Hot Mom Lingerie

Now that school is back in session, some moms in my neighborhood are looking for ways to fill the hours between 9 and 3 (or, in my case, between 9 and 11:30am). After escorting their children to the bus stop, a considerable number of these mothers stand at the end of someone's driveway and discuss the possibility of going to the gym together, that is until all of the standing exhausts someone in the group and the conversation is moved inside to a couch, and is accompanied by cups of coffee served in mugs with pictures of golden retrievers on them.

Yesterday, one of the moms decided that she needed a break from her rigid exercise routine and planned to spend the day making grape jelly, at an estimated cost of $15 per jar. I told the mom that while I was unwilling to assist in any way with the jelly making, I would be willing to sit on a bar stool in her kitchen and document for posterity's sake the number of times she cursed at the grapes, the jars, and her new grape smasher, which she recently purchased at a Pampered Chef party. She was grateful for my support and said I could come over, as long as I brought some Klondike bars with me.

Before the jelly making commenced, it was decided by unanimous vote that it would be a good idea to put the jelly in actual canning jars, rather than old pickle containers. En route to Wal-Mart, we stopped at a Mennonite thrift store, where the mom purchased a ratty Pocahontas Barbie dressed in leg warmers and a sequined mini-dress for her daughter. While she was standing in the check-out line, I sat in a chair reserved for elderly shoppers and cranky husbands.

It was from this seated position that I saw something wonderful and unexpected grazing the thrift store floor. To my great joy, my suspicions were confirmed. The object was an adult-sized footed sleeper.

"Theresa!" I screeched. "Come look at this!"

Initially Theresa was a little annoyed that she sacrificed her place in line for an article of clothing that turned out not to have any hidden dollar bills in its pockets. She changed her mind, however, when she saw that the one-piecer was decorated with an assortment of precious teddy bears dangling from crescent moons.

No words were uttered, but none were needed. We both knew a once in a lifetime find when we saw one. The price tag--$3--confirmed that we would not be leaving the store empty handed. As it turns out, a bitter game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was unnecessary: the sleeper was way too short for me, but it fit Theresa perfectly.

I sulked in the corner as Theresa made her purchase. On the way out to the car, I tried not to be a sore loser.

"You could be a baby for Halloween," I proposed.

Theresa had a much better idea. She was already on the phone with her husband.

"Hey baby," she purred into the receiver. "I got something special for you today."
Pause.
"Oh yes," she continued. "It's very sexy. I'll show you when you get home."

My mouth dropped open in awe and wonder.

"Where have you been my whole life?" I asked my new best friend as we sped toward Wal-Mart in her Toyota Sienna.