December 28, 2010

Why Do Bad Houses Happen to Good People?

If walls could talk, I'm pretty sure I would not want to hear what mine have to say.

As I was dragging a garbage bag full of dead banzai trees (another treasure left behind) to the curb this morning, I was approached by a woman walking a dog.

"Welcome to the neighborhood," the woman said with a smile.

I smiled back.

"I heard you were left with a mess," she said.

I gestured to the garage, which was brimming with treasures.

"Find anything interesting?" she asked.

"Like what?" I wanted to know. I wondered if the woman knew about the plastic fruit and perhaps wanted to buy it.

"Never mind," the woman said and shook her head.

I shrugged my shoulders and heaved the garbage bag into a trash can.

The woman couldn't take it any longer.

"The people who used to live here were swingers!" she blurted out. The woman looked visibly relieved after the announcement, like she had just passed a kidney stone.

I shook my head in disbelief. This couldn't be true. Things like this didn't really happen in the suburbs, especially one so close to the Magic Kingdom.

"They used to have parties all the time!" the woman continued. I put my fingers in my ears.

Two minutes later, I was curled in the fetal position in the hallway closet. My husband didn't answer his phone the first ten times that I called. When he did pick up, he was slightly annoyed.

"I'm in the middle of a meeting," he hissed.

"Why do bad things happen to good people?" I asked.

It's been twenty-four hours and my husband hasn't stopped laughing.

I've decided to hire an exorcist.

44 comments

CountessLaurie said...

and buy a whole lot of lysol... just sayin...

Colleen said...

Oh, dear!! Must get the carpets cleaned! :)

Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist) said...

Priceless!! LMBO

Mrs. Tuna said...

Eeeekkkk.......

Laurie said...

I honestly believe these things happen to you so that you're better able to make my day!! :)

The Mama Monster said...

Ahhhhh oh my goodness!!!!! Ewwwww!

travcat said...

Maybe some bleach too! Ick! I thought it was freaky when I found out someone had died in my house, but swingers, well!!!

Connie said...

Be glad your walls can't talk! Imagine what the kids would be telling their teachers!

Beth said...

Yep... it happens. MY neighbors are also swingers. They have a big party about 3 times a year and they always invite me and my husband. FREAKS ME OUT!!! Yuck!!

Kerrie (and Jason) said...

so.... changed the locks and sterilised the keys yet??? :)

Niki said...

I don't know about you, but I'm suddenly not feeling much compassion toward the previous family and their box of unopened bills and lost family pictures. The seeds you sow, so shall you reap; right? Perhaps that swinging energy could have been better vested in making their business thrive??? You see where I'm going with this I'm sure.

Donda said...

Maybe just a bottle of bleach....

kmcaffee said...

Blek! I now need to bleach my brain!! Poor you!

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with a little swingin between consenting adults!

Anonymous said...

,,,sure. Just would rather not know about it occurring in my house..lol

Kristi said...

Well now I dont feel quite as bad for the past owners. Plus they left a mess and well lots of things to think about. So dont feel bad for these people anymore.

I agree its good the walls cant talk the chidlrens teachers would be mortified.

Get some bleach and carpet cleaner and pray to God that no one gets the crabs:D

Julie said...

not to make you more paranoid...but I would check for hidden cameras. :)

Anonymous said...

Yikes! Hope you or the kids don't find party pictures or videos!

Wishing you and your family a wonderful 2011 full of happiness-

Cecilia

Merri Ann said...

Now the forgotten family photos take on a new meaning....

I'd be be bleaching from the ceilings down ... forget about trying to clean the carpet ... ewwww

AlsoMean said...

This information will really alter how you react when you meet someone at church who, on finding out where you live, says "Oh, I know that house, we went over there for parties!"
Still feel bad for the four kids :-(

Mommies In Orbit said...

That's funny! First time to your blog, I really like it.

Jenny said...

I think the former family needs more prayer now than I did before, especially the children ...

Mommies In Orbit said...

That's funny, good luck with your new house, I really like your blog.

Aunt Crazy said...

These things happen so that you'll have good blog material.

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

okay so really, LOVE your blog, but it's so full of good stuff I wonder sometimes if you make some of it up! Come on, that's just too funny!

Shawn said...

Nothing worse than the DNA of others...especially multiple others! I think this calls for new flooring top to bottom!

Cindy said...

We've found some treasures in our house, but not quite that much. We hear stories about the people that lived there before and we are EXTREMELY grateful we replaced ALL the flooring and repainted EVERYTHING. We've lived there for 7 months and people still ask how the house is coming along.

Lainie said...

That was our neighborhood too! All of the older residents talked about how there were swingers on the block. Hopefully it was nobody I was talking to. I'd have to go poke out my eyes.

Amy Lynn said...

Oh no! hahahaha... You poor thing. I know that the previous owners of our house were elderly and they both died, but I have no idea how other than "they were sick". I refuse to listen to any stories about them from the neighbors because in my head, they died in a hospital or nursing home, not my bedroom! lol. I agree with everyone else, lots and lots of sanitizing! ew!

Christi said...

I was super excited to find out that the people who lived in my house before me were polygamists! Wife #3 occupied this one!

Catherine Dabels said...

Relax. People have sex, it's what they do. Sometimes they do it a lot.... and with lots of people. Different people. I think it gives your house character. Good stories to tell at parties.... if you know what I mean.......

Anonymous said...

Um, who cares? Adults have sex.. big whoop! Nothing wrong with swinging!

Gail said...

Yes, that does beat my first house which I found out from the neighbors had a naked lady painted wall-to-wall in the LR which knowing thereafter unfortunately prompted me in some light settings to take note of the outline.

Making It Work Mom said...

Last year we finished our basement as a playroom for the kids. The basement had been partially finished with one small room partioned off (we tore down the wall to make a big room). We knew the previous owners had used it as an office. What we didn't realize is that they had many many many telephone lines running from the "office" and they had soundproofed the room. Things that make you go hmmmm.
I wonder if people are naturally going to assume you guys are swingers because you live in the same house - people are weird like that.

KA said...

I find it a little bit harsh here that several people have made remarks to the effect of no longer feeling very sorry for the previous owners of the house. Being confident in one's sexuality does not mean that people deserved to have a tragedy such as losing their house happen to them.

Neighborhood gossip really doesn't mean anything, and even if they had been swingers - so what? They knew what they enjoyed and liked to indulge themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

EM said...

I love your writing. It's hilarious. I don't love it when people's comments turn so mean.

Jennifer said...

awesome! At least YOUR story is a humorous one. When we moved into our house, we had a neighbor do the exact same thing to us, she kept hinting something happened in our home but would never tell us. The one day, she finally couldn't hold it in any longer and said that the couple living here split up and the woman stayed with the kids in our house and was running around "like a hussy" and one night some man kicked in the front door and raped her. She was apparently so upset, she just left with the kids and left all of her things and the animals behind. Apparently, the bank eventually took the house and it was so disgusting inside from the animals, that they had to completely gut the house and put new floors, carpeting, etc in it. And I honestly don't think I cared to know any of that information.

douberlyfamily said...

How old was this "helpful" neighbor exactly? Maybe she meant swing dancers...just sayin'...

Lindsey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindsey said...

Well, at least someone didn't die there. Under circumstances that required their spouse to spend life in jail.

Just sayin', it could be worse, right? ;)

Anonymous said...

Love your blog. You have a beautiful family. I am also a mother (one of my daughters is adopted from China as well as your sister)& I read your blog to remind myself to find humor in the trials and tribulations of raising kids..not petty gossip. I understand you probably thought it would make for a "funny/only happen to me type blog": but it reads very petty. On top of that you didn't even confirm it. I don't want this to read as though I am putting you down because you seem like an amazing person, however, I think gossip is perpetuated with the best intentions.

Lisa S said...

Most blogs I read don't leave me laughing a loud guttural laugh, the kind where one's chest is heaving from hysterics......except yours. This was funny.

Anonymous said...

your blog always makes me laugh! This post was a lil mean. I personally don't believe in swinging, but to act as if they're some kind of demons is a bit extreme. Did you really curl up in the closet? Not so mature.

Lindsey said...

If you're even still reading these comments (wouldn't blame you if you stopped, given the tone they've taken) I just wanted to share with you that when I found out about the circumstances under which the previous owners lost our house (see my comment above) I actually sat in the bathtub in our bedroom and talked to any "ghosts" that may or may not have been inhabiting the property. So, I can understand if you actually ended up in a closet. But I tended to think that was hyperbole in the first place. :)