moments of deep, honest soul-searching, I realized that my plans for my hair are quite ambitious.

"I want it to become President," I wrote back.

My husband stuck out his tongue at me. Following the good example of their father, my children followed suit.

*********
I realize that this post calls for a current photograph of myself. I would love to oblige, but I left my awesome and only camera in Washington D.C. last weekend by mistake. A very nice security officer is mailing it back to me, but it's going to take a week or so to get it back. Very grateful for his generosity...very sad about missed photo opportunities.

**********
How does your significant other express his opinion about your appearance?

64 comments

KPost said...

The other day my husband looks over at me and asks "did you put any makeup on today?" Sensing he said something wrong he tried to correct it by saying "well ...your face just looks kinda red have you been scrubbing it?" "I mean, it looks dry, you just have a piece of dry skin on your nose..."

He just kept digging a deeper hole. I love him anyway :)

Sue said...

Mine just lets 'em rip.

=)

Nate and Stacia said...

It's usually something like... "I thought you were going to wear your black shirt instead." Really? What made you think that since I didn't even try it on. I don't think you actually 'thought' that, I think you wanted me to. But most of the time, he's smart enough to NOT say anything!

LisaDuvall said...

You never fail to crack me up! My husband seems to subscribe to the "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything." That has probably saved his life.

SanitySrchr said...

My husband must have a limited ability to express significant opinions about my appearance. The extent of his capabilities extends to walking behind me, usually when I'm brushing my teeth, grabbing my ass and saying "I love your ass." I find it charming in a "spit up in your mouth" kinda way. (I should probably mention that my rump is the size of one of an elephant, and I'm really insecure about it.)

He also commonly mentions to close friends that WE are going to be working out come the first of the year. He made a big deal about a popular gym advertisement on the TV last night too. He said WE ought to do that. By WE, I think he's referring to himself and the mouse in his pocket.

Both of the above mentioned compliments are usually considered "foreplay" in our home too!

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Yeah...i have gotten the hair one before...it's no fun...but no ones gonna be more honest than someone that looks at you everyday.

CountessLaurie said...

Okay, seriously? What are your plans for your hair??

I would have laughed right out loud.

My husband doesn't say much unless I ask for an opinion. And momma didn't raise no dummy :-)

Tonia said...

Mine asks where I've been since I've done my hair.

HT said...

My husband never comments on my appearance and is very careful in answering questions that are solicited by me about my appearance! He tends to revert to the "You are gorgeous!" or "You are perfect", because I can easily twist statements until it sounded like he said:" Your but is too big!"

I should've become a lawyer. I would have been able to retire by now.

Ross & Amanda Goodman- but mostly Amanda :) said...

My husband tries to hide the comments in compliments- ie: "Gosh- you must have done a lot of work today!", "I love that you are so low maintenance", "You deserve to go somewhere tonight that you have to wear a bra to." Bless him, he does try. :)

you can call me "Jen" said...

I just usually get "Did you do something different?"

I choose to see it as a complimentary thing. :)

Scout's Honor said...

Wow, I applaud him for his honesty, but some things he could probably keep to himsef. Heh!

I have the opposite. My husband tell me I look fabulous even when my hair sticks up on one side and I've got raccoon eyes. Can't trust him or his opinion evah!

At least you know you have someone who will really tell you like it is!

~Scout

happyfamily said...

My husband is all about the truth, the whole truth, so help him....

So, I get lots of good, along with quite a bit bad. His standards are pretty low, but if I ask him how I look and he doesn't like it, he'll tell me. In our 6 years of marriage, I've decided that I'd rather know that I look bad than go out in the world looking bad. I've also decided that I can overrule his decisions- if I feel confident about myself, then what he says doesn't matter.

Stephanie @ Figments said...

The fact that you went out with one side of your head blown dry is just hilarious!

Raspberry said...

The compliments are top notch - as long as we're horizontal.

sara said...

Oh man, my husband knows it had better be glowing compliments or nothing at all! (And he's very generous with the glowing compliments.)

Becca said...

My Husband is a compliment-giver... now and then. He'll say something like "I really like your hair today" once every six months or so.

Similarly, he'll occasionally say "Dinner tonight was so great that you should go sit and read a book and we'll clean up without you." (Also about twice a year. But he DOES it! - and then I go do it over after he's gone...)

Emz said...

mine --- ? - - "when did you say your next hair cut/color was?" [as if to put it on his calendar. huff]

CSIowa said...

I think this one is all about timing. Next time lock yourself in the bathroom while he gets everyone ready for church and buckled in the car. When he gets in the car with soggy breakfast cereal on his tie and snot on the shoulder of his suit coat, you can wait until the middle of the meeting to pretend that you just noticed.

Mary said...

I was recently with my Husband, Mom, Dad & Brother at the airport waiting to head to California for Christmas & my lovely husband grabs a handful of my hair and started to exam it quite closely, and then decided to tell me that I "really" need to get a haircut you have alot of split ends...gee thanks for taking notice I'll make sure to jump right on that when we get home, oh did I mention I'm 6 months pregnant...yeah that's about the last thing I'm worried about right now....

Merri Ann said...

My husband frequently asks me "Are you going to shower before we go?" .. of course this is after I've spent about an hour getting ready. You'd think that after 16 years of marriage he could tell the difference between the hag that wakes up next to him and the goddess that is ready to go out :)

Megan B said...

My husband just says "sure". As in, "Honey, do you like my hair/shirt/dress/what-have-you?"

"Sure."

His tone is always just a little high pitched and tentative. He has started leaving off the question mark at the end of it though. Smart man.

Elisa said...

are you kidding? he's Swiss, the guy hardly talks. I, on the other hand, have no problem telling him when I think he should change ;-)

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Dear Hubby never says a word - unless I am dressed to the nines in which case he is allowed to compliment me.
In return - I allow him to get away with shaving only once a week.

Working Mommy said...

The hubs knows better than to open his trap!! Ha!

~WM

delilas said...

Hair has always been an issue in our relationship. From the very beginning, 1/4 century ago, he told me that he liked girls with long dark hair. There I sat with short blond hair and he married me anyway. Now he just tells me "It is not my favorite", good choice of words.

Christy said...

My husband must be on the verge of blindness. My hair can be so full and frizzy (to where it almost won't fit through the bathroom door) and I'm not wearing a hair clip (which I do 95% of the time) and he'll say, "You look fine, no one will notice it's not perfect" -- His opinion cannot be trusted!

Emily Heizer said...

My boyfriend and I were walking through a parking lot into Starbucks and he intensely stared at my face, so much so that I stopped and asked what was wrong.

"Look!," the idiot chirps,"We're the sweaty uppper lip twins!"

Pause.... "Out kids are doomed."

Gee, thanks babe.

noelle said...

when are you going to write a book already???

Michelle said...

Aren't husbands great?

How was DC? You were in my neck of the woods.

The Dolezal Family said...

Whenever asked, my husband always says I look fine. Not FIIIINNNE, just fine. I then always snap back that "Fine" was just the look I was going for and slam the bedroom door in his face and continue to try on 10+ more outfits.

Jodee Leader said...

Hilarious! My hubs would have every right to ask me if and when I planned to get out of my PJs but he never does! His compliments are mainly on date nights when he expects action at the end of the night! So typical!

Anonymous said...

Mine hates short hair and likes mine long. Typical male. I still do what I want, although I had to agree...longer is better on me, for now. Usually, he won't say anything unless he's in the mood, then he'll say I look nice or sexy or beautiful. Typical male.

Kelli said...

My hubs isn't the most generous with compliments, therefore he has learned that he'd better be extremely cautious with any 'constructive criticism' he chooses to offer. For instance, he'd better be aware that I'm about to spontaneously combust or something before he tells me he doesn't like: (1) the way I'm dressed (2) the style of my hair or (3) the way my makeup is applied.

Karen said...

My husband either asks me first for my opinion, as in "How do you think your hair looks today?" or he starts out with the positives before hitting me with his suggestions for change, as in "I just want to say first that I think this meal tastes really good, but don't you think it would taste better if you didn't add the onions, but maybe substituted mushrooms and cooked the meat a little longer and...."

Kim said...

My husband has a way of complimenting me that makes me suddenly hate what I'm wearing or the way I look. And he's being sincere.

Krista said...

Funny you should ask, recently my husband looked at me, looked up at my hair and said,
"What's going on up there?" (I was in the process of growing out my bangs)
I said, "Whattya mean what's going on?"
He said, "With your hair, what's going on with it?"
"Umm, nothing, why?" I said.
"Well, I don't think I like it. I married a girl with bangs, I like a girl with bangs."
I promptly went in to the bathroom and cut bangs, two seconds before we were walking out the door for a party. I did a horrendous job and ran to my stylist the next day. I now have bangs again. Crap.

crazynursingstudent said...

My favorite was the one evening when my fiance and I were cuddling, and he looked at me with his face all contorted and said, "Baby, you smell like a hospital."

I had switched soaps that day. Needless to say, the new soap went in the trash!

Otherwise, he tells me I am beautiful atleast once a day, even if I am in my PJs. His momma taught him well!

Gabrielle Mappone said...

Mine will not make a negative comment. He will not even answer the question "Does my butt look big?" "Do I look fat?" He will only say, "Do You think I am stupid?"....the worst thing he ever said to me was,"Sweetie, did you turn the light on when you got dressed this morning?"....I hadn't and I should have!!

However, on the hair comment...I am in serious need of *something*. I asked him if I should cut it shoulder length or keep it really long as I thought it was getting stringy. He just responded, "I prefer you with hair"...then he quickly responded, "unless there was a medical reason and you felt better shaving it off"....ok he isnt romantic and I need to accept it where I can get it!

Too Many Hats said...

LOL. I think my hubby is oblivious and when I ask him straight out he tells me I look wonderful (I could be drooling and have my hair in rats nests). After almost 19 years of marriage he knows a thing or two.

HeidyZane said...

the best from my husband thus far: me: "Do you think I'm losing weight?"
him: "yeah, your stomach doesn't poke out as far"
me: crying in the corner for the rest of the evening.

Malea said...

I want to sit next to your family in Sacrament:)

Lissa said...

My husband does a lot of what yours does. In fact, my reading this to him had him saying something along the lines of "That's what I say!" He also mentions haircuts and styles he likes, saying "You would look good in that" or "Your hair would do that great wouldn't it?" I finally had to tell him he married me and not my hair since at the time he met me his was long and I chopped it chin length the week after the wedding and it hasn't been back since.

Kay said...

Pregnancy does funny stuff to your body. During mine, I developed a perfect circle of grey hairs right in front (think Rouge from X-men). 25 year olds do NOT look sexy with greys. After pouring over far too many baby books, I feared for my child's future IQ if I dyed my hair.
A few months later my husband and I were grocery shopping and he ran into some co-workers. He didn't include me much in the conversation and he kept shooting me worried glances. After saying goodbye, he turned to me and asked, "Do you think they sell hair dye here? Because these florescent lights are making your hair look REALLY grey." I explained what my pregnancy books had implied and how I decided to forgo beauty for the sake of my child.
My husband nodded, seeming to see my point of view.
We walked around a little longer before he turned back to me and said,
"You know, I think that's a risk I'm willing to take..."

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

When I was sick with the flu, I was told, "You look so much less awful today!" Thanks, hon.

Valerie S said...

My husband says stuff like "Are you going to wear that????" which is obvious because I have it on. The first time I cut my long hair he told me the new style made me look old. He has never said THAT again.

Connie said...

You're pretty good with your come backs!
After coloring my hair for 25 years, I decided I would see what it looked like without the color. (I know, I never thought it would come to this) My beautician stripped my color which left me pretty blonde. I went home and my hubby didn't say a word. Finally, I asked him if he noticed and if so, why he didn't say anything about it. He gave me the deer in the headlights look then said, "I noticed but I didn't know what you wanted me to say!"

Anonymous said...

The last time my husband told me I looked nice, I was standing naked in the bathroom.

Anonymous said...

That byplay is just hilarious! And brave!

After reading all these other posts, it begs the question:

WHY do we ask our men questions if we don't want the real answers??? There's a whole lotta passive aggressive relationship maneuvering going on around here!
I feel some sympathy for the guys here - darned if they do, darned if they don't!

Anonymous said...

You konw I have NO sympathy for the men at all!! They say whatever they want to women whether it was requested or not!! Usually not!

They can gain weight, go bald, turn grey, get a big stomach that hangs over their belt and yet they still strut around like they are all that and a bag of chips and yet still feel they have the right to say whatever they want to women.

Whenever my husband feels the need to point out something to me he doesn't like about me...I just push him towards the mirror and remind him he isn't the golden specimen of manhood any more either so he better be careful what he is dishing out! HA MEN!!!

PS I have married almost 30 years.

Anonymous said...

once, i was a beautiful and sultry vixen practically floating out the front door when i paused and turned to ask my husband "well? how do i look?"

and i kid you not he says:

"what are those? your whorin' shoes?"

The man has NEVER used that word in his life. I laughed so hard, I almost split my spanx.

What platform would your hair campaign on?

Tessica said...

For years my then-boyfriend-no-hubby begged for me to grow out my hair, which I would occasionaly do but then promptly chop off much to his chagrin. Recently the hubby saw a picture of me with my hair at its longest and informed me he didn't know what I was thinking with that hairstyle: "you look so much better with it short, like you have it now"

a withering look was all he recieved, but I later decided that it might have been a compliment!

HW said...

My husband rarely comments but if he doesn't like something, he falls back on a line he learned at a marriage seminar.."it really doesn't do you justice."

We now use the same line with our teenage daughter which helps us avoid many slammed doors and accusations of ruining her life.

mamacoreenie said...

I like your husbands tactics better than my hubby. Mine just flat out says mean things. I cut 4 inches off my hair and he commented that if I went any shorter I've have "mom" hair (even though it still hit my shoulders). Pregnant now with our second baby and apparently my pink pjs make me look like Miss Piggy. And he cannot, for the life of him, figure out why I always look so tired even though I fall asleep by 9p every night. He conveniently fails to take into consideration that I am pregnant, we have a 3 yr old son, and I work full-time. Men!

Amy said...

He graciously makes a comment about how he might feel like a little pepto bismol if I am wearing pink, he sings commerical jingles about things that "remind" him of something on me, or if he is in a really sensitive mood he usually starts the question "are you SURE you want to go out looking like that?"

Gotta love those men! He has improved though. I had plenty of warning as we were dating and engaged. His tact has increased by about 110%...good thing I have NICE THICK skin....and he is bald so I have mean stuff I can comment about to him :)

Laurie said...

Tears, rolling down my face, laughing so hard. Please write a book. I promise I'll buy it. :)

Anonymous said...

My husband's only comment about my appearance is "I love your hooters, they are so big." Part of the reason they are so big is because I've gained 50 pounds over the years. I roll my eyes when he says this, but I guess it's better than him complaining!

A said...

My husband just won't answer. then he changes the subject. For example:
Me: How does my hair look?"
Him: "(dead silence)............. Is it a little too quiet? I better check the kids!"

shelbi said...

The eye brows....and let's be honest, aren't most of them just down right open books....

Anonymous said...

i killed myself laughing at this post - i don't know why but i could picture the whole convo - you are very funny - we share the same sense of humour!!!

Meg said...

My Hubby just says (even if I do look dreadful) "You look amazing" OR "I will take you however I can have you!"
Or my favorite response when I ask most sincerely "Do you like me better thinner or Heavier?" "I love you however you are, I have no preference, however you are is just right!"

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