Welcome to the first annual
MS. CHRONIC DISEASE PAGEANT OF
(insert parade of contestants marching in circles on stage to a B-list cover band)
I want to thank the oodles of women and men (yes, there were several) who entered this pageant. I received buttloads (to use an appropriate IBS pun) of entries…so many in fact that I was forced to solicit the help of my best friend and fellow invalid AMY H. of Dallas, Texas to help me read through all the submissions and determine the finalists.
(applause and sighs of gratitude)
Aren’t these ladies beautiful?
(gesture to contestants, many of whom are doubled over in pain, wearing diapers, and are thirty pounds over/underweight thanks to their medications)
The women standing before you come from all over the
(more inappropriate applause and still shots of contestants who are way too cute/high-functioning to make it into the finals)
While every one of these ladies and gents clearly deserves the Crown, sadly, there can only be one Ms. Chronic Disease of
What do you say? Shall we get on with the competition?
Each day this week, I’ll introduce you to one of the finalists. She’ll tell you in her own words why she deserves this highly coveted title. Take notes because at the end of the week, you’ll be asked to VOTE for your favorite!!!!
Without further ado, please welcome our first contestant in the interview portion of the competition to the stage….
MS. POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME!!!!
(Ms. POS (AKA Jennifer of Texas) hobbles to center stage and draws a piece of paper from a clear glass bowl).
“Congratulations! You will have the privilege of being interviewed today by the Editor-in-Chief of Sexy Disease Weekly, the most popular disease tabloid in the world.”
(contestant squeals with excitement)
[everything that follows written by Ms. POS]
SDW: So tell me Miss PCOS, you look A.MAZ.ING and our readers are clamoring to know: what’s your skin care regiment?
Ms PCOS: Okay, I confess. (whispers) Excess androgens.
SDW: Really? You mean, like elevated levels of testosterone?
Ms PCOS: Believe it or not, yes. I totally underestimated the effect testosterone could have for my skin. The excess facial hair and body hair. The acne. The skin tags. The sun spots. If Lancome ever gets hold of this patent, I’ll be a lot less interesting to the paparazzi and I may lose my job (laughs).
SDW: Speaking of the paparazzi, they seem to catch you at the gym frequently. Rumor has it that you work out 2+ hours per day, usually twice a day, every day. How is it that you can exercise so much and still maintain that voluptuous figure of yours?
Ms PCOS: Another secret of the testosterone. As my celebrity nutritionist has informed me, my body “stores fat efficiently.” I don’t even have to worry about all-purpose flour, refined sugars, desserts, white bread, chocolate, juice, anything! My body will maintain my fat reserves and increase them just by thinking of a snickerdoodle. AND, I can gain weight by eating fruit before , unlike my unfortunate friends. They eat doughnuts for breakfast and chocolate all day long--the poor little things can’t gain a pound. They'll have to work their way up to the ranks of obesity, whereas I don't even have to try. They're victims of circumstance and it's unfair to them.
SDW: Truly. So when did you discover your own good fortune? When did you know this was your chosen path?
Ms PCOS: The turning point in my career was in college when I went from a size 3 to a 10 in less than a year. Seven sizes! I didn't even have to change my eating or exercise habits. I just sort of fell into it, ya know? Not a lot of people have that good fortune.
SDW: Wow. Incredible. With all this good luck, can you even narrow down your journey to the best experience thus far?
Ms PCOS: (enthusiastically) Yes, certainly! The most favorable part of the whole experience was the infertility. Due in part to amenorrhea and anovulation and 73 cysts on my ovaries, I didn’t have to have a child for 5 years. And even after conceiving, the labor was super-easy. The contractions weren't any worse than my usual nether-region pain. I was well-prepared for it, thanks to my body's foresight.
SDW: Everything just came together for you and I don't suspect that to end any time soon. Your future looks so bright--any plans in the works?
Ms PCOS: If I play my cards right, I have a really good shot at breaking into the diabetes scene. Possibly even hypertension, heart disease, uterine cancer, stroke, ovarian cancer...the works!!!!!!
Stay tuned...Here's who is coming up after the commercial break:
Ms. Type 1 Diabetes!!
Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis!!!