September 14, 2011
If It Looks Like A Straw...
"Jimmy's cell phone started ringing in the middle of math today."
This is the first thing that my eight year-old daughter said to me when she got off the bus. Then she looked at me expectantly.
Fortunately, I know the moral of this tale and was more than happy to share it with her.
"That's why we don't bring electronics to school," I told her.
She rolled her eyes. "Noooo," she said slowly. "That's why I need a cell phone. I'm the only one in my class who doesn't have one."
I studied her carefully. "How about a mini-stapler instead?" I asked. I had just returned from Target and saw said item on sale for $1.77.
Her eyes lit up in excitement. My offer far exceeded her wildest dreams.
Just because I am a nice person, I let everyone pick out their own clearance stapler. We almost made it out of the aisle without incident when someone spotted a can of keyboard duster.
"Tee Hee!" I spun around on my heels to find one of my children squirting pressurized air into the mouths of the other two.
"Why would you do that?" I asked.
"It has a straw attached to it," Cortlen explained.
I felt compelled to ask them what they would do if I stuck a straw in the toilet bowl. "Would you drink out of it?"
They didn't see my point. But they did find my analogy funny. A little too funny, in fact, for my liking.
"You want us to drink toilet water?" Kellen could barely get it out before collapsing on the floor in a fit of giggles.
"No," I replied. "I just want you guys to use your brains."
By the time we got to the parking lot, Cortlen was in tears. "What' s up?" I asked. "Did I hurt your feelings?"
He shook his head. "It's not fair," he wailed. "Kellen and Camber got two squirts of the spray and I only got one."
I swear-I might as well just go dig a ditch and lie in it.