December 22, 2008

Cortlen's Horrible Life

Life can be so cruel.

Last week, my elderly friend gave each of my children two crisp one dollar bills for Christmas. The money started burning holes in the beneficiaries' pockets the minute that the envelopes were opened, so I decided to take the eager shoppers to the local Mennonite thrift store before anyone got hurt.

Before stepping foot on the hallowed ground, I tried to persuade the newly rich to put their bills into my purse for safekeeping. I didn't get any takers.

"Then at least put your money in your pockets," I suggested.

Two children dutifully shoved their bills into their pants. The child wearing a pink dress stuck out her tongue at me. A few minutes later, a loud wail reverberated from the toy aisle.

"I can't find my money!" cried a distraught customer.
I shrugged my shoulders. "That's very sad," I said.
The customer squinted her eyes and peered suspiciously at the other shoppers.
"I think that lady stole it," she said, pointing to a woman wearing a brown floor-length dress and apron.

Cortlen spent his two dollars on a treasure that you can't find anywhere else, except for the bottom of a Happy Meal bag.

"Excellent choice," I said, examining the wind-up Ronald McDonald figurine.

Cortlen beamed..that is, until he saw Kellen's selection.
"I want that," said Cortlen, pointing at the remote controlled robot dog. "Let's trade."

Kellen, who hates confrontation and will do anything to please his siblings, would have handed the dog over to his brother if I hadn't intervened.

"Oh no you don't," I said, pulling Cortlen away from the dog.

Cortlen screamed the entire way home.

The sore loser cried even harder after I put fresh batteries in the dog and he learned that in addition to scooting clumsily along the floor, the animal could also bark.

"I want that dog so baaaaad!" he cried.

Kellen had seen his brother suffer enough. He asked me if he could give Cortlen the dog.

"Why don't we ask the dog who HE wants to live with?" I suggested.

Cortlen clapped his hands with excitement.

With the push of a button, the dog let out a loud bark.

"He picked Kellen," I translated.

Cortlen threw himself off the couch...but not before I snapped a picture.


Team Och said...

That is SO funny! I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I just gotta say you are a riot!

can-this said...

that is totally the funniest shit i have read. haha.

Helen said...

You always find such great treasures at the thrift store.

Annette Lyon said...

Life is so hard . . . *sniff* :D

Liz said...

That's hysterical!!

My daughter would have went on and on about how her toy was SO much better until my son no longer wanted his and then craved her toy..and then traded. She's already mastered reverse psychology! I have to intervene a lot too.. she's so sneaky!

Mama Lou said...

Dumb dog. He'll get his in the end.

Carey-Life in the Carpool Lane said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laughs...

Unknown said...

Maybe he should move to Australia. Plus, I also hope the apron lady gave Camber her money back. Stealing is wrong.

HW said...

Wait. You speak Robot Dog?

No wonder you're such a good mom....

You totally make me wish my kids were five again so I could try some of your tricks. Of course, at 14 and 17 they're mad at me quite a bit the way it is.

the stone fam:) said...

well i am new to your blog and last night is the first night i've read it and i haven't laughed so hard in a long time i also have 4 kids my girl who is 4 and then i have 3 boys who are 3,2, and 1 so as you can imagine a good laugh is very important so thank you so much!!!

ecuakim said...

LOL. Love it.

Nikki said...

How quick you are with the camera!

Tonya Staab said...

I don't know how many times I tell my eldest to put his money, phone, camera and every other expensive item he has into his pockets and zip them up. I've lost count of the number of cell phones, wallets and money that have mysteriously disappeared over the past couple of years.

Lisa Noel said...

Oh my gosh this sounds like it could totally have happened at our house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COuch flingin' and all.