May 25, 2010

The Census Worker

Today I hit a woman with my car. As I was backing down my driveway, the woman jumped out from behind a gigantic bush and landed directly in the path of my rear view mirror.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried. "I didn't see you!"

"I was trying to tap on your window!" the woman explained, cradling her bruised arm.

"Are you hurt?" I asked.

The woman thought that the edge of her I.D. card might be bent. That's when I noticed her clipboard and name tag.

"We turned in our census form," I told her.

The woman's records said otherwise.

"We got the form in the mail and my husband said that he would take care of it," I replied.

The woman smiled out of the corner of her mouth. "Is there any way that he forgot to send it back in?" she asked.

I imagined the census form buried alive under a stack of Sports Illustrated magazines somewhere in my basement, crying for help.

"Give me another form," I demanded.

The woman showed me the document but said that she was required to fill it out herself.

Even more exhilarating than filling out a government form is watching someone else fill out a government form for you.

It's spelled C-O-R-T-L-E-N I said at least three times.

"I told you we should have spelled it like the apple," my husband said.

"We want to make sure that we don't leave anyone out," the woman told me. "Are you sure no one else was living here as of April 1st?"

"I'm certain," I replied.

"No aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, college students, homeless people, transients?"

"Nope," I answered.

"No for all of them or just one? ' she wanted to know.

I looked around the room for something upon which to impale myself.

"Right now we have three squatters," I confessed. "All living in my kids' closets."

The woman looked very concerned.

"Currently, we've got a snow monster, a bad wizard, and a clown puppet that comes alive at the stroke of midnight," I continued.

The woman wrote down "possible squatters" in her notes and underlined it twice.

"Are you male or female?" she asked, switching gears.

"What?" I screeched.

"We've been told not to assume but always ask," she replied.

"Take your best guess," I told her, pointing to my chest.

The woman decided to leave that answer blank, thus doing wonders for my self-esteem.

"You brought that one upon yourself," my husband told me.

"Someone from my office might come back and talk with you some more," the woman warned.

I can't imagine why.

90 comments

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Love the squatters line. You're a riot!

Lisa, An American Mom said...

I'm glad you messed with the census worker - that's awesome! Clearly another genius government worker here!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled on your blog and have laughed so hard I have tears running down my cheeks! I can't wait to read more! Jill

Toshia said...

My parents forgot to send in their form and had the pleasure of a visit from a census worker. He couldn't get over the fact that there were 7 kids living in the house and almost fell over when my mom told him there were 4 more already moved out!

Kate said...

Did you include the life form growing in a Tupperware in the back of the fridge?

I forgot to mention him on ours, which is a shame because I'm pretty sure he's achieved sentience, and his feelings are now hurt.

I'm still not gonna open the damn container though.

Catherine Dabels said...

Well?? Are you male or female??

Spring Jones said...

I laughed so hard at this! I filled out our form and mailed it in myself,and we STILL had a census worker come to our door. It's good to know I am not the only one they are hounding. :) Oh, and be careful with the clown- they can be pretty sneaky.

Heather B said...

"have i told you lately, that i love you?"....i just had the joy of a census worker at my door too...but too bad it wasnt my car door, and a bruised elbow. :(

Seth and Natalie said...

Because there is a barn, shop, and roping arena behind my house, someone must live in each of these dwellings. Plus the little outhouse, it definitely has occupants. At least that's what the census workers who keep visiting and making me fill out forms think. I'm fairly certain that outhouse hasn't seen human beings in it for at least 20 years.

Nancy Jacobs Basketmaster said...

Thanks! They lost our census form too that I sent in myself. The census guy came and my hubby was on a business call. Hubby told him to come back when I was home. I thank you ever so much for giving me advice on the squatters.
Hugs,
Nancy

Pink Little Ladies said...

I could not stop laughing while reading this...Hilarious...Thanks, I really needed a good laugh.

Jillayne said...

The best part was the closet squatters and the fact that she took them as "real" squatters. Seriously? Apparently, her parents forgot to pursue an imagination.

Thanks for the great laugh.

Anonymous said...

I've been a reader of your blog but have never commented before. But this post was Seriously. So. Funny. that I just had to say thanks for giving me a chuckle on this otherwise bleak day!

Pearl said...

So funny! Thanks for the good laugh today!

MrsDixon said...

I had this experience for the first time this year too! Luckily, he did not ask me if I was male or female...I might have punched him!

Jean said...

I am giggling with glee.

Fosters said...

I got the pleasure of a phone call. We were disconnected at least twice. Form was, however, filled out and recieved. BUT they had to go over all the information to make sure it was correct.
Lucky you, though. You got to answer a question for everyone. I had to be asked the same question for all eight household members one at a time. I couldn't even interrupt and say no before he was done or he had to start over! I should have let my three year old answer.

Anonymous said...

We had a census worker who practically parked herself on our front porch. She would show up 3-4 times a day, bang on our front door and ring our door bell for 5 minutes. Then just to prove that she was still here, she would go around to bang on our back door and ring the door bell for another 5 minutes.
She even was spotted peeking in my bed room window.
So, I put a note up on my front door spelling out to this person that since we do not know her, and she is a solicitor, she would not be let into our house.
To add to the charm,
I signed the note Bike Helmut, Chanda Lear, and Rufeous Manard.
Worked like a charm!

Livy said...

Hysterical!!!!! They lost our census for the entire state... we had to redo it over the phone. I called the lady at 8:00 am Sunday morning. She was still sleeping. LOL Was that mean?

midnight hysteria said...

seriously, some of the posts are waaay tooo funny ... i, though, never have had anyone to tell me the *squatters in the closet* line, yet, and i would have loved it ... i'm one of those *genius government workers* who come braying at your door b/c *someone* forgot to mail in the census forms or some *genius government worker* lost it in the heat of battle (work!) ... i'm sorry for the blatantly insipid ones, but some of us actually do our job quickly and *get out of there* ... we love the money, but the job ... well, it's a job and we do it ... i am the crew leader of a little band of census workers and i can commiserate with some of the remarks but most of my *band* are really, like ya'll, *just doin' my job* and find no purpose in rudeness or contrariness ... maybe a kind word and an understanding heart might get your census worker off your porch as quickly as he/she would want to get off it ... now that's a thought!

Anonymous said...

If I did not know from the other side what you have written about, I too would find your blog hilarious, because you write so well.

While it may seem strange to you how the questions were posed this is how they must be asked. Census workers are "trained" to collect information, not create it from their own observations. Census workers can not assume based on appearance that some one is male or female. Or that someone is of a certain race or group.

Census workers are temporary, part time employees, with no benefits, who are sent out to count every person in their assigned area and unless the people in these areas cooperate the count won't be right.

Many folks are gracious and polite, others are not so nice and their lack of cooperation costs taxpayers money. That's right-the game players drain taxpayers money in repeat visits and telephone calls.

This operation should have been quick and clean with folks answering basic questions without game playing. Instead, messing with census takers seems to be an unkind national sport these days.

vanilla said...

Love a good laugh before my second cuppa; and you are a reliable source for laughter.

Christine said...

I have been fortunate enough to have 3 visits, none for me. Yes, I know who lives next door. Give info and sign my name, second, has the house across the street really empty? Does it look like anyone is living there? It's been empty for 18 months but they couldn't take the mailman's word, they needed to hear it from a "real" person. OH ya and the house next to that sir, of course I know the kids, the parents hide--maybe because the kids hop our fence to go swimming or because dad is a dealer? I should be getting paid!

Heather said...

Good times.
I too wanted to mess with the census worker, but feared it would just prolong an already painful process.

TORI said...

I hate the census. I didn't fill mine out either and told the census worker that I refused to complete it. I suspect I will be arrested for anarchy any day now.

Mummy said...

I needed to pee before I read this blog post. Now I need a change of trousers.

linda said...

You crack me up.
One came to our door, before he opened his mouth i said "it was sent in long time ago"...his eyebrows went down, he said, "do you have 10 minutes?".... "nope"...he pursed his lips.....and cheerfully i said, "seeya!" and closed the door.

Leca said...

Blah ha ha! That's so awesome. I wish I could have seen it live!

cehendricks said...

Oh my!! I am glad that I didn't forget to turn my form in. If a census worker were to come knocking on my door this week they would probably not like my answers, seeing as I have NO patience this week. I would hope that I could be quick witted and joke like you, but it would not likely be the case.

♥Hawkins Family♥ said...

love your blog!! You totally make my day!

Cindy said...

Haha! We moved mid-April to a house that had been vacant for months. We did fill out our census form from our old residence, but we got a lovely note from a census worker one day. I called immediately to make sure she wasn't going to come by again. I explained that no one lived in that home on April 1, but that we had filled out our form already. She just couldn't get it. She kept asking who lived in the home. Who owned it? Why didn't anyone live there? When did you move in? When did they move out? Why wasn't a form returned? Where did the owner live as of April 1? Wow, lady! Just didn't get that we did not live there on of April 1!

Vicky said...

Just went through this!! My Census Worker was a sweet, elderly man that weighed 2 pounds and must've been somewhere along the age lines of 90-100. He looked like he was going to fall over dead in our terrible heat! My only complaint, after I'd sat him down in a lawn chair, was his inability to write faster than a snail's crawl!! He did have a great sense of humor, though!

becca said...

LOL! sooo funny! Whenever I send people over to read your blog, they always ask... are her stories always true?? I say I dont know for sure, but how could she make these things up?? LOL. Seriously, did you really hit her with your car? Thanks for another good laugh!

Rhonda said...

We DID send in our form and still got a phone call. Apparently they were suspicious that two people could marry and have 6 biological children together, and still be married. (I wonder at the sanitiy of it myself sometimes.)

The census worker kept asking over and over, are any of these adopted, step children, relatives, etc.... Nope, all ours.

My other favorite was the race question. They insisted on asking the race of each and every child, going through each option. So logic stands to reason, if my husband is white, and I am white, then which of our biological children could possibly be Chinese?

Olivia Singleton said...

Maybe you should have aimed to hit more than just her arm... just sayin'. I think she was asking for it.

Sants said...

They called me to confirm all six kids were my husband's biological, as I had marked on the phone. Then they confirmed that they were all white, like their biological mother and father. I wanted to say "Other' and clarify "Swedish/Welsh with just a touch of the Irish" but I was already running late to Chuck E Cheese end of the school year celebration.

The fact that I chose Chuck E Cheese over the census interview gives you a good idea of how much fun the phone call was.

Anonymous said...

I got the call too! I couldn't figure out why I filled out the form if we had to review it all over the phone... I told her I double checked my work, and it was all accurate - but we had to go thru EVERY SINGLE question. it was MISERABLE!

Jessica said...

LOL!!! You are awesome!!

Anonymous said...

We sent in TWO census forms. My husband the first, me the second because I thought we had lost the first (he never told me he had it). Still, we got a visit from a census worker. She was oriental and could hardly speak english, much less spell it. She couldn't understand that there are TWO Stephens living in my house and that one was a Jr and a Third. Kept trying to correct me. Then she flubbed up spelling my other kid's name which is not an ordinary spelling. 7 times. When I told her slowly and patiently how to spell it G-e-o-f-f-r-e-y, she kept correcting me and would instead spell it J-e-f-f-r-e-y. Wanted to argue if they were biological children or not too. For some reason she didn't think they were my kids. Then she got snitty when I insisted no one else lived here just as yours did. So after much arguing, I gave her the names and info of my two cats. One of which is black. And I claimed it as my biological child. Even though the rest of us are white. It concerns me that she didn't question that logic in the least.

You shoulda hit her harder. ;)

_Cit_

Jen said...

As a genealogist, I love the census's basic questions about names, ages and relationships.

As a non-Hispanic, ethnically American and with the race of "Human", I'm not too keen. I guess it grates on me that my last immigrant ancestor came to America in 1709 (300 years ago) and I'm still expected to put a nationality other than American. Geez Louise!

We got it twice. I admit some of the answers on the first one don't match the second, although that wasn't done purposefully but done due to brain cells lost from 6 pregnancies. I'm waiting for a phone call.

Anonymous said...

This is one of your best posts ever!!!! I heart this one.

crazy ramblings of a tired mom said...

That was absolutly Pricless!

Katie said...

Everyone has me wishing I hadn't filled out the damn census form!

Cindy said...

Can't... stop... laughing...

If the government/census workers are "only trying to do their job" and take a head count, wouldn't they know already if they got your form or not? Seems to me like the counters aren't keeping track of what they're counting.

Your mom went to college!

Kate said...

lol, we also had this pleasure. our census worker asked if my "crazy sister-in-law" had lived with us, truth that the government really DOES know everything.

Heather said...

I heard about the best census worker story the other day. True story I might add.

A mentally challenged man was home by himself when the census worker kept ringing the door bell over and over. Well... this man thought he was a GNOME instead, and locked him in a closet until his mom came home. When she came home she found him in the closet with a handful of M&M's. Apparently the midget(census worker) was also diabetic so the man would feed him M&M's one by one under the door.
He was really scared to say the least and mostly offended by being called a gnome.
Just picture it.

Mal said...

Note to self: fill out all census forms completely and send in promptly.

Mal said...

Note to self: fill out all census forms completely and send in promptly.

Can I just say my favorite line of this post is "I was trying to tap on your window"? Hahahaha!

Laurie said...

laughing, laughing, laughing SO hard it hurts!!

katina said...

I can completely relate to this!! They tortured me on the phone last week for 15 minutes...and I KNOW I sent the form in...I did it myself. Their explanation: We have some clarifying questions. For 15 MINUTES!! And you can't hang up on them...that just seems unfair!

Just Me said...

Fantastic post - I think I just woke up my son from laughing. I'm with Tori - I filled in the number "4" and I've been waiting for a visit/call/something, but so far we haven't had anyone come by. I refuse to fill out anything more than that. As for "Anon" - you can believe what you want, but playing census "games" is the least of the tax-payers worries these days!

Anonymous said...

I am absolutely appalled by the violence advocated by some of you posters: "You should have hit her harder!" or "I would have broken her arm!"

Are any of you Christians? If so, it is probably time for you to CTR -- Choose The Right. You can also DWJWHYD: Do What Jesus Would Have You Do.

You Should all get over yourselves -- anyone who believes her life is so complicated and so busy as to not want to help a fellow human do their job is certainly not practicing any of the above! You should all be ashamed of yourselves! And, Jana, you especially for thinking it's ok to be so superior and "better than"!

I feel really disappointed that you people, especially you Mormons, are this unkind and so uncharitable -- what a sad example you have set for all who are of your faith.

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

Ha ha ha. It makes me a little nervous that these people are working for the government.

Maddie said...

It really makes me sad for the state of our country when people can't be bothered to fill out their census. THEY HAVE YOUR INFORMATION ALREADY. If you have a social security number, "big brother" knows who you are. It's selfish, pure and simple. It's this "I have mine so I don't care if you get yours" attitude that makes me worried for the state of our country when my son is an adult.

Madeline said...

They don't have any right to ask your kids' names. You should have told her to pound sand.

Sarah said...

I went round and round with 2 census workers for 2 weeks. 7 visits later and its finally completed. Freaking ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Not every person responding to Jana's blog is Mormon, nor is every person Christian.
All that's being said is that most have turned in their census forms, phoned in their information and or submitted everything online, and were still visited by a census worker.
Not every census worker disrespects the person they are visiting, but there are exceptions to every group.
Such as: Census workers who hide in someone's yard, plays peeping Tom, invites themselves into someone's house, corners little children and asks questions regarding their family and neighbors, or calls peoples houses all hours of the day and night until someone becomes fed up and unplugs their phone.
Nobody likes to be harassed.
Again, not every census worker is devoid of common sense or respect.

If someone not responding to a census worker properly or at all is the worst these people are doing, then they are doing better than most.

If you are angry, and feel like venting, go for it. Post away!
Posting angry comments will only elicit more laughter, because after all, nary a person takes angry blog comments to heart.

Anonymous said...

What I am reading here is distressing. I can't believe the hostility so many have toward the government which they in turn direct toward census workers.

Did any of the census naysayers support a single payer government health care system? If you did, then you better quickly reconsider the idea that personal information isn't the government's business.

As to the Census and race, you are free to identify yourself however you choose and you can pick more than one category.

BTW children under 17 can not answer census questions.

Please just answer the door and answer the basic questions, like how many people live in your residence. This isn't a government plot. The census has been around since 1790 and is a gold mine for genealogists. So don't think your crazy answers will hurt some anonymous someone-it may be your own descendant who is baffled by one of your nutty answers and please don't let someone else provide the information for you, either, because it is likely to be wrong.

The info you supply is confidential for 72 years and is not shared with other government agencies. FYI the USCB just released the 1930 census.

ker said...

I am going to admit this in such a public forum, but I am a grown woman who has just peed her pants laughing so hard at this! Excuse me while I go take care of myself...

Anonymous said...

The 1930's census was released several years ago. For the past 6 years, I have had a copy of the 1930's census regarding my husband's family. They gave crazy answers to census workers too.(Yes, even people in the 1930's gave oddball answers to census workers. Why? They did not want to take up their work time answering personal questions regarding themselves and their family or boarders to a stranger.)

There are no comments mentioning Healthcare reform. The gov't does have all our information.

If someone fills out their census papers, etc. and are still visited, or called, they are not obliged to answer their door.
The information is already in the system. We do understand the census workers job is to "cross every t and dot every i."

Not everyone shows disrespect to census workers, and there are far greater things to be dismayed about than citizens being exhausted at the end of their day and not wanting to answer a list of already answered questions. We know that census workers are tired at the end of their day too.

Everyone is well aware of the state and shape this nation is in.

In this age of electronics and privacy does not exist, our descendants will not have a problem finding us. While all our ancestors had to provide information regarding their family was a family bible, a sheet of paper containing names and dates or drawing of a family tree, diary's word of mouth, pictures, newspapers, court papers, obits or military records.
We have the internet, court system, DMV, office of vital stats, Social Security, Employment records, adoptions records, church records, diary's/journals, schooling information, military, newspapers, pictures and the list continues to grow from there.

Saying that someone should have hurt a census worker was wrong.
But, refusing to answer the door or phone is not.
If you are dismayed about the lack of cooperation regarding census workers, your window of opportunity will be ending pretty soon. Then, you can move on and find something else to be dismayed about.
Life is too short to be taking everything and everyone seriously.

If the only reason you are concerned about the census is due to genealogy, then yes, we understand it's full of frustrations. However, there are times a good laugh is needed because even then, people did have a sense of humor and used it freely.

1stTimeMom2Ella said...

I answered the bare minimum. I didn't enter names, just gender. and the number living in the house. No race, nothing else. They don't need anything else. I'm waiting for my visit now too!

AlsoMean said...

If we dump the census, then we can also get rid of electing members of Congress to represent us based on the # of people?

Because that census takes a few precious minutes every 10 years that I just don't have, but I have to elect a member of Congress every 2 YEARS, plus primaries, and I really don't have time for that either.

It would be a huge time saver for the whole country if they just guess how many people live here. Geez, it doesn't have to be perfect!

Lissa @ MyThriftyTreasures said...

My Dad's wife is a census worker and she is JUST LIKE this worker! Are you sure you don't live in Missouri? Maybe it's a requirement for who they hire: socially unaware and mindless of boundaries.

vanilla said...

There are always humorless people who do not "get" satire, or any other form of humor, either,for that matter.

Keep 'em coming, Jana.

Anonymous said...

If "privacy no longer exists" why the concern over answering the questions? Just wondering?

Anonymous said...

Here's the reason this is distressing.

http://www.statesman.com/news/local/official-shots-fired-when-census-worker-visited-685522.html

Heather said...

Boy those two stick in the mud anonymouses before me have no sense of humor. So funny!

Rocket Ma'am said...

I had to field all the questions over the phone because they only make room for full info on 4 kids on the form.
The guy was annoyed because I was rather short with him, but he had a hard-to-understand accent (I considered asking him for his immigration info, but I was in a hurry), so I just answered "no" a bunch of times. I kept expecting him to say "we need to confirm all your social security numbers."

Anonymous said...

Why would any one worry that you would be asked for SS nos? It is not on the form or part of the census. Maybe one of the readers here will malign the writer for needless worry or "distress." But, hey we all know that won't happpen. because ad hominems are reserved for census workers.

Anonymous said...

Those are the words that could only come from a shmedrik!

E said...

Better a shmendrik, who can spell than a Yiddishe Kup.

Anonymous said...

Just because someone speaks Yiddish does not mean they are Jewish.
Slandering another faith is not only disgusting, it's tactless.
Back to the subject of census workers vs. those who don't want to be pestered.

Anonymous said...

Oy vey! So just who is doing the slandering to whom? I think all name calling is tactless, including being sly and using a seldom used Yiddish term to hide your little ad hominem. Mazel Tov.

http://www.nj.com/news/local/index.ssf/2010/05/westfield_man_arrested_for_thr.html

Anonymous said...

"Back to the subject of census workers vs. those who don't want to be pestered."

Are those who don't want to be pestered going to be the same ones who will be up in arms when their school district cuts programs b/c there are (in "real life" or "actuality") more students than what was planned for as reflected census data? Which of you erudite, intellectual women is going to come "completely undone" when your road is not paved post haste b/c your taxes were cut reflecting your crazy census data?

This is a self-defeating philosophy pointing to civil destructiveness vis-à-vis our "civilized society"!

Seriously, how hard is it to be civil, fill in some form and be done with it???? What an example of "civic duty" you are to your children and to those who look up to you with your hoity-toity behavior!

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

http://tinyurl.com/2vy72sh

Amie said...

I thought this was hilarious :) but WOW @ the uproar it has caused! lol

Anonymous said...

Dear MM,

Here is the definition of the census:

http://wordwizard.scholastic.com/dictionary/?ent_l=census

Take note of where this definition was found and if you go the website, kindly spend a few minutes reading their mission statement and credo, because your article doesn't jibe with their goals.

Since your article created an "uproar" as one reader put it, maybe you should consider why and respond. And if you can't, then you are doing a disservice to your readership.

Shell said...

LOL @ your squatters! Too funny!

There are some people I'd like to "not see" as I'm backing out of the driveway...oops!

Love your blog. No idea why I haven't found it before!

My boys might challenge your claim as the meanest mom, though.

Rocket Ma'am said...

Why would I worry about being asked about SSNs? Haven't you heard the news reports about scam artists calling to "confirm census info" or get info that "you forgot to put down?" The barely speaking English part made me even more suspicious.

Joy! said...

Oh, this was funny! I didn't think about claiming my cats as my children, although they would beg to differ. Mom!Mom!MOM!

But all the trash talking about census workers as a group rubs me the wrong way because I have a number of friends and relatives who worked with the census this year, and they are all conscientious people. They are temp workers, but most of them have done it in previous decades, so they know the drill. People will lie, harass, and try to intimidate them. Sure, census folks are trained to be persistent and as accurate as possible because some people are evasive! And/or inaccurate. But we still need the numbers.

The census numbers directly impact the amount of representation and allocation of federal funds to our states and communities. I don't necessarily want to give out my information, but I DO want my state to get every dime it's due!

Jan Russell said...

Wow, the only thing more annoying then a census worker is their anonymous family members commenting on blogs.

Why should I be ashamed to use the sense of humor God gave me?

You are hilarious, Jana! I made my husband fill out the form, and let's hope he got the job done right as I absolutely hate unexpected "guests"

Audrey Hammer said...

I never got a form, so I requested one in mid April and sent it in. Then we still got a visit from a census worker in May. I felt bad for her, so I didn't mess with her. My husband had to ask me how old all the kids were. I wonder if we'll get counted twice?

Anonymous said...

Did anyone here read about the two census workers who saved a man's life?

Probably not.

Anonymous said...

after all the rude comments, would anyone, especially jana, really care???

etiquette bitch said...

omg, LOVE IT. I found your blog b/c I'm *trying* to figure how to make them go away. I work at home (6 and 8 hour conf. calls) and they buzz constantly when I'm working, then last night, after 9 pm, during the Lakers - Celtics game! urg.

thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

I was a census worker this year, I cannot tell you how frustrating it is. I did it because I had no other way to make rent, and we had to go through a week long orientation and then sign all kinds of confidentiality paperwork.

I was harassed told it was illegal for me to ask the questions included in the forms. Every question has to be asked for each person individually, no offense is intended, we are just DOING OUR JOB. For the benefit of YOUR community.

Rachel said...

So here's the question: Do you make this stuff up? Did the lady REALLY ask you whether you were a male or a female? And did you REALLY point to your chest? And did she REALLY leave the answer blank? You are a great storyteller! This post is one of my favorites. (Hence why I went back in time to find it again to read to my husband. Hilarious.)

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