What Not to Wear (when you're pregnant)

The moment that I laid eyes on Dorothy I knew that she was my kind of woman. In her late eighties, Dorothy is one of the oldest members of our church congregation and something of a celebrity. Whenever she enters a room, the waters part and everyone jumps up to offer her their seat. Everyone that is, except for me. I refuse to move a muscle because if I do, it will pretty much guarantee that I won't get to sit next to Dorothy, something that I aspire to do.

Despite numerous attempts to entice Dorothy to sit next to me, she hasn't taken the bait yet. In fact, Dorothy hasn't ever said more than three words to me, that is, until last Sunday when she cornered me in the hallway.

"You shouldn't be wearing those shoes when you're pregnant," she told me.
I looked down, but couldn't see my shoes, so I wasn't sure what pair she was talking about. I said a silent prayer that I wasn't wearing my zebra-print stilettos, because they are my favorite.

Before I could ask Dorothy why my shoes were unacceptable, she told me.
"You could trip and fall and crush your baby in those things," she said.
That did not sound good at all.

Perhaps Dorothy had a point. Maybe I wasn't exercising the best judgment by wearing hooker heels after 30 weeks. Still, to wear flats to church would mean that I would no longer be taller than all of the men in the congregation, save my husband, who is 6'4''. I thought long and hard about Dorothy's admonition. In the end, though, I decided that the cost of swapping out my beloved heels for a stylish pair of pregnant woman huaraches was not a price that I was willing to pay, even if it did jeopardize Junior.

As I explained to my husband in the car on the ride home, I like having men look up to me. Especially those wearing short-sleeved dress shirts, bolo ties, and braided belts.