February 22, 2010

Drinks on Me

My husband was out of town all weekend. In an attempt to fill the waking hours with something other than animated movies, I took my kids to the pawn shop, Chuck-E-Cheese, and the garden center at Home Depot.

"You can sit on every riding lawnmower except that one," I said, pointing to the $7,000 convertible.

By 3pm on Saturday, I was making paper chains out of construction paper.

"What is that?" my son asked.

"The number of hours until you go to bed," I replied, ripping off a link.

"Let's take our kids out to dinner," I suggested to my friends Becky and James. "You pick the place."

It went without saying that said restaurant must be equipped with booster chairs, plastic tablecloths, and waitresses who look the other way.

An hour later, I found myself at a fifties diner. Two minutes after that, I was forced to confiscate the salt and pepper shakers from the table next to mine. Thirty seconds later, I was back for the packets of Splenda.

The hyenas lost interest in the sugar substitute when their drinks arrived...in mason jars.

"AHHHHH!" yelled Kellen, barely able to contain himself. The simple pleasures in life.

"Be careful with that cup," I warned.

By the time that the food was brought out, Kellen and Camber had spilled their drinks. After round two, the waitress left me with a roll of paper towels.

"It's your turn Cortlen," I said flatly. The last one standing giggled and covered his hands with his mouth.

"I'm joking," I said.

Trials are not without tender mercies.

My son waited until after I had consumed almost half of my meal before knocking eight ounces of soda into his lap.

Any awesome restaurant stories out there?


A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

But you got to eat half of your meal! Tender mercy!

In my mid-teens my parents finally relented and took us out to Pizza Hut. Somehow and I swear it was my sister's fault, I ended getting sent to time-out (the car).

I sputtered and, in a dramatic effort, huffed as I stood to leave.

Forever imprinted is the look of shock on my dad's face as the table cloth found itself on my belt buckle and his icy drink in his lap.

The Millers said...

En route to visit my grandparents, we stopped for dinner at a fast food restaurant. My then 4 month old son was sitting in my lap, and as I picked up my drink to take a sip, he went wiggly-wild on me and completely knocked the glass out of my hands, spilling the entire contents on the table, floor, and me. Do you think people believed me when I said that my infant son spilled the milk all over the floor? I think not. But it's true.

MHM said...

My twins (age 8) and I joined my co-workers for lunch. One boy spilled his extra large soda, not once but twice. I mopped up the spilled drinks and pitched a fit. As my coworkers looked on in amazement, I fussed at my son and made him feel bad.
As we were getting up to leave, a third drink was spilled......my extra large iced tea, by my own darn self. My son and I, as well as my co-workers, all had a good laugh. I was humbled and apologized to my son.

Cas said...

We went out to eat for the first time after we had our son about 2 months after he was born...It was one of the first times I had left the house...In the middle of the meal a smell started coming from the carrier...I knew what it was. I went to grab him up and somehow as only a baby can do there was an explosion and the thing that caused the smell came pouring and leaking out of his diaper onto his onsie and then me....I went to the bathroom cleaned him and me up then called my husband from the car!

stewbert said...

My daughter was about 4 when we went to Chuck-a-Rama with the extended family for some celebration or other. I assure you, it was not my pick. We were almost done eating when my beautiful daughter started puking everywhere.

I was trying to rush her dripping self to the bathroom, apologizing profusely to everyone we saw, when she stopped in the foyer right outside the bathroom and giggled, then yelled, "Mommy! I'm RAINING!" I had to laugh, though no one else in the vicinity thought it was funny.

By the time we came out of the bathroom, there was no evidence of the mess anywhere in the restaurant.

Mary said...

Awesome :)

When our first daughter was about 1, we were out to dinner with some of my husband's co-workers and their spouses. We were the only ones with a child at the dinner. She was being so cute, so well-behaved and smiley. Everyone kept complimenting how good she was...and then she did the biggest puke of her life right there at the table. All over. Everywhere. You should have seen the looks of horror on all those childless couples' faces! (Mine was probably the same.)

Rachel Z. said...

I too call my kids hyenas!!!

Danielle said...

The paper chain made me laugh!

Gwenevere said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only that uses the sugar packet trick AND although horrible...it probably would have all happened at home to but at least you didn't have to cook?...more tender mercies?


Yvette said...

I have way to many restaurant atrocity stories to share. But the best was when one of my sons was 2 and he was throwing a terrible two fit. I'm not sure why, but the waitress thought it was a great idea to drop off two glasses of soda within reach of my son. Where did they land of course all over me and my pants. Even better was when she brought back replacements she put them in the same place. This time my son managed to only get one knocked over before everyone at the table could grab it. It was a great night. Yes,of course I looked like I had peed my pants:)

Carrie Stuart said...

Aahhh...the days of leaving big tips...and leaving quickly! Thanks for the trip down memory lane!

Kelly said...

Once, at our local pizza place, my 2 year old slid a plate onto the floor smashing it into a million pieces. The reaction of the older kids was that we were in such big trouble that we would never be allowed inside again.

We still talk about the day D broke the plate. He is now 10.

Momfever said...

Poor you! I feel for you.
I have long since given up on going to restaurants with the kids. Except McDonalds...

Churndash said...

I was in town visiting a friend I hadn't seen in a few years, so invited her and her four children to a restaurant. I was still single at the time so had no experience with such things. All I remember is that the kids were sitting on the pickles from their hamburgers and spitting ketchup through their straws. It was like an advertisement for birth control.

Churndash said...

Oh and another time, I took my sister and her toddler son to lunch. He got tired of sitting and wanted more attention than we were giving him, so he picked up his root beer and poured (not spilled, mind you) POURED it into my purse.

Jenn said...

Ah, for a second there I thought you had gone to Nifty Fifties, but the mason jars gave you away.

I miss Nifty Fifties in a big way!!

p2w said...

Great stories.
Reading all this brings two thoughts to mind from years ago (My kids are in their 30's): 1)We always said never give more milk to a kid than you are willing to wipe up off the floor, and 2) you can always tell which waitresses have kids of there own by where they place things on the table!
Thanks for the morning laughs....

Tomena said...

This is not a restaurant story...but it's close...http://tomena-growinlikeareed.blogspot.com/2009/09/best-reception-of-my-life.html

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this qualifies as "awesome" but I've got one....we were at a restaurant with our 2 kids who were about 5 and 3 at the time. Their favorite thing to do was crawl under the table and chase each other around the table legs on their hands and knees. Finally, in a moment of "mean mom" genius, I said to them "You know what's down there, don't you" "What?" they asked. "DOG POOP," I said, "People walk on it, it gets on their shoes, and then they sit here and it get all over the carpet and now you are PLAYING in it. GROSS!" They NEVER crawled under a restaurant table again. :) Ah. Sweet peace. :)

The Russell 4 said...

Picture a three year old determined to remove the lid from her strawberry milkshake, knocking over not only her now open milkshake but two full glasses of diet coke. All of which, landed on the man across the isle from our table. He was a good sport and said kindly, "I am just glad it wasn't alcohol I have to return to the office." To top it off the waiter had no idea what a wet mop was and took forever getting us towels and mops to clean up the mess. Paper restaurant napkins are just not that absorbent.

Emmy said...

Oh I have one!! It was the first time we went out as a family after having number two, we went to Denny's as we had a 2-year-old in tow. They always have those fancy cups you can buy, and Lucas asked for one and we thought, why not, he is now the big brother and has been being a great big brother. So they bring out the drinks, he has pink lemonade in his new fancy cup. Eric and I were enjoying the moment and talking while he quietly sipped away at his lemonade.. all of it all gone. So the food finally comes, he starts to eat his food and then starts winning and saying he is not feeling good... and then yep he throws up all over the table. We monitor his drink consumption a little more closely now.

Margaret said...

That settles it! I don't want kids ever.

Tina said...

Oh my! I was going to comment on how all the things you write couldn't possibly be true and then I read the other comments.
It feels so good to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
Is that bad?
I have 3 monkeys of my own. Perhaps I'm just relieved it's not happening to me...this time.

Stef and Bry said...

I have 5 kids and I knew at child #3 that we wouldn't be going to any restaurant that requires a waitress. My hubby is deaf and so he is oblivious to the racket that my kids make...so he is no help. Great guy, but no help. So, we take picnics or go to chucky cheese,etc.

Vicky said...

You are the bravest soul I know of! We've never made it past McDonalds!

The Parent Trapped said...

I have a "spiller". At six years old she still spills everything she touches. At least now she's old enough to drink her milk first! Don't ever take your kids to The Melting Pot. I don't know what I was thinking!

statia said...

I remember once, before we had kids, my husband and I were at a bagel place getting lunch one afternoon. A kid at the table next to us was shoving too much in his maw at once, forcing him to gag, choke and then eventually throw up his bagel and milk all over the floor.

At the time, my husband had no tolerance (i.e. weak stomach) for this sort of stuff and kept begging us to move. He was acting a little over the top, so I tried to get him to just ignore it, but he eventually got up and walked away.

Two kids later, if one of our kids did that at a restaurant, he wouldn't have batted an eye.

DiggyDaddy said...

This isn’t a restaurant story but it is a dinning table story that just happened; honest.

My son JT and I have spent the morning together. I thought I'd give him some lunch before nap time. While he ate I went into the bedroom to take a phone call and came back to find his plate empty. Hurray!

I put him down for a nap, sat down at the laptop and started visiting blogs and getting ready to write for the day.

Before I got to The Meanest Mom and your restaurant story I looked over and saw JT’s sippy cup sitting next to his empty plate. It looked strange. Kind of like a jar in a bio-lab. There were bloated lumps or something floating in it. I picked it up carefully and realized it was stuffed with the chicken nuggets I thought JT had just eaten.

Here is to short celebrations and material for today’s blog entry.

Thanks for the post.

Rachel said...

My husband and I decided to go out to eat with our 1 year old daughter for the first time in a long time. I even got off work early for the big event. We went to the Olive Garden, got seated, ordered our food, and everything was going just fine. Claire was in her high chair, happily looking around an playing with a crayon. I looked away to take a drink, and looked back to see her VOMITING EVERYWHERE. Seriously, everywhere. I started grabbing napkins off the tables to clean it up and whisked her away crying to the bathroom. I had to strip her down and hung out in there for a little while just to make sure she was done. I took her back to the table and the second we rounded the corner she started barfing again. She had been perfectly fine all night, and now she was puking everywhere. Needless to say, we got our food to go.

Staci said...

I am lmao over here! My husband and I took our twins to a sushi restaurant when we moved to a new town. They were only 7 months and it was their bedtime so they were sleeping in their carriers. As soon as our sushi hit the table Lily woke up screaming and barfed all over herself in her infant carrier. I quickly grabbed her and ran out to the car to get her clean and changed I got back inside to find my husband holding a crying, barfing Preston. I will never forget the look on his face.
This story still puzzles me to this day because neither one of my kids has ever thrown up except that day.

lisha said...

Oh where to begin....

The short version is that my daughter #2 pukes almost EVERY TIME we eat out. At least now sheis old enough to know and makes it to the bathroom.

But we do have a self imposed ban from Chilis. That one was bad!

And after reading all the comments it is good to know I am not the only one with a puking child.

Tracie said...

My oldest daughter was visiting from out of town so my mother, husband, and 3 of our other children and myself took her to Olive Garden for an early dinner. As soon as we were seated in a very busy dining room, our 4 yr old stood on his chair and yelled..."there is pee in my penis, hurry! Where's the man's bathroom?" As my husband was taking him to the bathroom, he turned to me and added loudly..."don't worry mommy, there is no poo in my bottom!" Yep. A definate proud moment there.

Baby Boberg & Parents said...

Mine was before the baby was born. I had morning sickness and was finally feeling better for once. My in-laws came to town and we all went to Steak & Shake for dinner. I SCARFED EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Then after I washed it down with my rootbeer float I could feel it returning. I ran from the table(of course I'm stuck in the corner seat farthest from the bathroom) and like projectile vomit all over the floor. Yep,right next to a cute little J.Crew family of four.

anobion said...

I went with a friend to a Hibachi restaurant a few years ago and we were seated beside this lovely couple and their cute little boy. He was bouncing around and being cute and drinking LOTS of Sprite. We were kind of talking to him, and his parents weren't paying much attention. All of a sudden he stood up in his seat and had a really horrible look on his face. He then puked all over the Hibachi grill that had been turned on to cook the food. It sizzled and bounced all over the grill. His parents were mortified. It was seriously one of the more disguisting things I have ever seen. (I don't have kids, so not much experience with handling other people's bodily functions). They left and we were taken to a table way over on the other side of the restaurant, but I still felt sorry for the tables around us. Not a nice smell. I still can't eat at Hibachi places without thinking about that.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

My then 18-month-old poured an "au jus" sandwich (extra au jus) all over him. Even after a bath, he smelled like Outback for weeks.

Kari Pierson said...

Hi- Long time follower! Love your blog...I couldn't help but to comment on this one. My littles (6 yr old twins) cannot go out to eat without both of them making at least one trip each to the restroom. I think they have a goal to tour EVERY bathroom in our state. YUCK! They always seem to want to go as soon as our plates come. I never get to eat a warm meal...I try to tell them that they can wait- soon the howling "I really have to go" disturbs the quiet couples at nearby tables and I give in. This is generally follwed by at least a fifteen minute stay in the bathroom while one of them decides whether or not they really need to go. (Now that they read I wonder if they are just entertained by what's written on the stall walls)After threats of never going out again, I usually return to my meal- now cold and in a to go container, check already paid and out the door we go. We find that the local drive in is our best bet for a peaceful dining experience. I can eat while it's still warm and the car doesn't have a bathroom to tour.

Anonymous said...

My boys love going inside "eating places" as they have dubbed them and ask to go to said "eating Places" just aobut every time we leave the house. we have limited those excursions to birthdays and days that mom can't possibly come up with an edible idea for dinner. The Best thing about my two toddlers is that they usually stun the waitress by asking for a salad. they love salads and will eat the entire thing by themselves. Don't get me wrong we also must take everything off the table that is not dinner related or it will end up spilled on everything and everyone else.

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