The Thief in the Night

Late at night, after everyone goes to bed, I hide my kids' homework folders in strange places: underneath the seat cushions of the sofa, behind the video game console in the basement, on a pantry shelf next to the fruit snacks.

I do this because I want to ruin their lives and make them miss recess.

While I'm at it, I usually rummage through their dresser drawers and remove all of their college logo t-shirts and pants with elastic waistbands. I also leave one of their sneakers in the garage where it belongs and throw the other one into the back seat of the car.

When I have time, I scatter all of the parental permission slips that I just filled out two hours earlier onto the kitchen floor and walk over them once or twice for no apparent reason. After haplessly kicking them around for a few minutes, I crumple them into tight balls and throw them at people, or threaten to throw them at people. When I'm super bored, I leave the permission slips on the counter and bribe the cat to gnaw on their corners. If the family pet doesn't make a complete meal out of the addition and subtraction worksheets, I finish the papers off by shoving them in the shredder or burying them alive in the recycling bin.

I am a thief and a homework murderer.

Or so my kids believe.

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Anyone else accused of the same crimes?