October 28, 2010

Trick-or-Treat


Our church's Halloween party was held last night.

Due to poor planning and a secret death wish, I decided to take my kids to a local super center during rush hour to buy a bag of Halloween candy.

The store was swamped and all of its employees were either on break or operating in slow motion, or both. Our first stop was the bathroom, where we waited seven excruciating minutes for a female employee to do her business...while humming an Usher song.

"I've gotta go real baaaad," Kellen warned, crossing his legs. There was only one stall in the women's restroom and the men's bathroom was closed for maintenance. I started to sweat profusely. Fortunately, the crisis was averted.

Things improved dramatically when I got into the checkout line. There were four people in front of me and things seemed to be moving fairly quickly, despite the fact that the cashier inspected and commented on every object that passed through her price scanner.

"I love that toothpaste!" she squealed. "I didn't know that it came in fruit flavor. I'm going to have go get some after my shift!"

"You use this toilet paper? Do you like it? I'm not satisfied with the kind that I've been using and am looking for a change."

"I go through tampons like crazy too. It's smart to buy so many boxes at one time."

Long before I reached the front of the line, I had decided that I was going to play deaf.

During the checkout process, three of my children stayed glued to my hip, their eyes fixed on the bag of candy.

"Do you think we should test the candy before the party to see if it tastes all right?" my daughter asked.

Cortlen lost interest in the candy as I pulled out my wallet. He wandered a few feet away to a large circular clothing rack positioned next to the store's exit. The rack was overflowing with adult Halloween costumes that I would rather him not see.

My son said that he was just standing next to the rack when it tipped over, spilling hundreds of pregnant nun outfits and plastic boobs onto the ground. Fellow shoppers said that he was less standing next to the rack and more hanging from it.

"Oh. My. Gosh!" I cried in horror.

"You need to watch your children more closely," said the cashier.

"Can I have a piece of candy?" asked my daughter.

"What's this?" asked Cortlen, holding up the garter belt belonging to a "sexy witch" costume.

26 comments

Amelie said...

You must have been waiting for a person to appear and yell:"It's all a halloweenjoke!" And the party hadn't even started...
Love Amelie

Kari Whiting said...

i love reading your blog. it reminds me so much of my very own crazy life. i have 3 boy ages 3yrs,2yrs,and 9months. i am constantly battling with them and i often respond the same way you do and it just cracks me up to see you going through these things too. i can totally see my 2 older boys tipping over a rack at the store only i think they would take off running and laughing the other direction.

Pink Panda said...

Hee hee! The Love Actually blog recommends you buy one of those for a special Halloween night with your husband. I thought about it- for a second- and decided not so much. You never know! Maybe one of those costumes should have found your way into your cart! ;)

Hurst Family said...

I may not leave my house today for fear that a similar "joke" would be played on me. OY!

The Mama Monster said...

Oh man that is rough!!!! I have had days like that for sure and it's comforting to know that I am not alone! =)

~The Mama Monster

Heather said...

I am glad I am not the only who has to over come grocery store embarassment.
Sounds like fun!!

Catherine Dabels said...

Soooo.....you're going to be a sexy witch for Halloween then?

Christine said...

I'de like to know who came up with the idea that we all want to dress up like were heading to a Hugh Heffner party! Every year the audacity of the costumes seems to top the year before...

I'm just a girl said...

It sounds like y'all are having too much fun! I would suggest using the candy to bribe the children. I must admit I'm not one to give good advice about getting in out and out of the super center efficiently. My son shoplifted his first item weeks before he turned one!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Explaining why we should all wear Halloween masks when we leave the house with our children, it keeps the police from knowing it's us.

Sara A Broers said...

A trip to the store you will NOT forget!

crazy ramblings of a tired mom said...

Always when your in a hurry. That is the reason I try and leave the kids at home. The hubby too, cause if he saw that it would have been hey come look at this. I barley made it out of the spirit store without a $50.00 slut outfit in hand thanks to the hubby's sick mind!

Anonymous said...

You should have a reality show! Your life is parrallel to my life! Except mine happened at a gymboree, with two little girls swinging from the sale rack. So embarassing. Thank you for sharing!

the thrifty ba said...

i so needed a good laugh today! thank you!

Jenny said...

I hate when people tell me I need to watch my children more. Its usually single, non parent people. I'd like to say, "Well, its not that easy, how bout you give it a try with my children, right now, and then we'll see how that philosophy works.

Jenny said...

Where do you find the courage to leave the confines of your home?

Dalton said...

that comment from the cashier would have made me crazy - free parenting advice is not welcome, thanks hon. At least you have a sense of humor about it, and we all have those moments!

Mama Muhs said...

The cashier reminds me of the Target cashier on SNL--http://www.flicklife.com/b08456fc7f1e88812af3/SNL_Target_Skit.html

Lisa said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ywlpbrzdu60&feature=related

This will make you laugh for sure!!!

Rachel said...

Plastic boobs? Ha ha ha!

Southern Queen of the Crazies said...

Nightmare!!!!

My life is crazy too! :o)

EliB said...

It's so hard to find a modest adult halloween costume these days! I basically have to make my own every year lol.

Shannon said...

Oh my word. This is so funny! Isn't it ridiculous the plethora of "sexy" costumes out there!!?
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Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

HA! I had to explain to my son why I would not be dressing as Nurse Hot Flash ("Mommy, I'm going to be a doctor -- look there is a nurse costume for you!"). So, I've had more then my fair share of med appts, and I was not aware of the new dress codes for health care workers requiring fishnets and clear heels?

Kimberly said...

Your life is going to change dramatically when your kids are old enough to stay home alone. I would have been laughing if I was in line with you...

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