February 23, 2010

The Alternative Family

Last week, I received two AMAZING invitations. The first was extended by the producer of a national talk show. Think seventeen notches down from Oprah.

"We're doing a makeover show and think you'd be perfect!!!!!" the producer chirped over the phone.

Already I was offended.

My self esteem officially went down the crapper when she asked me how long I had worn 'mom jeans' and why I wouldn't give them up.

"I think you have the wrong number," I told her and hung up.

The second invitation came from the producer of a new reality television series. She found my blog through a friend of a friend of a friend and "LOVED loved LOVED" my "unique perspective on parenting and positive views on life."

That's when I knew that she had never read my blog.

This producer told me that if it was all right with me, a camera crew and fifteen million people would come to my house and follow me and my kids around for a week.

The prospect of such awesomeness underwhelmed me.

When I didn't respond right away, the producer added that yours truly wouldn't be the main attraction. The series is going to feature a number of alternative families from all across the country.

"Alternative?" I asked. Her choice of words confused me.

That's when she told me that one of the other young families that she is working with vacations at nudist colonies. Another set of parents pierced their toddlers' noses and eyebrows and let their six-year-old get a snake tattoo.

As much as I had felt like I had found my home, I declined the very generous and heartwarming offer to join the freak show.

It's been a week, and I'm starting to worry that I made the wrong choice.

Not.

36 comments

MrsDixon said...

I just discovered your blog and love your humor. This story makes me laugh! I too would be greatly offended if anyone offered me any form of a 'make-over'.

Lisa and company said...

hilarious

Gwenevere said...

oh sure raise the standard...Now I'm going to look like a sellout when I accept the invitation!

www.sewmanybooks.blogspot.com

Hillori said...

At least you can't say you are considered boring! You always find the humor in a story...kudos!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

I would NEVER let my six-year-old get a snake tattoo. Blue hair, though, is perfectly ok.

Mama Mogantosh said...

Wow - I think that's called 'making the big time' in the 21st century. Don't think too much about the details... Fame at any cost. Channel Sally Field if it helps: They like me! They really like me!

American Mom said...

Gee, how could you pass up either of those tempting offers? Sheesh! And alternative family? WTH? I guess staying home with our children is alternative now? I'm not even sure what to say! At least you have a sense of humor about it!

Tiffany said...

I'm totally confused about what makes you alternative... Your extensive knowledge of Beowulf?

Tiffany said...

So funny.

sarahandmatt said...

wow! glad you said no to both. are those people kidding? You hardly fit into any of those groups.

Laura said...

Gosh, quite the flattering invitations...yeah I would have turned them down too. haha

Jennifer said...

I would love to know why they consider you and your family alternative? I think y'all seem pretty normal to me.

Malea said...

Well call me a freak show then! "alternative" is as "alternative" does!

Margaret said...

Well you should be honored but at the same time you have to wonder where people get all their information from and what not.

LemonyRenee' said...

Good choice. You know they would have given you the dreaded "Kate cut," and then followed you around 'til you went nuts, too!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

You're such a prude. And I love you for it. It's too bad that a family with rules, guidelines, and expectations is now an "alternative."

Terry said...

Hey...that's MY 6 yr old that has the snake tattoo!! ahhhahahaha! I'm kidding! I would never!
Just stumbled upon your blog...very entertaining! Alternative?? probably not compared to those other families!

Hope said...

THANK YOU for not hopping on the media/reality-TV bandwagon! You are too real and too wonderful for that!

Queen of Crafts, Current Events, and Such. said...

Oh J.......Keep your pride and dignity. Your blog is funny and refreshing...Wait for the big time. ....You should write a journal type book...If not for the public , for your kids to read someday. I would buy it.

Melissa said...

so part of me hopes these are true stories...part of me hopes they are bad dreams you had.

what about your life made someone think you should be part of a show with alternative lifestyles?

i find that weird...LOL

The Parent Trapped said...

OMG. Talk about the wrong kind of publicity! Do you ever wish your keyboard had a "sarcasm" key? I do, every day. "Mean"? I think not, just as I am not really "Trapped". Good for you turning down those questionable offers!

Emmy said...

No way! That is just too weird and funny and what have you not been telling us :)

linda said...

A makeover! WhoooooHoooo! I'll go for it. I've always wanted a snake tattoo over my right eye, following the curve of my eyebrow and long indian (oops...American Native) nose.
What is this show? Huh? Awww, come on, tell me, please...
LOL!
you one funny lady.
i like you.

Sam said...

Alternative? For me that is more than two parents in one household, and a combined reverence for humans and animals including birthdays far all! I would have been really offended! YOur blog is hilarious by the way!

Luvily said...

Just found your blog - Loving it!

Vicky said...

15 million people following me around my home via camera crew would've been enough to scare me away but the fact that they consider you/your family alternative?!! All in the name of 'reality', even!! Go figure!

Angie said...

WOW. You are almost a celebrity.

the thrifty ba said...

i posted a link from my blog to yours today! i love your stories-they make me feel like im not alone in the mom universe!
http://thethriftyba.blogspot.com/2010/02/major-award.html

AlsoMean said...

My kids are 4 and 7, and I'm OK with tattoos. Also faux-hawks.
However, they typically do not want to wash that part of their bodies to keep it from washing off....

Emz said...

awesome. sorry so sort - - off to get my 9 year olds nose pierced.

Jo's girl said...

holy crap so I guess dysfunctional has taken over as the "norm". it's a crying shame that a stay at home mom makes for the exception and not the rule.

Renny said...

Okay, clearly its because you're Mormon. Mormons lead alternative lifestyles. We don't drink or smoke or even have coffee, and there is that whole polygamy thing. We're automatically republicans because our parents were/are, and we believe families can be together forever.
Weird. Alternative. Intriguing. I think that lady was watching Big Love. Scary.

Sarah G {austinbygeorge} said...

Oh Jana...that is funny and I just came across your blog so I don't even know your whole story. But that is just plain funny.

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