Swimsuit Shopping

The minute we crossed over the state line into Florida, I was seized with the impulse to buy a new swimsuit.

Given the fact that my current swimsuit is older than all of my children, most of the people around me wish that I was seized with that impulse a lot earlier.

When my husband came home from work tonight, he was met at the door by his male offspring. My daughter and I were already backing down the driveway.

We headed straight to Target, where I knew that I would be guaranteed to feel matronly by wanting a suit that looks best on prepubescent teens.

Sure enough, there was a large collection of mix-and-match swimwear on the racks that fit the bill. "Find a top that goes with these bottoms," I told my daughter, holding up a pair of tankini bottoms in my size. She returned a few minutes later with a halter top with cups that could hold grapefruits. "This is all they have left," she said.

I tried it on just in case my depth perception was a little off.

It wasn't.

"You know Camber," I said, as I struggled to squirm into another suit, "I think their sizing is a little off here. I'm trying on swimsuits that are the same size as the one that I have at home and these are all way too tight."

The dressing room attendant overhead me complaining to my daughter about their excessively harsh and unforgiving dressing room lighting and suggested that I try a different swimsuit brand.

Transitioning from Mossimo to Merona is very hard.

In the end, it proved too much to bear. I had to get out of there fast. A few minutes later, we wandered into a nearby Marshalls.

"Try this one on," my daughter begged. She handed me a black and white polka dot swimsuit.

My daughter clapped her hands in joy when I came out of the dressing room. "You look just like a Dalmatian!" she screamed.

That compliment alone should have been cause enough to put the swimsuit back on the rack. However, by that point, I had decided to sacrifice fashion and quizzical stares from total strangers for comfort. The bottoms go almost up to my belly button! I have never worn something so heavenly in my entire life.


My husband almost gagged when he saw the suit.

Fortunately, I had the good sense to cut the tags off before coming in the house.