November 4, 2008

Portrait of an Artist

Last week, some friends from my husband's work hosted a Halloween party. Tim was clearly worried that I would make the other wives look bad because he kept inviting me--and then uninviting me--to the fiesta. Three hours before the party, he was still unsure of whether or not he wanted me there. I strongly dislike social events of any kind and normally would have jumped for joy at being given an excuse not to attend one. The fact that my husband made such a big deal about me not really being welcome at the party meant, of course, that I insisted upon going.

Not only did I commit to attend the event, but I also volunteered to bring a dessert. Being the good little homemaker that I am, I made a vamped up version of my special kitty litter cake.


Tim was thrilled with my contribution to the party fare; so were several of his coworkers.
"That's disgusting," said one woman as she bit into a store-bought cupcake with glow-in-the dark orange frosting and black sprinkles.

I assumed that a cake decorated with mock cat excrement would be the crowd favorite. That prize, however, went instead to a shockingly realistic display of edible human feces.

(The top and bottom toilet seat lids are made out of paper plates. The "droppings" themselves are rice krispy treats dipped in chocolate and rolled in peanuts and/or fruity pebbles)

Needless to say, I dedicated the rest of the party to hunting down the artistic genius behind this masterpiece. To prevent everyone from thinking that I was more interested in the dessert than in them, I made a specific point to not talk about the chocolate turds right off the bat. Most of my conversations with Tim's coworkers began like this:

"Hello. I'm Jana. Nice to meet you. Did you make the toilet bowl filled with poo?"

At the time, three sentence fragments seemed a sufficient lead up to the subject that I really wanted to discuss. In hindsight, I may have benefited from a few more.

When I finally located the artist, I effusively praised the woman for her creativity, passion, and overall good taste.

"That is the most amazing thing that I have ever seen," I gushed, as my body folded into a deferential bow.

My compliments were cut short by a tug on my elbow. As my husband dragged me away from her holiness, I wiped tears of gratitude from my eyes. Most people live their entire lives and never get so close to greatness. I am indeed blessed.

20 comments

karmental said...

WOW! I thought your kitty litter cake was great, but when I saw the human turd desert displayed so beautifully in a toilet-y bowl, I had to agree that you had been outdone. My husband would be like yours when it comes to this situation. I think they're just jealous that they don't have the combination of superb social graces combined with a deep appreciation for art.

Mrs. Morty said...

That is just wrong in so many ways

MommaKiss said...

Oh my gosh. If you EVER get that recipe, I'd love to share it.
Chocolate turds. Who knew.

scrap chair potato said...

So disgusting, so funny! I am curious if anyone could bring themeselve to eat that.

Rachel said...

I really would love the recipe for the cat litter cake....having 4 cats at home, I think that I could make it very believable!

Marissa said...

LOL, seriously what is wrong with getting straight to the point? Who needs to have beat around the bush conversation when you have artistic genius in your mist.

Likes Chocolate said...

I thought the kitty litter cake was revolting but the toilet seat take the cake. Yuck!!!!!

Carrie said...

That toilet seat dessert made me gag a little.

Kamity said...

Oh my gosh. I've always loved your kitty litter cake (I can't bring myself do anything grosser than dirt 'n worms; I think you're a stud) and I'm SHOCKED you were outdone. That was truly amazing.

Ilana said...

The piece of toilet paper stuffed in the bowl is a nice touch! Truly revolting.

Bringhurst Family said...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KuaAihD4oVk/SQ0HhpH8TGI/AAAAAAAAFCI/RqWWF0XzW8c/s1600-h/earwax+on+a+swab.jpg

Have you seen this... too funny

Joel and Sara said...

Ha.

Candice said...

(singing in my best Southpark voice)

Sometimes it's nutty. Sometimes it's corny... it can be brown or greenish broooooown.

Heather said...

I have a recipe for "turds" that is always a crowd favorite--and addicting.

2 large hershey bars (with or without almonds)
1 reg tub cool whip
Vanilla wafers, crushed

Melt chocolate. Fold in cool whip. Freeze mixture for 1 hour. Roll mixture into desired shapes then roll in wafers to coat. Refrigerate before serving.

togetherforgood said...

You know, that is just really really nasty. I am amazed that such nastiness exists in edible form. She is clearly a genius.

Anonymous said...

I think I just vomitted in my mouth. She must have boys, because only a mother with boys could appreciate such fine work.

AverageMom said...

That is so very, very wrong. I "get" the kitty litter cake. I understand "worms in dirt" for dessert. But poop? Did anyone EAT that?!

Liz said...

It's Mr. Hanky desert! Hysterical!
"Hiddy Ho"

Andrea said...

Wow. Just wow. You are such a blast. My husband always says love someone for their all in all! I love your all in all!

Rochelle said...

You make my day everytime I read your blog. I am dying laughing! I have been luking for several months,BUT I had to comment on this one LOL.