October 28, 2010
Our church's Halloween party was held last night.
Due to poor planning and a secret death wish, I decided to take my kids to a local super center during rush hour to buy a bag of Halloween candy.
The store was swamped and all of its employees were either on break or operating in slow motion, or both. Our first stop was the bathroom, where we waited seven excruciating minutes for a female employee to do her business...while humming an Usher song.
"I've gotta go real baaaad," Kellen warned, crossing his legs. There was only one stall in the women's restroom and the men's bathroom was closed for maintenance. I started to sweat profusely. Fortunately, the crisis was averted.
Things improved dramatically when I got into the checkout line. There were four people in front of me and things seemed to be moving fairly quickly, despite the fact that the cashier inspected and commented on every object that passed through her price scanner.
"I love that toothpaste!" she squealed. "I didn't know that it came in fruit flavor. I'm going to have go get some after my shift!"
"You use this toilet paper? Do you like it? I'm not satisfied with the kind that I've been using and am looking for a change."
"I go through tampons like crazy too. It's smart to buy so many boxes at one time."
Long before I reached the front of the line, I had decided that I was going to play deaf.
During the checkout process, three of my children stayed glued to my hip, their eyes fixed on the bag of candy.
"Do you think we should test the candy before the party to see if it tastes all right?" my daughter asked.
Cortlen lost interest in the candy as I pulled out my wallet. He wandered a few feet away to a large circular clothing rack positioned next to the store's exit. The rack was overflowing with adult Halloween costumes that I would rather him not see.
My son said that he was just standing next to the rack when it tipped over, spilling hundreds of pregnant nun outfits and plastic boobs onto the ground. Fellow shoppers said that he was less standing next to the rack and more hanging from it.
"Oh. My. Gosh!" I cried in horror.
"You need to watch your children more closely," said the cashier.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" asked my daughter.
"What's this?" asked Cortlen, holding up the garter belt belonging to a "sexy witch" costume.