Why the Pioneers Didn't Come to Florida

It has become clear to me why most of the pioneers in the 1800s headed west instead of south.

The first reason has to do with an overabundance of aggressive black snakes in Florida.

The second has to do with the average daily temperature in the state during the month of July.

A few days ago, a thunderstorm went through our subdivision. The storm must have done something, because half of our neighbors' air conditioning systems went out at once.

Needless to say, there was much wailing in the land.

Last night, my family slept in one room, on the ground, with three box fans blowing in our faces. And we still practically sweat to death.

We don't have an air conditioning repairman, so I did what any other desperate person would do in a similar circumstance: I walked down the street and talked to the workers.

All of the air conditioning repairmen that I met were very friendly. They were so friendly in fact that it was hard to decide who was the most deserving of my life savings.

I ended up choosing the repairman with the most number of children. The winner had eight and had just impregnated his wife for the ninth time. Eddie and I became good friends in the hour that we spent together. He showed me a piece of metal the size of his thumb and told him that it could be mine for only $500.

There was some confusion about what happened next. I thought I told Eddie that I was going inside to call my husband to discuss our options. He thought I gave him the go ahead to install the part.

By the time I came back outside, the part was installed and Eddie was packing up.

"If you want, I can just take the part back out," Eddie told me when I expressed some annoyance about the situation.

I came close to having him do it. But then I remembered how much fun it was to camp inside my own house.

Maybe next time I'll pick the repairman with the least number of kids.