August 28, 2009

Here comes Ms. Crohn’s Disease AKA Becky AKA Miss Congeniality.

Ms. Crohn's Disease, who suffers from medication-related mood swings, bares teeth at announcer and growls.

Announcer: We are nearing the end of the competition and it is now time for the contestants to answer questions from the judges.

Judge 1: "What are the physical benefits of your disease?"

Ms. Crohn's Disease: "That's easy! I get to eat all the unhealthy crap that I want and I will still stay skinny because my body won't absorb it anyway! Now don't get me wrong! My weight does fluctuate drastically at times, so I get to have several wardrobes of clothing! It comes in three sizes: normal, flare-up, and Prednisone! Oh! And did you notice my skin? One of the side effects of one of my medications (don't ask me which one!!!) causes me to break out in hives if I spend too much time out in the sun. That--coupled with the fact that I am always anemic and have super pale skin--makes people suspect that I am a....

(but not a hot one)

Judge 2: "That is all wonderful to hear! Now tell us about the mental benefits of Crohn's Disease!"

Ms. Crohn's Disease: "Speaking of Predinose, that is one amazing drug! Because I can never sleep, my house is spotless and DON'T YOU DARE MESS IT UP!!!!!!! Oops! Sorry about my mood swings-it goes with the territory! I would like to say a special thanks to my hubby and kids for dealing with me on steroids...LOVE YOU!

Judge 3: "And the social benefits?"

Ms. Crohn's Disease sighs: "There are just too many to count. If I had to pick just one it would be the number of friends I've met at the pharmacy. I'm on 11 different meds so I'm always there!!! I also want to give a big shout out to all of the store owners who let me use their private bathrooms after I flush my self-esteem down the toilet (pun intended) by crying and jumping up and down and telling them that I can't make home without visiting the porcelain goddess!! Double LOVE YA!"

Judge 2: "Finally, what makes Crohn's Disease the sexiest autoimmune disease on the planet?"

Ms. Crohn's Disease holds up the following picture:

Ms. Crohn's Disease: "I rest my case."


TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

(but not a hot one)--Hilarious!!
Don't tell any preteens that all you have to do is get Chrohn's Disease to become a vampire. Sexy AND a vampire? Seriously. Who can compete with that?

Scrapingirl said...

My SIL has crohn's, and it's truly a sexy disease. And I love traveling with her. A 2 hour drive turns into a four drive, with all the potty breaks. Super fun. Ms. Crohns has my vote!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm IN the pageant and I kind of want to vote for Ms. Crohn's Disease. You rock. :)

Amy said...

As a fellow Crohn's girl - I have to vote for you. The predisone moon face and acne is so attractive! Who can compete with that?

Anonymous said...

Ok, maybe this will sound stupid but what is that last picture a picture of?

Anonymous said...

I do believe that is a picture of the colostomy bag you get to use once you've lost your colon! My dad had one (not Chrohn's but ulcerative colitis, also lots of fun). You tape it to your body and pour it down the crapper once it fills up. Just be careful to empty it before it gets too full, or it will explode. That is TOTALLY sexy, by the way.

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

Please don't forget to add a link to "Paper Underpants."


Kira said...

She def has my vote! My auntie has chrohns disease and she is just hilarious! But after reading your blog I'm starting to think it might be a side effect!

Melinda said...

As a proud Crohn's woman, I totally think it's the sexiest! (And my hubby will get a kick out of reading this!)