January 3, 2012

Rudolph the Semi-Decapitated Reindeer

Yesterday, my husband suggested that instead of driving to the nearest Redbox to return a movie that we had watched on New Year’s Eve (we are super big party animals) that we ride our bikes there instead.

“That sounds like fun,” I agreed.

“Fun” we learned very quickly, is a relative term. The event that followed was certainly more fun than getting impaled by a hot poker, but considerably less fun than just about anything else.

The minute our caravan turned out of neighborhood, Cameron started pinching my back. “OUT!” he screamed while trying to propel himself out of his bike seat. About the same time as he managed to rip off his helmet and throw it in the middle of the road, Cortlen announced that he had to urinate so bad he thought he was going to die. He pointed to a storm drain conveniently located at his feet as he made his request.

“I’m going to pretend like I didn’t hear you say that,” I replied.

Meanwhile, my daughter was doing everything in her power to hold on to the coveted spot of leader of the pack. This included recklessly weaving her bike back and forth on the sidewalk and using her body as a barricade while yelling “Get away from me!” whenever one of her brothers tried to pass her.

“Knock it off!” I growled.

In the end, no amount of sibling hostility or intimidation or parental warnings or common sense could prevent Kellen from making his move. The reward was worth the risk. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him surge ahead—off the sidewalk, around his sister, and then straight into a family of animatronic deer.



If New Year's weekend is a sign of things to come in 2012, I am in serious trouble.

One of the robotic deer was nearly decapitated.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the owners of the house weren’t at home at the time of the accident. “They’ll be back on Thursday,” a woman who was walking her dog told me.

That’s a conversation I’m looking forward to.

Not.

I didn’t know what to do, so I laid Rudolph's corpse across the people’s welcome mat. I drove by the house this morning to check for signs of life and take pictures, but much to my surprise and horror, Rudolph had mysteriously disappeared.

“Santa must have came and got him,” I told my kids as I chuckled nervously.

Seriously-I have no idea what happened to the deer and I’m kind of scared to find out.

Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. After all, his family is still alive and well.



And despite faking signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, my family is doing fine too.

****

All right friends--we need to talk...

No, I'm not breaking up with you, :) but I am going to take a break from writing for a little bit in 2012. Over the past few months, I have been struck with the urge to write beyond my blog, and in order to create the time and creative energy to do things the right way, I need to put The Meanest Mom into hibernation mode.

It makes me sad too.

Just because I won’t be invading your lives on a semi-daily basis for awhile, however, doesn’t mean that I won't miss you terribly. Writing this blog has been one of the unexpected joys in my life, in large part because of your support and encouragement. Thank you for reading my blog and sharing it with your friends and family. I love every minute of it and feel incredibly honored to have been welcomed into your life. You guys are awesome.

Will you do me a favor? If you feel so inclined, please do one or more of the following:
1. Friend me on Facebook.
2. Subscribe to my blog (see my blog sidebar for options). You will be notified electronically the next time I post.

273 comments

1 – 200 of 273   Newer›   Newest»
Renee Anne said...

But, but, but......I NEED your humor. It helps keep what little sanity I have left!

Okay, I'm joking. Kind of. As long as you come back once in awhile and say something, I think I'll survive this...

Rachel Starchman said...

Jana!! What?! I am your friend on Facebook....but your posts I will miss!!
I just posted today about our adventures in Candyland and the need for duct tape for MY mouth so I can stop suggesting "FUN" things for my kids that end in me pulling my hair out. LOL! Good luck with the new writing. I'll be patiently...err impatiently waiting your return!!
rachelmatthewstarch.blogspot.com

delilas said...

I think you are really pregnant. That is what other blogs are working through when they announce they are taking a break. I am on to you, lol. :) Either way, writing a book or having a baby is exciting stuff.

Mama's Boys said...

I'm a long-time reader and an almost-never commenter (don't take it personally--I don't comment on anyone's blogs. It drives my sister crazy :-). I will miss your posts, but I'm thrilled for you to pursue other writing. I sincerely wish you the best in this new endeavor!

Trina H

Nikki said...

I agree with these ladies - although I am not sure you are pregnant again :) If you are writing a book - do a book signing in ID so I can personally tell you just how much of a difference you make in my everyday life!?

Also - if we friend you on FB are we allowed to give you a random shout out now and again through there? I mean we haven't personally met and all and it could come across as odd and stalkerish....

Good luck!! Maybe one day I can be as Mean a Mom as you are <3

Lauren said...

I will miss you so much...

Kari M. said...

I am learning lately about things I can control and things I can't. I obviously cannot control whether you take a hiatus from your blog or not (as much as I'm inclined to try). I can only just barely manage not to throw myself on the ground in a full-on temper tantrum to rival my toddler in response to your news.

Probably my best recourse is to tell you how much it means to me to read you on a regular basis, how much I wish we were actually friends in real life (but not in any stalker-type way, I just think you're pretty cool), and how much I'll miss reading your posts. I've pared down the blogs I read on a daily basis to 4, and it was super-easy to keep you on the list.

May God bless you in your writing endeavors.

Kari

Emily Foley said...

Oh I'm going to miss you! I hope your new writing projects go well and that you come back some day.

Anonymous said...

An animatronic coyote probably ate the deer.
I'll miss your regular postings!

Liz said...

Oh man.....I hate to see you go! :( Just friended you on FB, though!

Debbie said...

Your blog has helped me survive the last 6 months... and that is exactly how old my daughter is. :) Thanks for helping Moms everywhere see the funny side of being a parent. A good laugh helps when you are ready to pull your hair out! I'll be sure to friend you on facebook and I've just subscribed to your blog. :)

Mom of 12 said...

We will all miss you! You are one of my favorite blogs to read out loud to my sweetie. Post once in a while...please?!
Sandy

Crystal said...

Will miss the frequent posts but will support you and buy any book you get published. Good luck!!!

Sheila said...

awww you will be missed

Another Piece Of Chocolate said...

Best of Luck with your new endeavors. Thanks for all the laughs. I look forward to reading more from you.

Laurie said...

As long as your "other writing" is a book we can buy someday, feel free to take a much needed break. But you will be missed. As I'm sure Rudolph will be. :)

The Fishes said...

Awwww! I look froward to your posts, although I think what will most upset me is not hearing my husband say "Is this from that meanest mom blog?" when I start reading him one of your funny stories.

Thanks for making me laugh on days when I want to pull out my hair!

The Miller Five said...

I'm going to miss your posts! Enjoy pursuing your other interests though. I wish you all the best!

kkcfortney4 said...

congrats on your writing venture, good luck, I am sure it was a hard decsion. this is a rough year for me, first my hairdresser decides to retire, and now you! I have to find new therapy options...good luck, look forward to future posts. i tried to friend you on FB but it took me directly to my FB page not yours...

Meredith said...

Nooo, I'm so sad! I'll miss your posts!! Good luck with whatever you're working on. Am friending you on FB and hoping for witty status updates :)

Anonymous said...

Awww I'm really going to miss you!

Susan said...

You are a gifted writer! I wish you the best and hope to see you on the NYT Bestseller List soon. Thanks for making me smile!

Mark, Wendy, Dale and Rose said...

Good luck with your endeavors! I shall be anxiously awaiting your return.

Anonymous said...

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (takes a breath) oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I am said...

Please tell me that the time spent will be writing a book using this same humor then perhaps...maybe I can understand. Only if we get to know the release date first, and perhaps pre-order. Otherwise I'm with the rest of these folks I don't want you to leave. :-(

becca said...

no worries! we all need blog breaks now and then! I hope you are writing a book I can buy and read someday!!?? We are friends on FB, so I look forward to your next post, whenever that may be. :) Good luck with the writing.

Christine said...

Sad...I even have my 15 year old son reading your blog but totally understandable! I cut my blogging back to once a week...and sometimes even less than that. Looking forward to the posts you will do!

Anonymous said...

I'll miss you, don't stay away too long...

Jen said...

Sadness! I so look forward to reading your blog. It's one of only two that I follow and makes me laugh, smile and generally feel like I'm not alone in the incredibly mixed emotions that parenting creates. Best wishes on your new project and I will look forward to future posts! Friending you on FB. :-)

Pam said...

Best of luck on your new writing ventures! Your frank portrayal of mothering in today's world has been both refreshing and terribly funny!

BTW, my daughter's new scooter from Santa was stolen from our yard yesterday. It made me think about your experience at the park. If only your husband was nearby to catch the perpatrator!

Tari C said...

I totally understand the need for a break, but I will miss your posts. Take care and happy writing!

Carolyn said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please say it's not true--are you just doing it for attention? Because that would be okay...we will GIVE you attention....Please just KEEP WRITING!

cancale said...

I shall miss your witty blog. Nevertheless, take all the time you need. It is your life and you have to take a pause whenever needed.

Shea said...

I really just discovered your blog in the past year and have enjoyed it very much. I am going to miss your adventures with your kiddos but seriously understand your need for other pursuits. Best of luck to you and hope to be surprised when I pop on here from time to time.

Cindy said...

I'll miss you! But I'm very curious to know what you WILL be writing while you're away.

Beckie said...

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - I don't do the facebook thing so I shall await your return with bated breath!

Savannah Sommers said...

This is most definitely my favorite blog to read, I will be so sad not to see updates very often. But good luck with your other endeavors!!

Alexis said...

Aw man - I love reading your posts!

This is big enough news to lure me out of stealth mode to tell you how much I will miss your writing. I grew up in Florida, so I have appreciated your insights on the "unique attributes" of that fine state. :D

I went ahead and friended you on facebook. I'm not quite ready to say goodbye!

Good luck with your new project, whatever it may be! You will be missed!

Vaso said...

Wow.... I will really, really, really miss your writing! I love reading your posts. Hopefully, you'll come back once in a while to write something! Good luck with everything!

Sarah said...

Ohhhhhh nooooooooo!!! This makes me so very very sad. My husband and I love taking turns reading your posts to each other aloud and falling into uncontrollable hysterics. Best part of my day.

Seriously though, good luck with your writing. You'll be missed and I'll be awaiting your return!

Kara said...

Please, say it ain't so! I need you, I need your stories, I need the bit of perspective you offer, how will I survive without you? And if the meanest mom isn't around, does that mean the spot opens up, and I might accidentally fall in? AHHHHH!!!

Wiley said...

I love this story so much that it makes me extra sad about the hiatus. Hopefully the extra writing project will produce something we can read in larger quantity! Good luck and will miss ya, but when you do show up, you'll appear in Reader.

Kyle and Alli said...

We all need breaks. I will miss your frequent posts, but hopefully you will pop in here and there with some real zingers to get me through this long winter! Happy New Year!

Wife of the Artist said...

First 'Seriously So Blessed'...and now you? What will I read in my spare time?

Lisa said...

Jana, although I will miss your daily blogging I am excited for you and for whatever you are up too next! Can't wait to hear about it at some point!!

Karen in NC said...

:-( *pouting selfishly*...my two favorite blogs are on hold now....yours and Future Blackmail. Best of luck on your book....cannot wait to read it! Sure will miss your humor!

Nicole said...

Oh my gosh how I will miss you and your insane adorable children:-) Please please please continue to record some fun stuff to share with us later-Good luck!!!!

anotherbeautifulday said...

Jana -- Yours is one of the first blogs I started to follow several years ago. (It was just after Cameron was born. My wife is a neonatal nurse, and your stories of the hospital stay were what first pulled me in.)

I always looked forward to the hilarious stories of your adventures with your wild bunch. We'll miss you. Please don't stay out on sabbatical too long.

Mike (aka thepoolman)

Kinyama said...

I reject your departure....

Michelle said...

awwwwwwwwww pouty face arms crossed

I always smile when I see a blog post in my inbox. I'll look forward to the next one...whenever it is.

The Practical Planner said...

i have just found this blog and i'm devastated you are taking a break. I hope that your new writing endeavors are in the form of something we can purchase to read. The best of luck in whatever you write and we're all here waiting whenever you're ready to tell us what you're really up to!

Jules said...

Thanks for your blog, my daughter also has Crohn's disease, but to make her life more exciting she has Diabetes too! She told me about your blog and I have been following you for some time. Just friended you on FB.

carol said...

I have enjoyed your blog so much. I am really hoping that your other writing is a book. I would buy it and read it over and over. Thank you for that laughs and the feeling that I am not alone in my crazy mothering journey. Last year I moved from Idaho, where I had lived my entire 31 years, to Texas. Your blog gave me such encouragement because you had moved to the East and then down to Florida with a family. Thanks for being a cyber friend to me in times of need! I'll miss your posts!

Janine said...

First "Seriously, so Blessed" and now you. How will I keep my sanity?Where will I get my assurance that life with kids is as crazy/funny/stressful for others as it is for me? :)
Thanks for sharing your blog for so long. I also wish you luck in your writing endeavors (and I hope it has to do with those interesting people that live inside church walls!)

GOOD LUCK!

Missy W. said...

I'm going to miss your stories. They remind me of my childhood growing up. Please don't be gone for too long, and best of luck in your new writing endeavors.

Gia said...

Hahahah a great story to end on! We'll miss you!

Lisa said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences and wonderful sense of humor with so many of us for so long! I have been reading for years and have always thought you are an amazing writer. I will definitely miss your "semi-daily" posts!!

Sylvia Harris said...

Very funny. I am a mother of 8 month trips who just got on the blog site last year. It's good to see humor is not lost.

mamajil said...

my whole family loves your blog....they always have me read it to them :) will miss your posts....will friend you on fb

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gina said...

Just wanted to tell u I'm missing your blog!

Memoirs of Me & Mine said...

I just added you on facebook and subscribed to your blog!
http://www.memoirsofmeandmine.com/

Cali Cooking Couple said...

im really sad that you are taking a break. i will just have read and re read your old posts. I am excited that you are pursing your writing. GOOD FOR YOU!! You are a writing inspiration to me.

Strollers and prams said...

Ha ha! thanks so much for this post, made me laugh a lot. I'm only sorry I've just caught on to your blog, but then again have lots of old posts of yours to read and writing in the future I hope!

Frugal Baby said...

Great post. Looking forward to future ones. Thanks for sharing.

Michelle said...

Ah I will miss your funny posts !! Best of luck and wishing you well.

MP said...

Thank you for letting us know instead of just abandoning your readers as so many others do. Thank you for all the pieces of your life that you've shared with us over the years. We'll miss you, but I'm glad you're not afraid to step out and accomplish something else. Good luck! Whatever it is...it will be incredible!

MonicaFay said...

haha found your blog and loved it. and thought you would like to read my latest blog about my meanest mom!!

http://monicafay.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/post-traumatic-childhood-lunch-disorder-ptcld/

Dee Koch said...

OMG, I just found your site and the deer story was freaking hilarious!!
http://www.ibebloggen.com/

Jenny said...

What a freaking coincidence! I just joined your blog today, only to find out you're taking a break! You can't take a break! I'm your follower now, that means you need to lead me... somewhere... Haha just kidding. Hope you have a great break!

My First Skool said...

Oh my, everyone will miss you here for sure. And that rudolph, just LoL.

I am sure it's at a better place.

Stacy said...

Sounds like fun! :)

Chinese Speech and Drama said...

WOw, I wish I can write like you

Jessalee said...

So glad I clicked through from my feed reader. (Long-time reading and a never, ever commenter, I think!) I missed this post, and it had disappeared completely. So when I realized that you hadn't posted in a while, I feared the worst until I read this. Happy you're pursuing something great!

Carole said...

Nice blog. You might like this poem about mothers. http://caroleschatter.blogspot.co.nz/2011/12/random-quotation-spot.html

Cailey & Brady Boren said...

Worst news ever... Yes I'm two months late but don't think I haven't read EVERY single post I missed while internet-less for those horrid two months!

Lisa said...

I'm so disappointed that I found this hilarious blog as you are taking a break from it! Your humor is great, I'll be checking back in hopes that you've began blogging again :)

Linda O'Connell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
prozac and pregnancy birth defects said...

Awww,poor Rudolph.

Stephanie said...

Just wanted to let you know I miss seeing your post. Hope you come back soon.

Maternity Clothing said...

You're still not back!!! I hope whatever you are pursuing is going well. Come and update us!

Melinda said...

I'm just catching up on reading blogs and was so sad to see you are on a break. I completely understand, but you will be missed. You have been so hysterical to follow on your new life in FL (I'm in Tampa so I can totally relate to the wildlife and wierdness).

Alexandra Jacobs said...

Hello,
I came across your website and found it very enjoyable. I just had a couple of questions so if you could e-mail me back that would be great!

Geri Johnson said...

Hi! I just found your blog too via some other blog that I can't remember right now. Even tho it's April I had to read this headless reindeer post cuz I thought maybe you did what I did about 23 years ago ... to my son... who was 3 or 4 at the time. I had a buffet table display set up with a Santa, sleigh and a couple of plastic reindeer for the holidays. One of the reindeer's heads became mysteriously disconnected from his body but if you were real careful you could set the head on the body just so and it would stay. Unless you bumped the table or touched it. For some reason my son was scared to death of the headless reindeer. Which struck me as insanely funny. I know, I'm demented and really really mean. But my son made the cutest funniest little screechy noises when I even reached for the headless reindeer. I couldn't resist. I tried (not very hard) to resist but I just couldn't. I am demented and mean but I don't have a blog so nobody knows - except my son. And I like to remind him about that now that he is 26 and no longer scared of headless reindeer. If I ever clean out the garage & I find that headless reindeer I will give it to him. He will throw it out. But I'll find it. And I'll put it back ... :D

Anonymous said...

Come backkkkkkkkkkk! :(

Anonymous said...

Please come back. I am suffering from withdrawl and need your regular dose of humor!

cole said...

i have not forgotten about you. please come back to the blogging world!

Sarah said...

I was just thinking that you haven't posted in a long time. I hope you're doing OK. :)

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Anonymous said...

I miss you! Hope your other project(s) is/are going well! :)

Anonymous said...

Where are you! We miss you!

SM said...

Jana, we really miss you!! I hope you are thinking of coming back soon! My days are bleak without your hilarious stories :)

Hope all is well!

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Courtney said...

Hope you come back soon!

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Liz said...

So um......are you ever coming back? You said you were taking a "break". It's been 6 months. Break over yet?

:)

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J said...

Coooooome ON! We need a fix!! It has been way too long!!!!!!

instant student said...

Since you have a new design, will there be a new blog post soon too??

Noel said...

so...seriously....are you EVER coming back? I miss you!!!!

Zoe said...

Just checked to see if you had returned yet and hoping that your blog redesign means soon!

I too took a blogging hiatus but in my case it was because of a scary person and a pregnancy. Here I am two weeks from my due date and blogging again. Crazy, I know.

Take care and looking forward to your hopeful return.

arrielle_p said...

We have like that too last Christmas! It was so beautiful during night time. Nice place where you put the reindeer.
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Tracie said...

Jana the internets are just not the same without you! When my nine year old refused to come and settle an argument last night stating he was in his "Fort of Being Alone" I laughed for a long time...and then thought I so need one of those. It reminded me of all the great moments you have shared about your parenting life and so I thought I would pop by and say hope The Meanest Mom rides again soon!

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just found your blog and its hilarious! love it! these days, definitely need a laugh...... with all the shenanigans going on with my kiddies if I don't laugh.... I'll cry.

Thanks for the entertainment and look forward going through some of your older posts.

Kari said...

I'm not even sure you're moderating comments any more. I'm not sure that you really love coupons--and if you did, you'd probably write about that comment with a great sense of humor.

You are missed.

I have a selection of blogs that I read every day--I think of them as my magazine. I have a health blog, a humor blog, a craft blog, a home improvement blog, and a religion blog. I have yet to find a really great parenting blog to replace you.

Obviously, you are irreplaceable.

Hoping that your life is going well.

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Anonymous said...

When are you coming back????? :(

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- teaching your kids how to work (trust us it is no fun in the moment, for you or for us, but we will thank you for it. Again your example is key!)

- family time (the strong relationships we enjoy now had their foundations in this. It centers us)

Edmonton Institute of Religion
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