July 24, 2010

My Kids' New Parents

My husband and I knew it was going to be a good day when my kids (who went to bed last night at 10pm) got up at the crack of dawn.

We woke up to all three of them circling our bed, like birds of prey.

"Time to get up!" they snapped.

It was 5:35am.

By 8am, they had all hit the wall. "Time to go to your swim meet!" I chirped.

"I'm not going!" screamed Twin A, as I shoved him into his swimsuit.

"If I have to swim in a swim meet, then YOU have to swim in a swim meet," said my darling daughter.

Twin B ran off and hid in one of the kitchen cabinets. It took my husband 10 minutes to find him. When he did, no one was pleased.

"This is the worst day of my life!" Twin B yelled at the top of his lungs as my husband carried him to the car.

My neighbors, who witnessed the whole scene, were inspired by our parenting.

On the way to the swim meet, Twin A kicked the back of my chair, Twin B repeated everything that everyone else said, and my darling daughter invented an injury.

"My neck hurts real bad," she moaned, holding her stomach.

Once we arrived at the swim meet, things got much better. Camber announced that she had left her goggles at home (on purpose), Cortlen shoved his registration card down his pants and jumped in the pool, and Kellen announced that he had diarrhea.

"Tell me again how long swim meets last," my husband asked.

The answer made him cry.

While I went into the bathroom to change the baby's pants, my husband went in search of a sharp stick, leaving our older kids the opportunity to tell all the people sitting around us that they have the meanest parents in the entire world, that they never do anything fun, and that YMCA swim teams are prison camps. I was also accused of packing disgusting snacks in their lunches and forcing them to do horrific things like cut their fingernails against their will. According to several witnesses, my kids concluded their tirade by stating that they were in the market for new parents and had plans to move out of our house as soon as possible.

Because I experience it so often, I am largely immune to embarrassment. My husband, who still harbors the unrealistic expectation that his kids won't turn on him in public, was mortified.

On the way home from the swim meet (which we left waaaaay early), Crazy Dad swerved into a 55+ mobile home community. Driving slowly down the street, he asked each of our kids to pick out a new house.

"Those look like nice people," my husband said, pointing to a couple sitting in matching lawn chairs in their driveway. "How would you like for them to be your new parents?"

"We'll come back tonight and leave you on the doorstep with a note pinned to your shirts," my husband continued.

Two thirds of my kids were scared straight. The other third saw a house with a dog out front. He decided that he was up for a trial run.

Shortly after this comment was made, my husband changed his mind and decided that he would rather be dropped off on a stranger's doorstep instead.

34 comments

RenderMeMama said...

Love it. Sounds like something my parents would have done to us as well! Not that we never deserved it though.....

linda said...

Hahahahaha......great post!

Karen Mortensen said...

I am sorry this all happened. What a mess. However, it was funny. One day you should really do it. Not for real, but plan it with someone.

Spring Jones said...

I feel your pain! I just keep thinking that someday my kids will be parents and then I can laugh at them when they call to complain about how embarrassing thier children are.

Gina @ MoneywiseMoms said...

That sounds just like my house this morning--and our swim meet was horrendous in 100+ degree heat!

Emily said...

I adore your parenting style. And I too consider dropping myself off at a new home after swim meets...

Lin said...

lol...great post!

[ker-AND-uh] said...

BAHAHAHA! LOVE IT. New follower here from www.thismommyshood.com! Your kids sound great. I'll remember this when I have more!

Anonymous said...

My husband did the same thing at a golf resort after a three hour road trip. Both of my boys were in tears. This year as we drove near the golf resort my oldest reminded his little brother that we were getting very close to the place where parents go to trade children. And, I have to say that this year's beach trip was a much nicer drive.
Debra

Sinclair said...

My brother went so far as to pack his little suitcase one time and sit outside on the curb with his thumb out for about three hours. Luckily, nobody picked him up and he concluded that finding new parents was way too much work!

(of course, my (mean) mom was watching from the kitchen window to make sure nobody took him up on his request)

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Mia said...

Thank you. I feel so un-alone now. It is so refreshing to hear of someone else's public humiliation.

cutiepiescustomcreations said...

So refreshing to hear that its not just my kids. And funny b/c my husband is way more easily embarrassed...I have the knowledge from talking to other moms that at one point or another, it happens to all of us and most of us moms understand.

Donna said...

Love this post. Totally makes me feel better about my 5 year old who is perfect one minute and an evil monster the next. We pull up next to random buildings when he acts like this and tells him he's going to daycare (our child has never been to daycare in his life b/c I'm a SAHM). He freaks out and finally calms down then.

Sara said...

That sounds like a fun game.

The reaction sounds pretty typical, too. This would've upset me as a kid and my brother would've shrugged and said, "I hope my new family has a pool."

Lisa G said...

You have no idea how close to home this blog hits!! Thank u Thank u Thank u!!!

Mothers' Hideaway said...

LOL!! I totally feel your pain!

Itchin' Stitchin' said...

LOL Yes I sometimes feel that same way - When my 7 year old gets mad at me (usually not letting him get his was) he says he hates me - that is how I know I am being a good parent :)

Teen Queen said...

your husband sounds a lot like my dad, and you go through a lot of stuff my mom does! nice to know we're not the only crazy ones out there! :)

ZippyChix said...

Hilarious. When my kids use to say that I was too mean and that new parents may be nicer I would always call them on it and tell the to find some that they wanted and I would drop them off...if that is what they really want. After further consideration they always realized that they had a pretty good gig:) Great Blog...I look forward to further exploration.

PatC. said...

Been here but with softball. She was 8 and absolutely refused to go to her games, hated playing, screamed all the way there in the car and got horrible stomachaches when we arrived at the field. Made it through the season with some "positive reinforcement" and told her she never had to play again. Fast forward to the next year's sign-up day "we need to go sign me up to play again" She played and pitched through high school.

Making It Work Mom said...

Ha Ha Too funny! I had a friend who had a "fun" afternoon with her two children (11,9). After a horrible drive home she threatened to just drop them off. They of course didn't believe her... until she pulled the car over and forced them to get out (it was on the corner of their street). She then happily drove away. When they finally made their way home she sent them straight up to their beds. I can't wait until I can try out both your methods!
And why is every day "the worst day of their life"?

Mal said...

Oh my goodness gracious! So funny. And so true! My mum (as a kid) used to threaten to run away on a fairly regular basis. It drove her nuts when her mum would take her upstairs and start packing a bag for her.

The Bus Driver said...

This one time (I think I was about 12 or 13 at the time and being very disagreeable), I complained all the way on the ride to church (I didn't want to go) - sat grumpy all through church, then started an argument on the way home(I forget what the argument was!) We were just leaving the church parking lot and had just crossed the busy highway when my dad got fed up with me. He pulls to the side of the road and tells me to get out and walk home. Under protest, he actually made me get out of the car and walk home (about 2 miles). I fumed just about the whole way back to the house (took me about 25-30 minutes to walk in anger), and by the time I got back, they had lunch on the table and I had forgotten why I was so disagreeable. I learned my lesson.

Elizabeth said...

I love this and am definitely trying it on my 7 yr old heathern boy asap! LOL

canadianmom said...

haha, my mom did that when I was a kid, threaten to leave us on the highway because we wouldn't stop fighting... fast forward 20 years and 4 kids later... I too have urges to just drop off my son at some random stranger at times when he screams at the top of his lungs in public that I am the worst mother in the world because I wouldn't get him the one thing he wants... Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one out there!!!

Comfortably Numb said...

Nice blog, I like your voice a lot--that blog about the swimming is freaking hilarious.

Aunt Crazy said...

I so totally think you should take them to the police station and drop them off for just a bit. Most of the time, there's a nice police officer on duty that is glad to show kids that they have great parents...LOL

Mommy Mayhem said...

This is so funny! I have to say your parenting is much like mine!

Gina said...

Hilarious.

Melinda said...

LOL! I have threatened to find new parents for my kids before. I asked them to pack their bags, but at that point they didn't find that appealing anymore. I hadn't considered the option of finding someone to take me in...hmmm.

Tasha Hickert said...

Ha--this sounds just like my house. And the "best" part is that you invest a lot of time and money getting to the point of attending a swim meet. :)My second son is notorious for saying he wants to play a sport at sign-up time only to scream at me when the first practice rolls around "I don't want to play ____ why did you sign me up?!"

Jensamom23 said...

I am am laughing so hard my eyes are leaking!

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