December 19, 2008


The other night my phone rang at 8:30pm. Normally I wouldn't pick up at such an ungodly hour, but I didn't recognize the number, so of course I did.

"I have a rectal fissure!" whispered the raspy voice at the other end.

I sighed with relief. Thankfully it wasn't some weirdo calling me in the middle of the night; just a stranger with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

"Who is this?" I demanded.
The woman on the line identified herself as a friend of a friend of a friend from the community pool. I had never officially met her, but I remembered her gold lamé swimsuit. She had heard through the grapevine that I was an expert in bleeding butt ulcers and wanted to meet in person to discuss hers.

I told her to meet me in back of the local 7-11 in ten minutes. I would be wearing sunglasses and driving a black sedan.

The woman did not show up wearing her gold swimsuit, but she did look pretty darn good for just having been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease.

I complimented the woman on her appearance before telling her that Prednisone would change all of that.

"Steroids make you F-A-T," I said authoritatively. The drug also makes you grow facial hair and gives you blurred vision, adult acne and stretch marks, but I kept all of this to myself. I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

"I knew that's what you were going to say," she said, nodding solemnly. The woman was taking the news so well that I thought that she also would be receptive to my thoughts on various brands of adult diapers.

I was wrong.
"My life is OVER!" she wailed.
"That depends on how you look at it," I replied and started to giggle.

I could tell by the woman's facial expression that it wasn't a good time to ask if she wanted to sell me her swimsuit. I'm not that worried though. After two weeks on 60 milligrams, she'll change her mind.
For more information about Crohn's Disease and its sexy relatives, visit CCFA:


Stephanie said...

wow. I've never gotten a call like that. You're so lucky.

Ilana said...

I laughed from beginning to end at this post!

You ARE lucky. Sigh. Nobody EVER calls me to discuss anal fissures. I feel so unpopular.

Good luck with the swimsuit--you deserve it!

Candice said...

You evil, evil woman. I love it!!!

Adelina said...

You forgot to share the best of taking Prednisone - the sudden massive mood swings. Those are the best! lol.

Dolly said...

I can sense your in the holiday mood!

Call me Hehaw said...

Ok wait she has Crohns or anal fissures...Or do you just get them because you have crohns....I am so confused...
I am a mother of 4 under 6 with the 5th due in a you see I am in no state of understanding on my own....

BTW, I love your blog....Those days that I go to those "I have a perfect family" blogs....and lose most of my self esteem...I them head to yours to regain a few ounces back...So thanks! Keep up the good work!

Maree said...

I'd hate to live in the same house after 2 weeks of 60 mg. Did you happen to mention that it will eat the inside of her stomach? The massive mood swings are great--much better than any PMS! It's evil stuff, but we do what we must to stay alive, right? I love your blog!

Ice Cream said...

I don't know if I will ever get the phrase "bleeding butt ulcer" out of my head. Now I just need the perfect sitution to use it in. I'm thinking of using it as a cuss word or to call someone a name.

Ethington Family said...

I love to read your blog. I haven't commented in a while, because I have barely had time to read and then move on to whatever it is I'm doing. I was reading my cusin's blog and she mentioned you. I have you as one of my links, and wondered if I got her hooked. I mentioned you in my last post as well. Just letting you know- feel the love. if you want to see.

Ethington Family said...

oh how funny, she posted too.

Lissa said...

I know, I'm about a year late:) But I LOOOOVE your blog.

My husband had a kidney transplant and Prednisone is a twice daily occurrence at our house, along with an onslaught of other necessary medications. It makes his face puff up along with all the other lovely side effects you no doubt know too well and he doesn't love it but it keeps him alive. We decided long ago it was worth the trade off:)