May 19, 2010
The Bachelorette (Party)
Yesterday morning I received an email from my sister's former roommate inviting me to a little pre-wedding Bachelorette party.
Before I go any further, I must clarify that this is a Mormon Bachelorette party. It's going to be held at someone's house and the most scandalous thing about it will be the presence of caffeinated soda.
Shortly after receiving this email, I got a follow up phone call from the bride-to-be.
"Are you coming?" she wanted to know.
"Wouldn't miss it,"I replied. "What can I bring?"
"Your Costco card," she said.
At least she's honest.
In attendance at the party will be all of my sister's friends as well as several of my obnoxiously cute and wrinkle-free younger sisters and cousins. I am going to be the oldest person at the party by 8 years and 8 months, but whose counting?
Here's my dilemma: I need to be nice enough to my relatives and sister's friends so that they will watch my kids during the wedding ceremony, but off-putting enough to command the respect I deserve as the alpha female. I plan to navigate this difficult terrain in my new pair of skinny jeans.
"You do that," said my sister.
What I didn't tell my sister is that the jeans have an elastic waistband.
"You are not to talk to anyone at the party about miracle bras, Dancing With the Stars, or Everyday Math," she told me.
Sadly, these restrictions leave me little to talk about except elastic waistband skinny jeans...which are amazing by the way. I bought them at the mall earlier this week for $9.50. For some reason, they didn't sell well and had to be practically given away. They remind me a little of maternity pantyhose, but I choose to repress such negative connotations in favor of the promise of being accepted by a group of people who were born when I was in high school.