March 5, 2009

Way Better Than Martha Stewart


Do you like my new table centerpiece?
Do you want to make one? Here's how:

1. Give each of your children an apple for an afternoon snack.

2. Shrug your shoulders and tell them to "take it or leave it" when they accuse you of injecting poison into the fruit, Snow White stepmother-style.

3. Go outside to get the mail while your furious offspring decide who is going to say something that they will live regret when you return.

4. When you come back inside, two of your children will have recovered from the insult of being given a healthy snack and will be eating their apples. The third child will be sitting in his chair with a smug smile on his face.

5. Ask the fruitless child, "Where is your apple?"

6. He will tell you that he ate it.

7. Ask him if he is telling the truth.

8. He will say "yes."

9. Ask him if the apple tasted good.

10. He will say that it did.

11. Dig the apple out of the trash can (it will be buried under a thick stack of unused paper towels and napkins) and act confused when you hold it up and say, "Weird?! This looks just like YOUR apple."

12. Your son will look you in the eye and tell you that he really and truly consumed his whole apple--including the stem, core, and seeds--in the 45 seconds that you were outside getting the mail.

13. Smile sweetly and retrieve a beautiful vase/cake plate/ from your kitchen closet. Position the apple atop so that looks good from all angles.

14. Leave the centerpiece in place until the apple rots or your son confesses, which ever comes first.

***
Of course YOUR kids don't throw food away when you're not looking and lie about it. But I'm sure you have at least one "friend" who has kids that do. Do tell!

Have you voted yet? If not, please consider! I appreciate all of you who have posted links on your blogs, written about it on Facebook, and spread the word to your friends. I really, really, really appreciate it.

44 comments

Liz said...

Ha, ha, ha... this happens everyday over something! The best is when my son tries to sneak it back into the frig!

Makayla said...

Hm. I particularly hate it when -- instead of putting food in the garbage -- my brothers and sister dump milk down the drain. What a waste of a perfectly good and healthy drink!

larshannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
larshannon said...

My daughter once tried to hide her dinner behind the toilet. She might have gotten away with it if she had flushed it down instead...

Blythe said...

Hahaha I love it! But I want to know... did he confess?

Jill said...

My daughter, 9 years old, has figured out that there is a disposal. grrrr

sarahandmatt said...

My daughter has a thing for hot lunch. I have a thing for saving $2.50 a day (You could go to McDonald's for that!!) Anyway, apparently the little sweetheart was telling her teacher that I didn't send her a lunch whenever she felt like eating hot lunch. Then she would dump her uneaten sack lunch in the bathroom trash when she got home. Sweet how little kids don't know who empties the trash in their own house!

InkMom said...

"G-Dog, you can't have a cookie until you have cleaned your plate."

"Okay, Mommy."

"G-Dog, by 'cleaned your plate' I didn't actually mean dumping out what's left on it and washed it in the sink. Although I'm so impressed with your housekeeping skills that I'm nearly ready to give you a cookie for that. But no. Go finish your lunch. By which I mean put it into your mouth, chew it up, swallow it, and keep it down for at least 5 minutes. Yes, I will set a timer. Go!"

The Eadle Family said...

My girls are still in high chairs, so if they don't eat it, they don't get anything else.

Jen said...

I just added the voting link to my facebook account & asked everyone to vote for your blog!!

The Mommy said...

We had liver once when I was a kid. We were also supposed to drink a glass of milk. I asked if I ate the liver, could I skip the milk? Sure. So, I spit the liver into the opaque milk. It was MY night to do dishes. SCORE!

My brother was WAAAY better at this than anyone I know until we got a dog...who would find the uneaten material wrapped in the garbage in the bathroom!

Anonymous said...

I used to throw away my asthma medicine and vitamins. My mom was super thrilled when she found that out!

Amy C.

janaemadsen said...

my daughter likes to throw things away- like shoes or really anything- but juice goes on the chair.

Likes Chocolate said...

Once my mom wanted me to eat Lima beans. I sat in my chair for over an hour because she said I had to sit there until I ate them. Finally, she went to the bathroom and I dumped them in the trash. She still doesn't know 25 years later, or she just gave up and knew that I wasn't going to eat them.

Viv said...

Thank goodness I don't have an 11 year old son that got my cell phone from my purse last night and told me he would report me for child abuse because I was witholding food from my children because I insisted that they have lemonade or water with dinner instead of soda.

I can't imagine how you must feel.

Rebecca said...

Funny you should mention this. Last week I caught my nine year old shoving his "disgusting" chicken in his mouth so that he could sneak off to the restroom and spit it out. I wonder how long he has been doing this trick.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

I want to know too--did he confess?

girlnblack77 said...

I have a child who loves milk but hates cereal, so of course we *always keep ingredients for made-from-scratch hot breakfasts in the house*. I also *never wake up late* and *insist on feeding the kids breakfast before getting my coffee*.
How a bowlful of soggy cereal, sans milk, ends up hidden under an emptied bowl in my sink three days a week is a pure mystery.

Crystal said...

LOL, Kaila is my sneaky one that does that. But.. she could care less to see it on the table.. maybe I should make her sleep with it next time until she confesses.

Sticky (not too) said...

"I already ate it, Mama. Promise"


Riiight...

Jennifer said...

Honestly, my kids haven't figured that out yet. I will say though that a few weeks ago when my 6yo had to drink a glass of water that had medicine in it I asked her if she had poured it down the sink (after seeing that the glass was empty). She said no but I swear I saw a look of awakening on her face. Dumb mommy.

Renny said...

I was the pickiest eater as a kid. Sit at the dinner table for hours by myself, go to bed hungry, eventually my mom just allowed me to eat bowls of cereal at random hours of the day so I wouldn't starve to death picky. Funny thing, I never tried any of these hiding tricks. But once, I was going to a friends house for dinner for the first time and my mom sat me down beforehand and told me I had to eat everything on my plate. I sincerely wanted to please my mom, but as it turned out, I didn't like what we were having (surprise surprise) so I only took some bread for my plate and I ate the whole slice. I felt so proud of myself for following my mom's directions. When she came to pick me up later and my friends mom told her, "She might be hungry, she didn't eat much for dinner," my mom turned into angry mom. I informed her that I ate everything on my plate, I took the bread and it was on my plate and I ate that! She explained to me that that wasn't what she had meant. I was crushed. Sincerely, I wasn't trying any trickery, and so, I was crushed.
So, its not really the same thing at all, but now that I look back at that, it was a pretty funny story. My mom didn't stay mad at me cause she saw how upset I was that I had let her down. Oh the things children think of.

wannabee free said...

I'm confused. Why would having his apple on the table bother him? Also can't understand why any kid wouldn't like apples. Although I do admit I cut my kids' into slices. The LOVE apples. The secret is, don't feed your kids for hours at a time ( there is a no snack rule in our house. you get breakfast lunch & dinner, that's it) then they are so hungry they'll eat almost anything, and if you decide they CAN have a snack ( an apple) they feel like it's the best privilege in the world.

Anonymous said...

actually, we mostly get it tossed under a chair or wrapped up in a napkin. occasionally if i'm really not paying attention we find old, unidentifiable bits of food stuffed in the back of the storage closet.

The Girl Next Door said...

hells yeah my kids have done this. Freaks them out when I "guess' that they have pulled this at lunch, too. and mine are now 16. kids never change...

MoMmA jOpLiN said...

oh the joys of chldren! my daughter lied straight to my face yesterday. She was quietly eating her happy meal in the back seat, and suddenly declares "Look mom! I ate all of my food! Just like a big girl princess!" At first I was impressed. She rarely eats ALL of her food. I then looked down to see that she had thrown ALL of her fries and 2 chicken Mcnuggets on the ground! When we got home, I made her pick them up and finish the chicken! And, she didn't get the Hello Kitty watch.

Ginger said...

My kids were like "Mikey" when it came to food. They ate everything (thankfully) from a young age. But lying-- yeah, seems to be some sort of right of passage or so they thought.

The oldest didn't lie to me until he was 16 or so. The youngest started at age 3.

She used a Crayola Marker on her bedspread. This was BEFORE they were washable (20+ years ago). It was blue. Her tongue was blue. Her lips were blue. Her fingers were blue.

I asked her if she marked on her bed. "No mommy." I asked her if she sucked on the blue marker. "No mommy." I took her to the mirror and asked her what color her tongue was --- "Bwhew". What color are your lips? --- "Bwhew"....Do you want to tell me if you had the blue marker in your mouth or not? "No mommy I didn't have the bwhew mawker in my mowff....shaking her head no...I didn't."

I stick her in front of the mirror again...now she is crying....DID YOU SCRIBBLE ON YOUR BED AND THEN SUCK ON THE BLUE MARKER???????

NO MOMMY I AM TELLING THE TRUFF!

At that point she got a spanking, her mouth washed out with soap and stood in the corner while I cleaned up her mess. She would have told you *I* was the meanest mom at that point. She didn't lie again for about 4 years and she got more of the same. The third time she told a lie she was 13 and it was the FINAL lie.

Be a consistant mean mom. We are the best kind. LOL

April said...

Hee, hee ... too funny!
I posted your link in my blogroll and my sidebar - love your blog!!

Laura - Are We Nearly There Yet Mummy? said...

I found a half eaten pear and an apple with a chunk missing which had both been put back in the fruit bowl!

I am still trying to work out which child did it as they both give me innocent smiles and point at their sibling

Beth said...

Mine always fed their food to the dog. And she COULD eat it in 45 seconds. Or less.

Cami said...

In response to comment #2 (given by my daughter....) whatever! You may not waste MILK, but you sure seem to chuck a lot of meat into that garbage can! That IS you throwing away meat, right? I realize that in response she will declare herself to be a vegetarian. To this I say: Good deal...we're having sloppy joes for dinner tonight...I hope you enjoy your bun! Lol!

girlnblack77 said...

RE: the suggestion that we make our children go hours between meals with no snacks...
My kids are still young enough not to make it that long without getting severely grumpy and taking it out on each other and me. It's self-preservation that I let them split an apple or have a spoon of peanut butter each between meals, just to get their blood-sugar level back up.

brenda in seattle said...

My kids are too young to have done such things yet but when I was a kid I used to feed my baby brother all the things that I didn't like while my step-mom was in the kitchen getting us seconds.

thetallgrl said...

I'm sad to say this brought back memories of my own childhood when I threw away a bowl of chili - WITH the glass bowl.

Dawn said...

I am new to your blog and I love it!!!!!! I have three children. They are all grown but it is really awesome that I am not the only mother in the world to pull something out of the trash to make a point. They have never forgotten that day. Thank you for being a normal mom.

Martin Radespiel said...

uuuuhhh , wer hat da am verbotenden Apfel gekostet ?

lizcooper said...

My dog poops peas because apparently my daughter really does eat them all. Funny that.

My Ice Cream Diary said...

I have this friend who has five kids. Sometimes she buys a big bag of apples and in one day the entire bag is emptied by said kids. When this happens, she might be guilty of going around gathering the naturally occuring, half eaten, slightly browning, apples that grow in the corners and under the tables of her home. She knows they grow there because they obviously didn't get there by way of her children who are honest when they say they didn't break the rule of taking an apple withouth asking first.

After gathering a load of apples almost equal to the original purchased bag of apples this friend will cut them up, boil them, puree them through a food mill, then add enough sugar and cinnamon candies to render it edible to children under the age of 30, serve it with dinner and laugh maniacally when her children finish every last drop. She says that no one else in her family thinks her trick is as cool as she does, but she doesn't care. She still laughs about it.

Amy's Blog said...

I was beginning to wonder how my 3 yr old son became such a speedy eater when I realized he was throwing food in the garbage. He was all good until the garbage can got full enough to see his "garbage" sitting in plain view on top. :)

Christen said...

That is so funny! I'm here through meredith's blog, and i'll be back! I'm finding dried up brown apples behind couches and under beds on a weekly basis that my 3 year old nibbled around and left!

Ashley Vaerst said...

I was at a neighbors for dinner one night. Her son had cauliflower to eat before he was allowed to leave the table. My friend and I were clearing the table and came back and saw his cauliflower was gone. His mother then told him he had to finish his milk. The child turned as white as the milk. He started to drink and the cauliflower appeared. He "ate" his cauliflower by putting it in his milk. I laughed so hard.

Amy said...

Jana, just found your blog through c-jane, it's hilarious! My 5 yo daughter sneaks food to the basement. Every night I go down there, load up a bus tub and bring it all back up stairs. Orange peels, cheese wrappers, boxes of cereal, an empty bag of marshmallows!

Taryn said...

I had to laugh at this. One of my kids kept bringing her lunch home from school and hiding it in her room so she wouldn't get in trouble for not eating it. She hid many lunches in various places so it took about a month to locate all the places that those horrid smells kept coming from. Blech! And of course she couldn't smell the decay until after I confronted her with the first green liquidy sandwich. lol

Audrey Hammer said...

Mine don't put their snacks in the garbage. They put food under the dining chair cushions, under couch cushions, and behind the TV. Sometimes they dump it onto the baby's plate.