September 12, 2008

Hot Mom Lingerie

Now that school is back in session, some moms in my neighborhood are looking for ways to fill the hours between 9 and 3 (or, in my case, between 9 and 11:30am). After escorting their children to the bus stop, a considerable number of these mothers stand at the end of someone's driveway and discuss the possibility of going to the gym together, that is until all of the standing exhausts someone in the group and the conversation is moved inside to a couch, and is accompanied by cups of coffee served in mugs with pictures of golden retrievers on them.

Yesterday, one of the moms decided that she needed a break from her rigid exercise routine and planned to spend the day making grape jelly, at an estimated cost of $15 per jar. I told the mom that while I was unwilling to assist in any way with the jelly making, I would be willing to sit on a bar stool in her kitchen and document for posterity's sake the number of times she cursed at the grapes, the jars, and her new grape smasher, which she recently purchased at a Pampered Chef party. She was grateful for my support and said I could come over, as long as I brought some Klondike bars with me.

Before the jelly making commenced, it was decided by unanimous vote that it would be a good idea to put the jelly in actual canning jars, rather than old pickle containers. En route to Wal-Mart, we stopped at a Mennonite thrift store, where the mom purchased a ratty Pocahontas Barbie dressed in leg warmers and a sequined mini-dress for her daughter. While she was standing in the check-out line, I sat in a chair reserved for elderly shoppers and cranky husbands.

It was from this seated position that I saw something wonderful and unexpected grazing the thrift store floor. To my great joy, my suspicions were confirmed. The object was an adult-sized footed sleeper.


"Theresa!" I screeched. "Come look at this!"

Initially Theresa was a little annoyed that she sacrificed her place in line for an article of clothing that turned out not to have any hidden dollar bills in its pockets. She changed her mind, however, when she saw that the one-piecer was decorated with an assortment of precious teddy bears dangling from crescent moons.

No words were uttered, but none were needed. We both knew a once in a lifetime find when we saw one. The price tag--$3--confirmed that we would not be leaving the store empty handed. As it turns out, a bitter game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was unnecessary: the sleeper was way too short for me, but it fit Theresa perfectly.

I sulked in the corner as Theresa made her purchase. On the way out to the car, I tried not to be a sore loser.

"You could be a baby for Halloween," I proposed.

Theresa had a much better idea. She was already on the phone with her husband.

"Hey baby," she purred into the receiver. "I got something special for you today."
Pause.
"Oh yes," she continued. "It's very sexy. I'll show you when you get home."

My mouth dropped open in awe and wonder.

"Where have you been my whole life?" I asked my new best friend as we sped toward Wal-Mart in her Toyota Sienna.

25 comments

Karen said...

Why oh why do you not live in my neighborhood?

togetherforgood said...

If you move to Iowa I'll let you borrow my footie pajamas. My husband thinks they're HAWT, let me tell you.

Marissa said...

I agree with Karen. I want you to live in my neighborhood!
In fact I shrieked with excitement the other day when I realized "THE meanest Mom" commented on MY blog the other day. I think I frightened my husband a little. He just didn't understand that I had just been brushed fame.

Janille said...

Hey in this economy, a woman's got to be a very savvy shopper to address all the needs of her family, husbands included. That phone call was pure genius - doesn't matter what she's wearing anymore.

Rachel said...

There's nothing wrong with footie pajamas...here in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, men think they're damn sexy, not to mention practical for running down to the basement to fire up!

Liz said...

I agree.... three! All neighborhoods should come equipt with their own personal "measnest mom!" I'm totally jealous!

Reese said...

Yeah, I'm with Marissa....thanks for the comment! I am so glad to know that there are others out there who share in the satirical view on life. A little laughter makes everything more bearable. You go, girl!

Triplethefunplus2 said...

I agree with everyone else. I want my own MEANEST MOM as my neighbor! I'm blessed with old retired people that mow their lawns 2x a day, instead...sigh...

D-D mom (no, that's NOT my bra size) said...

oh gosh, that is funny. I recently had a not-so-hot mom lingerie adventure. feel free to check it out:

http://www.diapersanddivinity.com/Diapers_and_Divinity/Blog/Entries/2008/9/10_I_call_it_%E2%80%9Cfugly%E2%80%9D.html

I can totally relate to that standing on the driveway after the bus thing trying to talk big about your day's plans. that's great

linda said...

hahaha. I so wish I had some of those jammies, cruise around the house, get the mail, look hot in, etc.

Elisa said...

Ok, what's the evil laugh correspondent of LOL?

That's awesome. And hilarious. In a mean kind of way. LOVE IT! :-)

Me said...

I stumbled across your blog and thought I would say Hi! I enjoy your view on life and motherhood. I anticipate visiting often, and if its okay with you..I'm adding you to my reader.

Candice said...

Fredrick's? Nah.. Vicky Secret's? No thanks.

I prefer my bedazzled adult footie jammies with some strategically placed holes throughout.. Nothing says "I love you" like that... :)

Jan Russell said...

Oh that's low. Like lower then serving a chicken foot for dinner, low.

mamajil said...

Oh my gosh this is so funny!!!
I might just have to hit a couple of thrift shops this week and see what kind of "hot momma" jammies I can find!! lol

Jana said...

Hey....who says YOU can't be the "mean mom" in your neighborhood? Every neighborhood needs at least one, in my personal opinion.

Candice: you are very naughty girl! So funny...as are all of the comments. You guys are hilarious!

Mrs. Morty said...

In the days before I was married my friend and I used to joke about how we would appear before our husband on our wedding night: Grandma print ankle length flannel nighty, "G"s under the negligee, and yes even the adult size footie jammies were mentioned a time or two. Hmm, such fond memories...

The Tobler bunch said...

I love a good tease...that was awesome! I have always wanted a one piecer. I would have so much fun with it. The many things you can do with a one piece-fotted pijama. AHAHAAAHHHHHH! Thanks for the laugh.

Bekka & Nate said...

Can I take you both home?!

Jenny said...

It's been a super crappy day here at my house. Your post brought HAPPY HAPPY tears to my eyes! You crack me up! Thank you!

Ginny said...

What the heck, all the moms in my neighborhood are total bitches. Nobody even comes out to see the kids get on the bus. I always hear people talk of this, but didn't believe it was really true, LOL.

How fun, when we move I have to move to a neighborhood like yours!

crunchiemummy said...

That is hysterical! Thanks for the chuckle!

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The Favorite Aunt said...

Just an FYI- Target has freakishly large kids ones right now- I just picked up a girls XL for myself last night- pink with skulls and hearts!

MikeNCheril said...

OK this is the best post EVER. I laughed so hard. Going back from present and catching up on all your older posts; you're hilarious and very creative with your four!