August 25, 2009

Welcome Back to the Ms. Chronic Disease of America Pageant!

(wild cheers and catcalls)

[today’s post was written by Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis, AKA ERIN]

Look! Here come the contestants of tonight's fabulous pageant. And leading them off, wearing a stunning evening gown that possibly fit her eight years ago before she had those kids (but possibly not), comes Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis! Watch as she holds on for dear life coming down the steps in those shoes. I hope she doesn't fall off. Her gown is black, all the better to show off the flaky dead skin falling off her scalp. She's had to stop dyeing her hair because of the reaction it caused-- so you will notice the attractiveness of all that gray. To think she's pulling off this fabulous 70-year-old woman look at the age of only thirty!!!

As we continue our pageant, we move on to the swimsuit competition! You will notice how the swimsuit highlights Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis's grossly disfigured joints and her patches of nasty psoriasis! And my, aren't those stretch marks attractive? As you watch Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis pose before the judges, you will notice that one of her shoulders seems smaller than the other. This is definitely the new look for spring! It makes all her shirts with words on them appear crooked!

For tonight's talent competition, Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis has prepared a phenomenal routine called "getting ready in the morning." It is rumored to be very difficult and full of peril. Let's watch-- the first part of her routine seems to be getting out of bed. This is an extremely complex maneuver, especially when her husband isn't here to pull her up. Oh, for a minute there I thought she wouldn't make it but she has! Now let's watch as she hobbles to the bathroom-- her foot joints must be in really bad shape this morning! Watch as she attempts to lower herself onto the toilet-- always a fun task when one's knees and hips aren't in the mood to bend! And oh, my, seems her hands aren't cooperating well with her need to wipe herself! Yowza! She still has a long way to go-- turning on the sink, squeezing out the toothpaste, and buttoning her pants are all still ahead as well as changing the baby's dirty diaper and tying her son's shoes!! And I heard through the grapevine that her son has a fever this morning and she won't be able to get the medicine bottle open-- so she will have to stab it with a steak knife! Ah yes, this is turning out to be a very exciting competition!

And now finally, we are going to hear directly from the contestants in tonight's pageant.

Ms. Psoriatic Arthritis, why should you be this year's Ms. Chronic Disease of America?”

"Well, this is a great competition, and all these ladies are so awesome. We have just had the greatest time admiring each other's medical charts and sharing our overgrown joints. I have just been so impressed by all the darn sexiness present in this pageant. But honestly, I think I should win because I would use my crown for good. And by good I mean that I would use it to beat my kids over the head with when they give me a hard time about not spreading their peanut butter on their toast fast enough in the mornings. Thank you."

(standing ovation and much weeping and mascara wiping)


Kiki said...

Wow! This competition is fierce. Ms. P.A. is a real contender. Love the play by play in the talent portion of the program. Good luck Ms. P.A. I look forward to tomorrow's contestant. Take care.

Maranie said...

Best of luck, Ms. P.A.! Some days I think I have it rough, but you have it much, much tougher! Congratulations on your title and being a great mom to boot!

Karen said...

The pictures are perfect!! I would have entered but these women are out of my league!

Jo's girl said...

man to think on any regular day with my much healthier body is rough.
this is a real eye opener to what some people have to live with. and when the rest of us take for granted all the little stuff. I'm really impressed with the finalist so far! go you Ms. P.A. and Ms. P.O.S. I take my hat off to you.

Hillori said...

I like the good she will do...she's got my vote!!

Anonymous said...

Aw, you guys are so sweet! I'm practicing my hand-fluttering-in-front-of-my-teary-eyes face even as we speak . . . LOL.

Erin (MS. PA)

noelle said...

This is the best pageant ever.