Don't Try This At Home

I have always wanted to try a home waxing product, so a few days ago I dug one out of the clearance bin at my local grocery store and bought it. The fact that the wax strips were made by a company that specializes in maxi pads and tampons did not deter me from purchasing them; neither did the fact that most people experiment with over-the-counter delapitories when they are 13 and at a slumber party, not over 30 and alone.

All the way home from the store, I thought about what I was going to wax first. For a very brief moment, I actually thought about following the directions on the back of the box and testing the product first on my arm or leg, but due to the fact that half of the waxing strips were M.I.A. (which explains why they were on sale), I decided that I simply couldn't afford to waste any of my precious supply on parts of my body where I prefer hair to grow as long as possible in the winter.

In the end, I went straight for the least sensitive part of my body: the armpit. The directions said to heat up the strip of wax by rubbing it in your palm for five seconds. Check. The next step was to apply the wax strip and press it firmly into place. Check. The final step was to pull off the wax strip very quickly in the opposite direction as the hair growth. Check.

The wax strips worked great, except for the fact that they didn't remove any hair on the first attempt. Or the second, third, or fourth.

While the strips failed to remove my unwanted underarm hair, they did leave behind a thick film of sticky pink wax in my armpit crevice, something for which I am profoundly grateful. I always wondered what it would be like to glue my armpits shut, and now I know. It is just as wonderful as I imagined. What is equally wonderful is realizing that the process of ungluing one's armpits is going to include a bottle of liquid soap, two cups of vegetable oil, a toothbrush, and a husband who can't understand why I would put so many wax strips on such a small square footage of skin.

Now that the swelling has gone down and my skin cells have begun to regenerate, I am plotting my next move. Instead of boycotting the wax strips, I am going to write to Carefree and ask for a lot more. When my cargo-sized shipment of free waxing strips arrives in the mail, I'll invite you all over for a slumber party and we can test these puppies out on your armpits, bikini lines, and upper lips.