While my kindergartners were at school this morning, I cleaned my house. The desire to prolong the transcendent experience of having all of the beds in my house made at the same time led me to pick up my sons from the bus stop and drive aimlessly around my town for two hours.
"Where are we going?" they asked.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully.
"How long are we going to be gone?" Cortlen asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and turned into a random subdivision. "Look at those Christmas decorations!" I said, pointing at the house on the corner.
"I want to go home!" Kellen wailed. There was worry in his voice.
Three subdivisions and drive-thru car wash later, I found myself at a stoplight. Straight ahead was a tattoo parlor. On the sidewalk to my right stood a man dressed as the Statute of Liberty. He was gyrating to the music in his i-pod while holding a sign bearing the contact information for a local tax accountant. To my left was a bakery named Dippin' Donuts. If it weren't for the obscenely large hand-painted buttermilk bar on the front window, I might have mistaken the shop for its legitimate relative.
Of course we had to go in.
There were exactly 11 doughnuts in the display case. I would have ordered a dozen, but I didn't have enough cash.
Taped to the front of the register was a large poster board listing the shop's daily specials. Lucky for us, Wednesday was "Kid Day." For 96 cents, children under the age of 10 could decorate a doughnut (and I quote) "just like the pro's."
"We'd like to decorate two doughnuts please," I told the cashier.
The cashier gave me a blank stare and asked me what I was talking about.
When I pointed to the sign, she let out a long, loud sigh and coughed into her hand.
"I have a woman here who wants to decorate two doughnuts," the cashier yelled to someone in the back.
"My kids want to decorate the doughnuts," I corrected.
A teenage girl popped her head around door frame. "What?" she asked. The girl's eyebrows were furrowed into a puzzled expression.
"We'll come back later," I said, shoving my kids in the direction of the car.
"No, it's all right, " moaned the teenager. "I've got the stuff right here." With great deliberation, she wheeled in a cart from the back room. On that cart was a tub of chocolate frosting and a can of candied sprinkles.
"So that's how they do it," I said to myself. My brain almost exploded with this revelation.
What I had hoped would take 45 minutes ended up taking 4.5 seconds.
"Now what?" my sons asked, licking their fingers.
I gave them two choices: they could either chat with Lady Liberty or watch someone tattoo a row of barbed wire around a drunk man's forearm.
****
What "amazing" things are you doing to entertain your kids this winter?
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22 comments
Seeing as how we are already having tank top and flip flop weather, we have been spending a ton of time at the park before it becomes the inferno.
Lots of snow time. But like the playset in the spring, it's becoming old fast... My kids have been in school a total of five hours since last Thursday.
I wonder if you are the first ones to ever ask to do that. Sounds like they need some new help
This is so funny. Different part of town, huh?
Wow we aren't doing anything nearly as exciting as decorating donuts! =)
Hey, we have one of those Lady Liberties, too! Why am I always the only one who waves back?
I don't know about "amusing" my kids, but this winter has served as an amazing lesson to me of just how helpful my kids can be. Just yesterday, it occurred to me that my son would be more than capable of emptying the dryer, dragging the full basket in front of the television, and, there, he and his sister could pair the sock and sort the underpants. I was hyper from the exhilaration.
Well, I'm slapping my forehead right now. All those snow days we had when our kids were little and I never once thought to take them to a tattoo parlor.
I wonder if they'll ever forgive me.
Your blog is amazing.
My twins have discovered the Legos. Playtime is great while it's cold out but boy, do my feet hurt! BTW, great post!
You are a master of wry, desperate Mom-humor. Thank you for my daily chuckle.
LOL - your stories make me laugh! Do all of these crazy things really happen to you??
Thankfully the teens are pretty good at amusing themselves. Although watching someone get a tat might interest them.
ROFL! Cutural experiences abound, don't they? How long did it take for them to destroy the prisitne cleanliness of your abode?
Hang in there, MM!
sigh.
prisTINE, not prisitne.
Who the heck is prisitne anyway?
During the week we get home so late, that after homework, evening chores and daily routines my kids are happy to get 20 minutes of reading before bedtime (instead of directly going to bed). On the weekends, we are ALL excited to get out of the house. You will never find another bunch of people glad to be able to go grocery shopping!
Parenthood-- ya gotta love it!
Yes, time outside is a lifesaver! We actually joined the YMCA, it is $50 a month for our family, much less than counseling, daycare, or anything else I might otherwise try to distance myself from the crazies.
Sitting on the toilet or talking on the telephone seems to be the only thing that gets my children's attention. That's when they just HAVE to talk to me.
I have SO driven around randomly to keep from going home to ruin a clean house. I'll take them to a fast food restaurant an hour away just to induce peace and quiet for a couple hours.
I just started reading your blog, say a month ago! This particular post had me in tears, not because it's sad- but I was seriously rolling on the floor. You are the most fabulous mom {and writer} I've ever known. And I feel like I know you, too!
it is the end of february, i am letting them play with matches now. i gave up in january.
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