February 25, 2011

A Modest Proposal



Yesterday one of my neighbors texted me a command: "Come over and see my back yard."

The minute I received the text, I dropped everything hurried over there as fast as could so I wouldn't miss the rabid dog/naked sunbather that was hanging out on her lawn.

When I got there, I was profoundly disappointed to discover that the only thing in the woman's backyard--besides the yard itself--was the woman.

"Didn't it turn out great?" she asked. Earlier this week, she hired a crew of landscapers to spruce up her yard.

Before I could open my mouth, she shoved her landscaper's business card into my hand.

That's when I knew that my yard was bothering more than just me.



Our house was in foreclosure when we bought it last month and the yard is a mess. We plan to do most of the work ourselves, but we need some help picking out the right kind of sod and bushes and trees for our property.

Enter Frank.

Frank lives across the street and is a retired landscape architect from New Jersey. He has helped most of the people in our subdivision with their yards. Unfortunately, he isn't taking new clients. I have done everything I can think of to make Frank like me, including saying positive things about Newark and Trenton. None of these things has made a lick of difference.

The more Frank rejects me, the more certain I am that he is destined to give me access to his contractor's discount at Home Depot.

Yesterday afternoon, I walked past Frank's house very slowly. While wearing shorts.

"That is not helpful to the cause," my husband stated matter-of-factly.

My legs are one shade above albino.

21 comments

Baylor said...

Your subject line makes me giggle. You could offer up one of your children....maybe that will sway him!

Nancy said...

Haha, u r soo funny! this made me laugh and reminded me of our yard. I swear.... :)

KS Photography said...

Think 'stomach.' Bake him something. Find out his favorite.

Babydreams2011 said...

There is nothing positive that you can say about Newark! And I know this because I used to live there and was just there 3 wks ago,LOL!! I would hate for you to see a picture of our yard then.. We bought our house in foreclosure last year and the yard looks about the same as it did when we bought it.. Maybe Frank can come to our house when he finally agrees to come to yours!

Charlie Pulsipher said...

Some people like one shade above albino...not me. I like two or three shades above.
Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

Mrs. M said...

That yard is FULL of potential! C'mon, Frank, get with it!

Chalen said...

We bought a short-sell about 18 months ago. The yard looks likes as white trash as it did when we bought it. My husband built a gigantic play house in the backyard trees right after we moved in and I added a couple fruit trees last spring and a garden area, but it's all in the back where no one can see we are trying. I think most of what we have done so far has made it look worse and probably has the neighbors worried.

My husband volunteered for an out of state project at work that promised lots of overtime. I am hoping to put the extra earnings into the yard when he gets back. I can't wait!

Tarcoulis said...

If you accent the lawn with a few fake Roman colums, some plastic fruit, a rusty old refrigerator, an engine block or two and a one-eared dog, maybe the neighbors will have a word with Frank for you.

HOA Mgr Lady said...

Maybe you can offer to trim his hair ? :)

Seth and Natalie said...

Oh yeah, those knee length shorts and whitey white legs are soo hot! (I happen to have a pair myself)

purejoy said...

i'd love to say we could blame our lack of landscaping on a foreclosure. or allergies. or a disability.

does apathy count?

frank… what's wrong with you? winter legs in springtime shorts??

maybe he just needs sunglasses… you know, for the leg-glare. might want to get him a pair… but stay away from the 3-D.
good luck with the yard!

love this blog!! genius said...

hello jana, I have never written on your blog before, but i feel I need to express my deep admiration for you (i hope this isn't creepy haha) I should probably write this is an email, but I wanted everyone else to hear what I think. I am a 20 year old girl living in australia. I stumbled across your blog somehow approximately 2 months ago while extremely bored at work (I work full time but my work load usually takes me 2 hours at most - so it's fair to say I have a lot of free time. I have now read your blog from start to finish & I have to thank you for filling my boring work days (a good two months worth) with endless laughs. you are so funny! and so weird! but please don't take offense to that; you see, I fin you even funnier because I am just like you, but a you ger version with no children! being strange is a good thing - you don't wabt to be boring & be a conformist like everyone else around you. I love that you are so strong, so honest & so funny in the process Of telling real life stories that im sure every mum could relate to - when I read your blog, I feel sorry for my mum for all the things I put her through when I was a child - everything you mention sounds so eerily familiar hahaha. anyway, the point of this is to say that I think your amazing, and a wonderful person & mother. keep up the great work, you're a superstar. when I have children I want to be just like you ;) even my boyfriend likes hearing your stories (he won't read them, but he'll listen when I read aloud) anyway congratulations on you're beautiful children, family and blog. you're great value. your new biggest fan, anais xxx

Anonymous said...

Hahaha.....great picture of your yard. :-) You can borrow my leaf blower/mulcher/ that my mom bought me for Christmas this year. I live with her you see.....can hardly wait for Spring to come so I can give them a try....ahem.

parentwin said...

I have to share this on my FB page. It's very well done! Good luck with your lawn!

Laurie said...

Almost woke up the kids laughing at this one!! I am rolling!!! We've had a big pile of mulch in our driveway for MONTHS.... just too lazy to finish the project. One of our neighbors called me, asking if she could use some for her flowers. Looks like we're not the only ones sick of looking at it!

Lin said...

Lmao...you never know, maybe 'albino' color is his thing ;)

NanaGo said...

One Shade above Albino? here in Oregon we call that Tan. The old saying goes, In Oregon we don't Tan we Rust.
But in actuality, Florida gets more inches of rain a year than Oregon. Just that your's is warmer. I lived there for 4 years, I remember.As for your lawn, give up, plant rocks, you will spend lots of $ to make it stay green and it is only for the neighbors.

Anonymous said...

We once had a neighbor who loved his plants so much that he chained them to the garage so no one would steal them.

Pam said...

Ditto on the legs!

Amy said...

Oh I am sure it isn't too bad. My dad is perhaps one - teeny, tiny, itty bitty - step above redneck so growing up our yard was pretty awful and very cluttered. Practically a hazard waiting to happen.

kalex said...

Ooh yes short shorts! I'm the 30 year-old mother of 4 and I can say with confidence that my spider veins and coolwhip colored skin only enhance the shorts!