April 22, 2009

Summer Fling

Should my husband decide to ever up and leave me, I take great comfort in knowing that despite my advancing age, I'm still desirable in the eyes of certain members of the opposite sex; namely, men who are in their late forties and aren't playing with a full deck.

My list of current suitors include:
1. Rodney, the supervising manager of Chipotle. On Saturday, he gave me an extra scoop of chicken after I complimented him on his handsome Southwestern-themed bollo tie.

2. Jed, the cart collector at Costco. Despite not being absolutely sure which state houses the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, he is a die-hard Tarheel fan. The last time I saw him, he shouted pleasantries about my alma mater across the parking lot. Plagued with instant remorse for cursing out a faithful customer, Jed then proceeded to abandon his collection of shopping carts and chase me down before I got to the front door. After apologizing, he offered to buy me an all-beef hot dog or slice of pizza (my choice!) from the food court.

3. Dominic, the butcher at the Italian deli. Reaching almost to my shoulder blades, Dominic is the tallest of my potential boyfriends and also the one most obsessed with my fertility. Using adjectives typically reserved for the animal products with which he works, I have overheard him describe me more than once as "good breeding stock" to his co-workers.

When I didn't see Dominic for six weeks, I thought that he had been fired or took a job with the neighborhood slaughterhouse. I was about ready to look for a new beau when out of nowhere Dominic suddenly reappeared.

"You've probably been wondering where I've been," Dominic said, as he sliced my turkey. I really didn't want to know where Dominic spends his time outside the deli, but he felt compelled to tell me--and the long line of customers standing behind me--anyway.

"I was in jail," he said, giggling. "Now I'm on house arrest. I'm allowed to go to work and that's it."
"Where were you at?" asked the man standing behind me. After comparing notes, the two men figured out that they had an incarcerated friend in common.

Before handing me my bag of sliced turkey, Dominic told me that he had been arrested for a DUI. He described his arrest, his court date, and his jail term as if they were rides at an amusement park. He ended his tale with a flattering proposal. "If you want to go on a date with me," he said with a knowing wink, "You'll have to drive because my license is revoked...again!"

I turned down the invitation on the grounds that next to mass murderers, drunk drivers are my least favorite group of people.

When I returned home, I crossed Dominic's name off my "Summer Fling" list.

"Down one already?" my husband observed with a wry smile.

I was in no mood for his mockery. After my husband left the room, I began mourning my loss.

A good man is hard to find.

59 comments

krystal.hayward said...

Bwahahaaa!!! How funny! You just gave me great motivation to make my own list!

shel7by said...

thank you for making me laugh every day.

Kelly said...

Hilarious! Good luck in your search.

Proud Momma said...

You are hilarious! Thanks for the great blog each day!

April said...

I feel your pain. My husband jokes that we are the only people he knows with a pool boy and no pool :) Of course, we have neither.

kimert said...

Ha ha ha ha!! Thanks for the laugh. :)

Robin said...

That is HILARIOUS!!!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I think it's a good thing that my list (like yours) is a collection of some seriously lacking individuals. Nothing like a good dose of the "fish in the sea" to make you appreciate what you've got.

Love your humor, Jana, love it!

Austin and Ashtyn said...

I just found your blog from a friend that posted about your giveaway and I am so happy! Your brilliant and I cant wait for all your posts to come! Thanks for making us laugh

3 Little Snaps said...

Hmmm since I am obsessed with Costco I say go with the cart guy :)
Love it!

Kadi said...

My husband is always thanking other men for making him look so much better to me! Thank goodness the good men are already taken...by us!

3 Little Snaps said...

BTW you inspired me to make my own list of hopefuls for the summer on my blog..hope that you don't mind me taking your idea..I am linking back to your blog!

Olivia Singleton said...

I'm so glad someone can sympathize with the quality of people to date these days. (I know you're completely kidding about your spring fling list, but I'm so totally not.) I had a potential suitor tell me he hadn't smoked pot in a very long time. Well, until recently. But that should count right?

Oh the humanity.

Kandis said...

HAAAAAAAA! That's funny! Thanks for the giggle!

Jill said...

Too funny!!!

Alicia said...

Too funny! Happy Hunting!

Post-it Note said...

I think I've finally been out of high school long enough to laugh at your list. Before I found my husband it was rather depressing though...

Angela said...

LOLOL THIS was a good one! Thanks for the laugh. =)

Amber said...

I laughed so hard reading this! Your list makes the small, south-of-the border men that oogle me at the gym look GOOD!

Sticky (not too) said...

My hubby mocks my eerie attractiveness to older men (ok, really, really OLDer men)

I can't help it and I'm constantly in mourning when they "pass".

Men are so insensitive...

Chelle said...

Oh my goodness! I love your humor! I was going to write I just LOVE you, but thought differently. I thought I might end up on your list of "choice" summer flings. ;-)

You always make me giggle and I love to read your blog.

Vee said...

You crack me up. you are so great.

April said...

Okay the fact that your hubby can see your fling list and comments on it, is way too funny! Ha, ha!!

Chris in NY said...

Is it wrong that my list includes Zac Efron? WHAT?! He's only 14 years younger than me!

Jean said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I cannot stop laughing. So sorry that Dominic is off the list. He was a good one. :-)

Blessings of Health and Prosperity said...

When you've got it, you've got it! Blessings, Celene

Hope said...

LOL! This blog is truly my daily laugh....simply hilarious!

Lisa Loo said...

I don't comment all the time--and quite frankly I don't think you lose sleep over that--BUT---I LOVE YOUR BLOG and your sense of humor AND your writing skills A-N-D your approach to parenting!!!!

Krystal said...

The one and only person on my summer fling list is Johnny Depp, but only if he's in his pirate costume.

Hey, a woman can dream!

Anonymous said...

Heh, yeah, I'm popular with gardners and janitors.

-Janet in California

Jan Russell said...

Well, that no good two timer! I'll bet it was the same Chipolte manager that gave me free tacos last summer when I wore my McPalin t-shirt!

I've had some pretty decent luck with the men at CVS. Recently I was hit on while buying a box of Early Response pregnancy tests. Nice!

amysue said...

Hilarious!!!!! I have a similar friend, he is the guy at the McDonalds drive through. His name is Zach and he sees me at least 3 times a day. I go there to get my 3 yr. old pancakes in the morning after dropping off my two teenagers at school. I go there after lunch for a large beverage, then one more trip after picking up my kids to get them a ice cream cone or whatever. He sees me transform everyday. The first time I am in my PJ's, then next time I am dressed with hair sometimes done, then in the afternoon I look like crap again and am ready to kill my two teenagers and my 3 yr. old. I thing he "likes" me cause he always refers to me by name and says, "it's good to see you again.' I wonder if he has better insurance benefits than my husband? Something to think about!!!!!

Beth said...

Funny, funny. Especially #2, as I reside in NC and live surrounded by the crazy college loyalties. I have no favorite college as I am holding out to become a crazed fan of whichever university is willing to let my 4 kids attend for free.

Melinda said...

Dude I love it when I hear a horn honking when I'm walking down the street and then a nice "Eehhh Mamacita!!" out the window. Boosts my self-esteem way up!
Too funny, loved this!

Dress Like Jane said...

wow! you are such an awesome writer. You should honestly think about compiling your entries into a book=)

Marci said...

LOL! Fabulous !!!

Anonymous said...

I don't really have my own list but in my own morbid times when I have a flash of thought of if I am ever alone and need some company... there is always that guy in the diner that gives me a wink and a hey there sweetie that wouldn't seem a little perverted if he wasn't as old as my dad.

April said...

When things like that happen to me I don't know whether to be happy or sad...

LaRae said...

My daughters, ages 28 and 23, are both unmarried and are still fishing for a good fish! It's not easy so hang on if you have a good one!

Brenda said...

At least you have back-up, even if they are way less than desirable. I don't think a man has looked at me for at least 15 years. Sure I'm married and shouldn't care, but it's nice to be able to turn heads every once in a while.

Matt said...

Good luck in your search!
But I've gotta go off on a tangent right now. He was busted for DUI and he's on house arrest? It better have only been his first offense (not that it's excusable at all!). If he ever gets busted for it again he should go to prison for a long time.

Normally I wouldn't be so militant about this. But yesterday morning I received word that one of my good friends and his mother were killed in a car crash caused by a drunk driver. The drunk ran a red light and plowed into their car at more than 70 mph, killing them both. Then the drunk ran off.

Brooke said...

Nothing says love like getting a letter stamped with, "INMATE MAIL" all over the envelope.
(I had a roommate in college that had a boyfriend go to jail. She always got a letter on Monday, Wednesday's, and Fridays... Apparently at that institution you couldn't send mail on Tuesdays and Thursdays.)

Thanks for the laugh!!!

MommyAmy said...

LOL.... omg... you are too funny!

Reminds me of why I no longer frequent the local Safeway and drive a farther distance... because the Safeway assistant manager kept following me around the store and making up reasons to talk to me. lol

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Too funny. I think my produce man has a thing for me. He always saves me the good stuff in the back.

Rocket Ma'am said...

I'm reminded of the total dork in my college freshman math class. He grinned stupidly at me from across the room for an hour 4x a week, and every day his eyes would light up as I walked into class, and he would say hi and ask one of 3 questions- "How has your day been?" "So are you going on the spring retreat?" and/or "How are you today?" I avoided him as much as possible and thought I had never met a bigger geek.

I married him.

At least he doesn't slice deli meat and wear an ankle bracelet, eh?

Bethany said...

How funny!! I hope you can find someone to replace Dominic, it doesn't sound like he's the best summer fling fit for you ;)

mama mogantosh said...

When I ran a cafe with my mum and sister Sam, we all had customer-boyfriends. Sam had Trevor the arkward, lonely milkman, my mum had Sean who lived in a garage, invented board games and once told Mum 'If you were my wife, you'd fart through silk.' My deep-sea fisherman was the best, although he only had one arm. They were good times.

I really like your blog - thanks for the laughs.

XRachael

Alisha said...

That's awesome! lol.

I agree with you ... after murderers and rapist, drunk drivers are the worst.

Kira said...

There is a great guy that cleans the windows at our rec center. I could send you a pic. He would be great to fill your list back up.
P.S. It only LOOKS like he has 3 ears.

Melanie said...

What you only have a small list?? I have a whole hockey team!! LOL

brossettelewis said...

I'm so glad you have a list too. Mine's short too but they are all keepers. Sorry for your loss.

PS: Go for the Costco guy. He sounds HOTT...not that I have an unhealthy crush on Costco.

the girls of gt said...

I am still LMAO! That is so dang funny!

Nicole Benitez, Quantico, VA said...

You are hilarious. I look forward to your blog daily.

Marissa said...

Thank you again! This is why you continue to be my hero. :)

Twinlinebackers said...

I would really really really like our husbands to meet.

Tracy said...

My mother-in-law comes to our house every Thursday and Friday to visit the grandkids. She is recovering from Brain Cancer. We read your post and discuss it throughout her visit (to healp with her memory). We really enjoy your stories. The swimsuit and summer fling is so far our favorite. Feel free to view my blog as well Patterson Press.

hansenfive said...

that's comedy. lol. now you have me thinking who my possibles are. but most importantly i need to figure out how to get that extra scoup of chicken since i'm sick of paying for it for my husband.

SoBella Creations said...

I just found your blog via a SITS girl. Thanks for the Laugh.

Sarah said...

I haven't had any drunken convicts hit on me. What am I doing wrong?