January 7, 2010

The Squatter

Unbeknownst to me, a snow monster moved into my one-year-old's bedroom closet. It took up residence in the darkest corner of our house shortly after my children viewed the claymation holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. One of the results of this unwanted house guest's stay is that my children will not go upstairs unless every light in the house is turned on and they are accompanied by a muscular adult.

I do not qualify. My husband would be eligible if he didn't happen to be the snow monster's favorite kind of snack.

"You are no match for the Bumble," warned Kellen.

"I have a better chance against the snow monster than you," stated Cortlen.

I have tried numerous things to get rid of the imaginary beast including:
1. Serving the snow monster an eviction notice
2. Showing and discussing ad nauseum the last five minutes of the movie (when the Bumble becomes a vegan and befriends Rudolph)
3. Telling my children that our cats killed the snow monster and ate it while they were at school.

One night, I even made a Bumble stew.

"This is chicken," said Camber flatly, holding up a piece of monster meat.

The only solution to ridding my house of the snow monster, it seems, involves hand-to-hand combat.

"You want me to fight the snow monster?" I asked.


"What happens if the snow monster wins?" I wanted to know.

"Then we'll have to find a new mom," they replied and rolled their eyes, amazed that I couldn't figure out the obvious on my own.

"That's a nice thought," I answered sarcastically as I descended into the bowels of the basement to look for a box of dumbbells.

The conversation left me with the sneaking suspicion that at least half of my children are rooting for the snow monster.


Anonymous said...

So cute! Nor getting eaten I mean. Going through the process of getting rid of the Snow Monster.

My kids got very scared when I brought out the witch we have stationed at our front door for Halloween every year. So, much so that I had to put her back in the attic and they are still commenting about her presence in the home. They know she is there.

I might just have to evict her until next year so everyone will be happy!

Deanna said...

My 2 yr old is going through a "mosters" phase. I am repeatedly telling her the cats keep the monsters away- our outside cats patrol the outside of the house so no monsters can come in and the inside cats patrol the inside of the house just to make sure- plus she has a very large cat painting in her room.
She doesn't buy it and now we might have to use the Monster Go Away Spray (super sweet rose air freshener).

Sam said...

My boys had a monster problem when they were little. Absolutely nothing was working, till.... I bought a mat for under a desk chair for over carpet. The kind the has the little spikey things. We flipped it over at night in front of the door. It helped until the fear faded away!

Amanda said...

LOVE the idea of the stew, how very creative!!! I might have to try the same with my girls! However ... if you do survive the fight ~ do you think you could come take care of the one in my daughter's closet? I pay in cookies. : )

Emmy said...

So far we mostly seem to have avoided the monster problem. As long as the closets are closed they are fine.. keeping my fingers crossed.

And I am rooting for you! You can take him.

Jesus Chick said...

Have them watch the Wizard of Oz (the scene where the Wicked Witch gets melted) and then arm them with squirt bottles filled with water.

The Four Week Vegan said...

I assume you whooped Bumble butt because you lived to blog about it :)

Foursons said...

I got a clear spray bottle and filled it with water and glitter. It took care of everything that went bump in the night and gave the control back to my kiddos who sprayed to their hearts content. (And no one wanted to sleep in a wet bed so that was not an issue.)

Susan Anderson said...

You can take the dude down. HANDS down.


Michelle said...

Darn kids! :)

My Word Verification was quite appropriate for this post


Jo's girl said...

yeah we use the monster spray as well. works like a charm. except of course when one kid smuggled it in when we visited the mall and hosed every glassy window we passed by. -not very cool.

bet you have that bumble in the bag. I mean you have twins for pete's sake! he's no match.

Heidi said...

You are so funny, Jana!! I love to read your blog!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

My money is on you!

Crissie said...

Don't know if this will help...but - a friend's little girl was having nightmares and her solution was to sprinkle 'magic dust' on the floor at her doorway (magic dust - also known as baby powder in an unmarked container) apparently - nothing scary can penetrate the dust.

They can see the dust and know it's there and you can vaccuum the dust if you need to....

I always thought that guy was scary too!

Good Luck!
(www.blogbycrissie.blogspot.com via nunusplace.blogspot.com) :-)

Tessica said...

Have you reminded them that all of Bumbel's teeth were removed!

Margaret said...

LOL gotta love what kids get in there heads.

Megan said...

We are going through a similar dilema with the triplets being petrified of the fox from the Gingerbread Man book (you know, the fox who gobbles up the cookie in the end?) They are constantly telling me the fox is in the house and going to get them. I opened up the back door and pretended to shoo him out the door. Now the kids get their play broom, mop, and dustpan and pretent to shoo him away. Sadly, I think your children are a bit more intellectually sophisticated than my little 2 year olds:)

qandlequeen said...

If the monster spray and magic dust don't cure your monster problem, get a monster trap (empty diaper wipe box). Put it in the offending area (closet) with the lid open and then in the middle of the night close the lid, maybe put a sock or something inside. Then in the morning escort it to the trashcan outside. Voila, monster problem solved (hopefully)

Keeping the closet door closed is a good idea for the rest of eternity.

Sugar said...

You seriously have the BEST stories! Thanks so much for sharing. The bad hair was my absolute favorite. ha ha!

Gingerbreadmama said...

Bumbles bounce!

Angela said...

Today when I opened my Reader after being away for Christmas, and then without an internet connection while moving house...I saw all of the posts I'd missed from various parties, and contemplated hitting "Mark All as Read"...especially since regular posters like you had racked up so many in that period of time...soooo many.

But I read.
And I did not regret.
Rather, I was glad that the latest installments were stellar.

You're a keeper! :P

Karen said...

You need an exterminator. Once hired a friend of a friend to get rid of a monster in our house.

Good luck! I hope you win.

Jen said...

Have you ever read Junie B. Jones and the Monster under the Bed? One of my all time favorites.

Anonymous said...

I've done the monster spray and the cat-ate-the-monster-in-the-closet thing as well.Worked quite well. Until ONE little episode and I brought in a friend who was a Star Wars fanatic.He dressed as a Storm Trooper (he did the Star Wars parades...very authentic costume he made) and came in, blasted the 'monster' in my sons' closet with a space gun and some sort of recorded sound effects while the kids cowered in the kitchen.

Haven't had an issue since!

Good luck finding an obsessed Star Wars nut in your area, LOL:)


Kaybee said...

Simple solution. Turn up the heat in the house and then make the area damp somehow. They will think that he melted :)

Tammy said...

Get them a dog. You'd be amazed what our son isn't afraid of because he has his dog to protect him. 4 kids and a dog, no problem, right? :)

Lindsey said...

You should have the Bumble eat any unwanted toys/whatever you are dying to get rid of before you get rid of the Bumble :)

Chasing Molly said...

I'm loving that your children's monster has a name and a face. When you play along you can at least see what they see and sympathize with them. What if their idea of a monster was a kitten...how would you keep a straight face? I tried monster spray and it worked until my eldest caught me filling the monster spray bottle with colored water. Then it just wasn't as effective.

Ellie said...

Wow that was really funny!! You are more creative and patient than I am. I'm afraid I would have gotten fed up and shouted "there is no monster up there" complete with expletives. (Thus, turning me into the monster) HA!

Anonymous said...

Monsters have shown up from time to time at our house as well. My solution? I've explained that Monsters only like little children with messy rooms...and you know...IT WORKED! So I've killed 2 birds with one stone...my kids keep their rooms somewhat neat and clean and we don't have any monsters anymore!!

PS: Love your blog!!

Eric said...

All of these are great responses- however I need help. My 2 year old has no face or name assoicated with his fears. He is not even afraid of the dark. He is afraid mostly of "noise" when there is no noise then it is the closet itself. I have tried spray as well as a magical nightlight that protects- neither work. Thoughts?

Toby and Emily said...

Fortunately for you, your children are sorely mistaken. Just after Christmas the snow monster came to my house and, near as I can tell, is residing under one of 3 potential beds. He rotates between the 3, you know, to throw us off.

He made his mysterious appearance following my 7 year old discovering the show had been inadvertantly recorded during the holidays and said 7 year old watched it on our DVR just before 2009 ended. You can tell your kids he's been at my house since new year's.

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