Do You Have Alive Hair?

Last night, I got my hair cut and colored. The stylist (the same one as last time) restrained herself from commenting on my grooming habits until she pulled out the hairdryer.

"How often do you wash your hair?" she asked.

"Every day," I chirped. Experience has taught me that this is the answer that most health professionals want to hear. I say the same thing whenever I am asked how often I a) exercise b) brush my teeth c) perform breast self-exams d) drink 8 glasses of water.

The hair stylist stopped teasing my hair into a beehive. "You are going to wash this out in eight hours?" she asked incredulously.

"Probably less," I thought.
"Uh, no," I said.

Eventually I confessed and told the hair stylist about what my hair looks like when I don't wash it every twenty-four hours. The words I used are the same used to describe corpses: dead, lifeless, limp, and stinky.

The hair stylist did not buy any of it. She told me about a keratin treatment that was endowed with the power to resurrect with minimal washings. Like heroin, it would "wake my hair up" and keep it awake for up to three months. It only cost $300.

Although tempting, I turned the bargain down. The stylist was visibly disappointed and seemed a little offended that having alive hair wasn't as important to me as it was to her. I made it all better, however, by offering to set up her daughter with one of my husband's coworkers.

When I told my husband about the arrangement, he said, "Absolutely not."