I'm pleased to introduce you to the next contestant in the Ms. Chronic Disease of America Pageant...
(Still shot of Ms. Diabetes flashes across the big screen)
Uh, sadly, Ms. Diabetes can’t be here in person at the moment. Her blood sugars are “off” and she is backstage “shooting up.”
(no one chuckles at my hilarious joke)
Um, while we are waiting for her return, let’s take a look at Ms. Diabetes’ submission letter.
(the following letter, composed by Ms. Diabetes, appears on the screen)
To: The Ms. Chronic Disease Pageant Committee
As you stated in your call for pageant entrants, there is so much more to the world of pageantry than beauty, swimsuits, and a great smile. The essay submission, is, I feel, the defining moment of a truly worthy winner. It's not just for college applications anymore! Here is a glimpse into my charmed life.....
As a young lady--age 16, to be exact--I had the fortunate experience of being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. While other girls my age were dreaming of boys, clothes, and makeup, I was hiding in the bathroom, checking my blood sugar and giving myself insulin injections!!!!
(insert high cheer kick and spirit fingers)
Now, before you say that it wouldn’t be fair for me to win this pageant because I’ve already won the Diabetes lottery, let me tell you why my disease is so amazingly, unbelievably, and undeniably sexy.
In addition to being blessed with circulation problems that will probably cause me to lose one or more extremities during my life, I’ve also been fortunate enough to acquire several disease-related food allergies!!! My friends and family love LOVE love going out to eat with me because I’m super easy to accommodate. Included on the long list of foods that my body can’t tolerate (cookies, cakes, candy, soda, fruit juice) are super weird things like nuts, berries, and RICE. Basically, the only things I can eat without throwing my body into a diabetic coma or anaphalytic shock are cheese whiz and white bread…It’s a good thing both of those things are so healthy for you!!!!
Shortly after being diagnosed with Diabetes, I also acquired another autoimmune disease—Eczema!!! Having scaly bumps all over your body is really fun (and attractive) and what’s more, makes for good dinner party conversation.
Overhead at a recent party at my husband’s work:
“Uh…Bob, Did you see those oozing bumps on that woman’s hands?”
In addition to Diabetes, I also suffer from INFERTILITY! After spending several years getting my diabetes under control so that we could start trying to have a family, I went to a fertility specialist, where I got some awesome news. The doctor told me that under “no circumstances would I ever be able to conceive!!!”
I was, of course, elated to hear this news.
Infertility NEVER goes away and it is a constant thorn in my side and ache in my heart. If it’s not a chronic disease, I don't know what is!
Yours, with all the hope of winning this glorious award,