The Best Soup Recipe in the World

This afternoon, my seven year-old son asked he could make himself a snack.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

"Something healthy," he replied.

I gave him a nod of approval.

A few minutes later, the smell of burning fuselage wafted from the kitchen.


Microwaving soup--still in the can--will do that for you.

I caught it just in time.

Our Hotel Staycation

A few weeks ago, I gave my kids pieces of paper and asked them to make lists of things they wanted to do this summer.

Most of the activities had to be crossed off immediately.

"Buying a horse is not an option," I told my daughter.

"Neither is going to Hawaii," I told my son.

"I regret to inform you that you will not be joining your friends at the $300 per week karate camp," I told my other son.

Everyone hated me until I read through all of their lists. Much to my surprise, there was a common denominator. It was a strange request, but one that fit within my budget.

This weekend, we made everyone's dreams come true. Specifically, we spent the night at the hotel down the street.

"This hotel isn't even a resort," my husband said, as we pulled into the parking lot. "It's next to the freeway and it's for business travelers."

"It has a pool and a free continental breakfast," I reminded him.

"But we have a pool and breakfast at our house," he said. The idea of staying at a hotel with children on purpose confused him.

Lest you be overcome with delusions of grandeur similar to my own, here is a brief summary of our evening's activities:

* Filled buckets with ice x 3
* Unfolded sleeper sofa and folded it back up again x 3
* Tried on complimentary shower cap x 3
* Dialed hotel operator x 1
* Fought over piece of hotel stationary and matching envelope: 20 minutes
* Fantasized over possible breakfast offerings: 40 minutes
* Rode the elevator: independently, in small groups, and all together as a family: 75 minutes
* Swam in coveted hotel swimming pool: exactly 7 minutes

It was all very special.

Hope you are having a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend.

On Wednesday afternoon, my husband and I took the kids to the Magic Kingdom. Everything was going great until Splash Mountain broke down...while we were on it.

We were deep inside the fake mountain when it happened. To our left was a large animatronic bear, singing "Zippa-dee-doo-dah." To the right was a rabbit robot wearing overalls and a straw hat.

It could have been worse. I'm not sure how, but it could have been.

After a few seconds, the person sitting next to me tapped my shoulder.

"I have to go to bathroom," he whispered.

The fact that we were floating down a fake river didn't help.

"I've gotta go super bad," he whimpered. He began crossing and uncrossing his legs.

I told him to to close his eyes and not look at the water.

Five minutes later, things began to get desperate. It wasn't a matter of if I was going to be sitting in a puddle of urine (or worse), but when.

By this point, I also wanted to punch the singing bear.

"Hang tight," I told him. "Take deep breaths. You can do this."

After five more minutes had passed, I began to giggle. There was something vaguely amusing about sitting in a hollowed out log next to a child who needed to produce one. There was also something horrifying.
"Please hurry. Please hurry. Please hurry." I hoped that God could hear me over all the singing.

After what seemed like forever, the log jam (pun intended) cleared and we were on our way again. Long story short: he made it. Thankfully.

The young man who helped us off the ride apologized for the technical difficulties. I didn't stop to chat. Instead, I picked up my son and ran.

Looking back, I am filled with sympathy for my son. The experience has left him scarred for life. Or so he claims. I also can't help but feel badly for the ride operator. I was preoccupied, but as I brushed past him, I couldn't help but notice that he was wearing khaki pants and a flannel shirt...that appeared to have been sewn together.

The Highs and Lows of Daily Life with Kids

Yesterday was the best of days and the worst of days.

Best:
I ordered a new sofa back in February. It finally came in and I love it.

Worst:
Before I could spray the sofa down with Scotchgard, one of my kids decided to eat carrots with ranch dressing on it.

I am not at a point where I can post photographs of the sofa's center seat cushion without crying. My husband insists that with enough time, and with the right combination of ingredients, the stain will come out. I have no faith and have already decided to turn my house into a museum and rope off anything that is remotely valuable.

Best:
I spent the hour before the sofa was delivered teaching my older kids how to iron their dad's dress shirts.

Worst:
One of my sons was a little overly enthusiastic about showing off his new skill. He wasn't paying attention and ran the iron over my hand. In response to the pain, I blurted out a bad word and had to forfeit my allowance for the week.

Best:
I got a summons to appear in court for the guy who pulled a gun at my kids' soccer game last month. As most of you know, one of my lifetime goals is to participate in a criminal trial, preferably not my own.

Worst:
The police officer that came to my door told me that the odds of this case going to trial are very slim. Most likely the defendant will strike a plea deal or plead guilty.

This news made me realize that in order to participate in a criminal trial, I might have to go to law school.

My husband said that my desire to be a serial student is not an option.

I Have Been Discovered

I love getting emails from PR reps. Love them! I don't know how I will entertain myself when they stop coming. Over the past few days, I've been invited to peddle organic granola bars, dog food, three addiction recovery books, X-rated silly bands, "the world's first digital golf glove," and some sort of weird can opener.

I am in need of all of these products and thus am taking the invitations very seriously.

The kinds of emails that I like best are written by PR reps who actually read my blog. Like this fellow:

Hi Jana,

I hope you had a great weekend!

My name is Mark and I'm with a promotional product company called X. We have a new custom photo mug that we know you will love.

I think this mug would look perfect with some of those great photographs that you have on your blog. Your photography talent is one of the reasons why we are reaching out to you. Would you be interested in receiving a mug for free?

If you email me a picture and text we'll design a mug for you and mail it to you in the next few days.

Thanks! I look forward to hearing from you!


I knew that it was just a matter of time until the full range of my talents was discovered.

I'm thinking seriously about starting a photography business out of my home. As soon as my awesome eight year-old camera dries out.

Currently, it's buried in a bowl of dried rice. I dropped it into the kitchen sink yesterday when I was washing dishes.

***
Days until school lets out for the summer: 9
Feeling: optimistic