August 24, 2009

Welcome to the first annual


(insert parade of contestants marching in circles on stage to a B-list cover band)

I want to thank the oodles of women and men (yes, there were several) who entered this pageant. I received buttloads (to use an appropriate IBS pun) of entries…so many in fact that I was forced to solicit the help of my best friend and fellow invalid AMY H. of Dallas, Texas to help me read through all the submissions and determine the finalists.

(applause and sighs of gratitude)

Aren’t these ladies beautiful?

(gesture to contestants, many of whom are doubled over in pain, wearing diapers, and are thirty pounds over/underweight thanks to their medications)

The women standing before you come from all over the U.S. and represent some the sexiest and most drug resilient chronic illnesses on the planet!!!!!

(more inappropriate applause and still shots of contestants who are way too cute/high-functioning to make it into the finals)

While every one of these ladies and gents clearly deserves the Crown, sadly, there can only be one Ms. Chronic Disease of America.

(fake tears)

What do you say? Shall we get on with the competition?

Each day this week, I’ll introduce you to one of the finalists. She’ll tell you in her own words why she deserves this highly coveted title. Take notes because at the end of the week, you’ll be asked to VOTE for your favorite!!!!

Without further ado, please welcome our first contestant in the interview portion of the competition to the stage….



(Ms. POS (AKA Jennifer of Texas) hobbles to center stage and draws a piece of paper from a clear glass bowl).

“Congratulations! You will have the privilege of being interviewed today by the Editor-in-Chief of Sexy Disease Weekly, the most popular disease tabloid in the world.”

(contestant squeals with excitement)

[everything that follows written by Ms. POS]

SDW: So tell me Miss PCOS, you look A.MAZ.ING and our readers are clamoring to know: what’s your skin care regiment?

Ms PCOS: Okay, I confess. (whispers) Excess androgens.

SDW: Really? You mean, like elevated levels of testosterone?

Ms PCOS: Believe it or not, yes. I totally underestimated the effect testosterone could have for my skin. The excess facial hair and body hair. The acne. The skin tags. The sun spots. If Lancome ever gets hold of this patent, I’ll be a lot less interesting to the paparazzi and I may lose my job (laughs).

SDW: Speaking of the paparazzi, they seem to catch you at the gym frequently. Rumor has it that you work out 2+ hours per day, usually twice a day, every day. How is it that you can exercise so much and still maintain that voluptuous figure of yours?

Ms PCOS: Another secret of the testosterone. As my celebrity nutritionist has informed me, my body “stores fat efficiently.” I don’t even have to worry about all-purpose flour, refined sugars, desserts, white bread, chocolate, juice, anything! My body will maintain my fat reserves and increase them just by thinking of a snickerdoodle. AND, I can gain weight by eating fruit before 2 pm, unlike my unfortunate friends. They eat doughnuts for breakfast and chocolate all day long--the poor little things can’t gain a pound. They'll have to work their way up to the ranks of obesity, whereas I don't even have to try. They're victims of circumstance and it's unfair to them.

SDW: Truly. So when did you discover your own good fortune? When did you know this was your chosen path?

Ms PCOS: The turning point in my career was in college when I went from a size 3 to a 10 in less than a year. Seven sizes! I didn't even have to change my eating or exercise habits. I just sort of fell into it, ya know? Not a lot of people have that good fortune.

SDW: Wow. Incredible. With all this good luck, can you even narrow down your journey to the best experience thus far?

Ms PCOS: (enthusiastically) Yes, certainly! The most favorable part of the whole experience was the infertility. Due in part to amenorrhea and anovulation and 73 cysts on my ovaries, I didn’t have to have a child for 5 years. And even after conceiving, the labor was super-easy. The contractions weren't any worse than my usual nether-region pain. I was well-prepared for it, thanks to my body's foresight.

SDW: Everything just came together for you and I don't suspect that to end any time soon. Your future looks so bright--any plans in the works?

Ms PCOS: If I play my cards right, I have a really good shot at breaking into the diabetes scene. Possibly even hypertension, heart disease, uterine cancer, stroke, ovarian cancer...the works!!!!!!


Stay tuned...Here's who is coming up after the commercial break:

Ms. Lupus!

Ms. Type 1 Diabetes!!

Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis!!!


Maranie said...

I'm so sorry I missed this contest - I could've been Miss PCOS-Fibromyalgia! In the meantime, though, I know how very, very lucky our winner is! Especially after all these years of spiteful comments from my family about my weight - it must've just been jealousy! Kudos to you, and please tell me how to get over the side effects of 2000mg of metformin every day! :-P

Kara said...

OH PCOS, I have serveral symptoms, lovely I feel for her! Not so fun! I am glad she was todays interview!

Sarah said...

sad day! i want to be ms. rheumatoid arthritis!

Kmama said...

Okay, it wouldn't be so funny if it weren't true!! Thankfully, I have a very mild case of PCOS (mostly infertility and inefficient use of insulin), but I feel for her. And is it wrong to feel proud that Miss PCOS made it to the finals???

Misty said...

I am just SO excited that Ms PCOS is in the finals. I haven't read any of the others but I feel pretty confident that she will get my vote.

We fellow PCOSers have to stick together.

Christa said...

oh wow, that was amazing.
I can't wait to hear the other contestants.

metaphase said...

Happy to see Ms.PCOS in the finals. My sister had PCOS, but after she had a hysterectomy, she had the unfortunate side effect of losing about 25 lbs. in 6 weeks. Gee, I'd sure just hate to have weight fall off AND have more energy!
Good luck Ms. PCOS

brossettelewis said...

Now wait a minute, I want a picture. You know these pageants are incomplete without real photos. Even better if it is poorly lit, self taken, and while unaware it is being taken. mkay. thanks.

YAY for Miss PCOS. I couldn't imagine a more worthy syndrome (syndrome being such a fun word to have on a sash across you tataas!)

Sarah said...

I'm sad I missed the contest too. Think you could fit Miss Arnold Chiari Malformation on a sash?
After being told for years that it was all in my head an MRI revealed it was true! My brain is slowly sinking into my spinal column. It is just too big for my skull. The best part is the fact I can blame my left side facial paralysis on it, my lack of balance, excruciating daily headaches, and blame it as the missing link between my brain & mouth.
Ah, chronic disease. How I have no choice but to love you.
until brain surgery....

{Kiki} said...

PCOS is a real contender. I look forward to reading about the other contestants and voting for my fav. Take care.

Anna said...

Thank you for adding to PCOS awareness in such a hilarious interview. I truly appreciate the fact that you referred to these diseases/syndromes as sexy. PCOS feels so un-sexy, we need to take back our svelte sultry selves! Yay for Ms. PCOS!!!

Deirdre said...

Dang. I knew I should have helped my mom nominate herself for Ms. Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis! Thanks for finding a way to make chronic diseases (hmm, what's the word here? fun? humorous? bearable? okay, just insert adjective of choice). Congrats to the all finalists!

togetherforgood said...

bahahahahahaha I'm laughing so hard that I'm shedding white flakes off my scalp. This is going to be an awesome week.

Anonymous said...

What happened to Miss Asthmatic? We get steriods, too! And so many uppers in our meds, coffee is off limits! The horrors.

Seriously, I find it very cool you are so upfront about random odd health issues. A friend had Chrons Disease (sp?) and she passed away due to her lack of knowledge. She had surgery she should not have with Chron's. You make it okay to talk about the lovelinesses of it. Thanks.

And add Miss Asthmatic. And no disease that requires mood altering meds? What's up with that? A student in his MOTHER poem for Mom's Day wanted his "O" line to be--O-nly gets upset when she skips her pill! lol

Em said...

What a wonderful pagent! I hope Ms. Candida gets into the finals next year. But most of us look perfectly normal on the outside, and since we don't venture out on days spent on the throne, I doubt we could get a contestant into a contest.

Anonymous said...

Yay for Miss PCOS, I shall probably be rooting for her.

I have a very mild form of it myself. Hurray for acme and oligomenorrhea! I feel so lucky to experience, on those completely unpredictable and most conveniently timed occasions that mother nature feels like blessing me with that wonderful gift of womanhood, the world from a fetal position. It really is a wonderful feeling to be drugged up on enough Tylenol to kill an elephant just to be able to walk. Though that would definitely be a small price to pay if I never had to go through another ultrasound ever again. Oh, ovarian cysts, how I love you.

Christine said...

Yay for Jennifer! This is going to be a humbling week, I can tell. I wish I could throw roses onto the stage for everyone.

I meant to ask... are you going to have a pageant for the as-yet-undiagnosed-but-doctors-love-to-make-you-feel-crazy patients out there?
Maybe we could bring in a few primary care physicians to interview the contestants... you know, the ones who are certain they can manage your thyroid disease themselves, and wouldn't possibly consider sending you to a specialist. They're great!

Jan Russell said...

Dang, I knew I should have mentioned joint pain in my entry! I'll be pulling for Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis ;)

Although Ms. PCOS is lovely too! I just relate more with scales, then cysts...

Jeannie said...

I'm so disappointed that I don't qualify for this!! I wish I could be Ms. Endometriosis but it's, sadly, not listed on the Chronic Diseases inventory. But good luck to the finalists! In more ways than one...

Maree said...

Ah, I missed my chance to enter as Miss Asthmatic PCOS Fibromyalgia!

I DO love how you're educating us in a humorous way--and the things that all of the PCOS people have said have been totally spot on! If only I could have lost 35 lbs in a flash after surgery though!! Oh to be so lucky!

The 70+ cysts I had on ovaries that were the size of large kiwi (supposed to be the size of small walnuts) had been homesteading too long. I was lucky enough to be able to have 2 children--and I was diabetic during pregnancy and allergic to my pregnant hormones. As soon as it was safe to after baby #2, I happily went for a hysterectomy, so I wouldn't get ovarian cancer.

Yeah, what they failed to tell me is that PCOS doesn't go away with your ovaries!! The insidious beast that it is stays with you to continue to torment you for the rest of your life.

But hey, it COULD be worse, right? I could have celiac disease1

ukyankoz said...

Go Miss PCOS! She forgot to mention, though, the wonder and pure joy that is plucking your eyebrows, lips, chin AND neck every morning!

Anonymous said...

ok, isnt this the disease that the fame loving Kate Gosselin claims to have? How is it that she doesn't seem to have excess facial/body hair (could have gave it to her ex), weight, hormone issues, etc.??? i have to think after reading this that it is true whats been said, that she faked the whole thing to get the fertility drugs so she could have a bunch of kids and get money and fame like she saw the McCoughey family got with their bunch. First time around only got them 2 kids, why not switch doctors since they found out you were a fraud and trick them into trying again...
sorry you guys have to suffer through all these problems!!

Maya said...

My sister was just diagnosed with this. She's a vegetarian and works out every day and has just loved everyone's comments about the large amount of weight she's gained recently. Ms. PCOS probably has my vote :-)

TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

All of this is just too funny. It's nice we can all have a good sense of humor about our chronic illnesses. I'm feeling a little bad all I have is daily migraines and infertility. Hmmm, that can't be a good sign.

Mrs. Ordinary said...

Thank you for all the PCOS support--it makes the Metformin worth every penny! If I win this crown, I will do all in my power to pass legislation that ensures world peace and puppies for everyone (and tweezers for all the other PCOSers).