February 5, 2009

Successful Parenting Tip # 234

Parents of toddlers: I know that it is hard to watch your baby grow up, but if I were you, I wouldn't get too sad. You will get your baby back when he/she turns five. I can tell you from experience that you have a lot to look forward to. The second time around is loads better than the first for a number of reasons: 1) your baby sleeps less 2) cries louder and longer 3) tells you things about his/her siblings that you don't want to hear.

"Kellen's frisbee hit me real hard and now I can't move my arm," whined one of my newborn twins yesterday. When fake sobs failed to generate the desired response, Cortlen lost all feeling in one leg and was left with no choice but make loud obnoxious noises as he dragged the left side of his body across the floor.

After listening to my son cry about non-existent injuries and the plight of child martyrs for ten minutes, I told him that if he was going to act like a baby, then I was going to treat him like one.

A laundry list of suggested punishments for his attacker forced me to retrieve a bottle and bib.

As you can see, my plan worked like a charm. Cortlen was appropriately mortified and shamed into acting his age.



29 comments

Carrie said...

You never fail to put a smile on my face!

HW said...

Yeah, the poor kid looks miserable.

Also when the teenage years hit you get to experience the terrible two's all over again. It's great fun...

WriterGrrl said...

Just wait. Soon your daughter will turn 8, and then you'll really know pain.

JAB said...

I am a new follower (got an email about the news clip).

Just wanted to let you know you and your blog were the subject of discussion at a recent mommy-gathering.

You are officially on our hero list! Keep the tough love stories coming; we are taking notes.

Anonymous said...

Ohhh ...Writergrrl 8 is easy!! wait untill 11!! I do not even know who this child is anymore! She can not possibly be mine!!! She must take after her father at that age!! lol .. Fun times they are a coming!!=)

Bugs said...

Is tip #235 what to do when that threat doesn't work? I'm stumped!!

The Heller Family said...

Kids, they can be so wonderful! I have a newly born 7 year old at the moment...and 3 year old.

Stephanie said...

My mom did that to my older sister once many years ago. She wasn't allowed to talk or to play with anything a baby couldn't play with. Mom even cut up her food for her and fed it to her on a little spoon. Since she was the oldest of five children at the time (and we were quite prone to teasing...) she was utterly mortified and hated the whole experience. She learned her lesson, but I think you might have to try something else with your little "baby." :-)

Elizabeth Cooper said...

I'm so putting you on my blog roll! You'll be my laugh for the day...every day..lol. I saw you on Babies Having Babies blog and just had to check it out!

Liz said...

I must agree, I've said it a hundred times. Babies.. no problem, I'll have 20! The pregnancy.. the birth, infants to 12 months! A blast!! But then they learn to walk, and more frightening.. TALK! Then their "personality" comes into play. What fun!
I have a soon to be 10 yr. daughter (DRAMA)..soon to be 5 yr. old son and one on the way! I applaud you, if I hadn't waited 5 years between each one, they might not have made it to ten and five! LOL

Emily Heizer said...

LOL He looks totally humiliated.
Emily
www.eheizerphotography.blogspot.com

Deb said...

My 7 year old has not yet outgrown the need to express pain, frustration, anger, or "pay attention to me" through tears and crying. Not quiet "I feel sorry for myself" crying - loud "I want the whole neighborhood to hear me and understand my grief" crying. I have very little sympathy. If crying must be done, have at it...in your room with the door and window closed...cry as long and loud as is needed! Come on down when it's over, but not before! Maybe it's helping - we used to have these episodes daily, now we are only enjoying the experience about once a week.

A said...

Look at that smirk on your son's face! I think he's inherited your sense of humor.

I am pregnant with multiples right now, and your blog is my absolute favorite mom blog. You always come up with such creative punishments - the second seating was hilarious. I'm taking notes. :)

sticky said...

How do you always know what's going on at my house?

(only it's always funnier at your house, damn you!)

How does that happen? Stinkin' five year olds...grumble...

Steph said...

He looks mortified.

You are so funny. Don't you just hate it when a punishment backfires? Kids call it "reverse parent psychology". I think they attend classes to learn it.

The Eadle Family said...

hahahaha!

Twinlinebackers said...

It must be related to the whole replaced by new baby syndrome. My 5 year olds don bibs and request sippy cups even though their one year old sister never does. My one year old thinks she's 9. One of my 5 year olds tells me all the time he wants to be a baby.

Nikki said...

I have a suggested subject for your blog:

Picture this, school is out and, like always, you arrive in the car pool line to pick up your daughter. Only today, after all the other kids are gone, yours hasn't come out of the building. You put the car in park and walk in the school only to discover that the teacher isn't in her classroom, the secretary has no clue where your daughter is, and the principle mentions that the last time he saw her she was "walking that way over a mountain of snow." You call your spouse who checks the phone and discovers a message waiting. Who could it be you wonder? A daycare worker that you have never met informing you that you daughter is at her house. When you call the daycare worker back for directions to her house, you discover that your daughter chose to walk home with a friend, and "home" was actually a daycare that was a little over 3 blocks from the school across some major roads. Once found about an hour has passed and you are livid....how to punish this??

The kicker: this is the 5th time the school has allowed this to happen!!!

granted my kid is the $%&^*#@ one who decided to do it, but still, the school has allowed it

I would love to see you post about this "hypothetical" scenario that happened last FRI

dddiva said...

I can't wait to read this when your kids hit the teens!

I have a feeling you will know exactly how and why the game support group came about.

Crystal said...

HAHA Kaila loves to pretend being a baby.

Janille said...

"Babies" don't watch regular TV or movies, nor do they get to eat "real" food (including treats or juice) and they certainly don't have friends over or email on the computer. AND - they stay where I put them and do not get to ask questions, or play with siblings, or have an opinion on anything.

It is a fate worse than death.

Ashiralynn said...

This cracks me up. My anti-toy son has become shockingly interested in the very same toys that he rejected as a baby - now that his sister can play with them.

Gina said...

Making a mental note to remember this one in 3 years....thanks.

Kelly said...

Yeah, he looks thoroughly castigated, doesn't he? I make my kids run laps around the neighborhood. The one son cries all the way there and back. Therefore all the neighbors can pity him and his horrible life while he runs.

The Dotterel said...

Looks like a great game. He'll be asking you to do that shortly, in a loud voice within earshot of the authorities. "Aw but, you let me last time mom!"

Jan Russell said...

My six year old infant has colic!

Sants said...

My seven year old did the same thing.

My teenage son came up the cure, maybe you could alter it to your situation:

I used to say, "One of these days I am going to take your whiner out and you won't like it." The mystery scared him. When that stopped working my then 13 year old son said, "Be careful. See my whiner scar? That is where mom took out my whiner."

It was the scar from his appendectomy, but it worked like a charm!

becca said...

Oh goodness. Thanks for the laugh out loud chuckle. Awesome as always.

Sheena said...

You never fail to make everyone laugh out loud, your idea is kinda funny though,Try this, if your son will play with girl toys, dress him up and treat him like a girl, that would be gender reversal, but don't worry, that would be Successful Parenting Tip #235. I'll be reading your blog as always!