Our next contender for the title of Ms. Chronic Disease of America is none other than
[today’s post was written by Ms. Lupus AKA Aimee]
Welcome Everyone to the Ms. Chronic Disease of America E-pageant - I'm Shelly, and I'm Bob and we are here to celebrate the women of Chronic Disease!
Bob: Welcome everyone, Ms. Lupus! (Everyone cheers, I walk out doing a half-a-wave because my right wrist is beginning to fuse from swelling and joint tissue damage.)
Shelly: Ms. Lupus has suffered from her autoimmune disease for approximately (wait let me add it up, the brain fog makes it hard to do simple math 33-19=14, no,yes) fourteen years. Aimee was finally correctly diagnosed with Lupus two years ago after seeing no less than two dozen doctors who misdiagnosed her with everything from Multiple Sclerosis and brain tumors to Seizure disorder and Heart Arrhythmia. Aimee is a loving wife and mother of two, count them, two miracle children. Although Ms. Lupus has suffered nearly every facet of the disease from seizures and limb dysfunction, multiple miscarriages (four), and scarring on her kidneys and lungs she says that the chronic diarrhea, daily migraines, and the loss of her voice are her favorite symptoms.
Bob: Ms. Lupus affectionately refers to her Lupus as "My Monster". "I call it 'My monster' because it is devouring my body from the inside out."says Ms. Lupus Her favorite past times include taking naps to help with the complete exhaustion and paying off her mounting medical bills.
Bob: Ms. Lupus - a classically trained vocalist - was going to sing "Adele's Laughing Song" from "Die Fledermaus" but unfortunately she has lost her voice again this evening. No matter, Ms. Lupus will entertain us instead with her imitation of an actual bat - Squeak, Squeak, Squeak And big finish SQUEEEAAAK!!
Shelly: Ah, yes, Thank you Ms. Lupus.
Evening Gown Competition:
Bob: And now for the evening gown competition. As a reminder to our audience, the evening gown competition is designed to show our contestants' grace, poise, and beauty.
Shelly: Aahhh, here is Ms. Lupus dressed in a full-length figure-hugging evening gown. Perhaps not her best choice seeing those 80 lbs she has put on over the past four years, what do you think, Bob?
Bob: Yes, we can definitely see that Ms. Lupus has packed on quite a few pounds but as you know those with Lupus generally either lose a lot of weight or gain a lot of weight. I'm afraid this year's Ms. Lupus is definitely on the 'plus size' of that spectrum. Aha, Aha. No seriously though, she does walk quite beautifully and effortlessly down the isle though, and.... no. She has fallen over and it appears she cannot get up. Yes? No? It looks like she is attempting to get back up. What do you think could have made her fall, Shelly?
Shelly: Well, Bob, persons with lupus can have dizziness and sudden extreme fatigue sweep over them at any moment and it appears that this may be the case with this contestant. Either that or she has lost all feeling in her toes again. One never can tell.
Bob: Ooh, that's too bad.
And now for our final portion of tonight's pageant - The Interview Competition Bob: Ms. Lupus - Why is Lupus so dang sexy? cough cough, glug glug (as I drink two glasses of water to combat the permadry mouth)
Well, Bob, aside from the obvious air of sexiness that my horse voice creates (which sounds like something similar to smoker's hack, although I've never smoked in my life) I'd say that Lupus is dang sexy because the symptoms vary so much, it keeps me guessing, and we all know how sexy an aura of mystery can be.
Shelly: Ms. Lupus, Your final Interview Question is: If crowned with the title Ms. Chronic Disease of America what will your platform be and what will you do with your title?
Huh? I'm sorry, I can't concentrate for extended periods of time. Were you speaking to me?