September 3, 2010

Costco Special


Employees of the Month


Last weekend, I found myself forced to explain the concept of nude beaches to my children.

This afternoon, I was charged with the task of explaining to the same audience why a grown man of seemingly normal intelligence would pull down his pants in the middle of Costco and have a bowel movement.

Needless to say, I struggled to find the right words.

We happened upon the crime scene--the book section--immediately after the event took place. I learned later, in the checkout line, that the suspect had been caught and apprehended in the parking lot. This information made me feel better, but provided little consolation to the crew charged with the task of cleaning up the mess.

"What happened over there?" asked my son, straining to see what was causing all the commotion.

"I don't really know," I said vaguely. "I think someone just had a little accident," I said.

The man standing next to us in line was kind enough to clarify.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I told my kids as I loaded the groceries into the car.

They had a hard time understanding why I would deem such a fascinating topic of conversation off limits.

To their credit, they didn't talk about the incident on the drive home. Weirdly, despite the 90 degree heat, they all insisted on waiting at the end of the driveway for my husband to come home from work.

The minute that my husband's car pulled into the parking lot, they attacked.

"DAD! DAD! DAD!" they screamed, motioning for my husband to roll down his windows. My husband stopped the car and complied.

"Thanks for greeting me!" he smiled, clearly pleased that his kids were so excited to see him.

"Guess what?" they said, ignoring him. "We saw something super disgusting today."

I watched the exchange from the front stoop.

"I don't really want to hear about yucky things," my husband told them. "Tell me something nice."

Regardless of what my husband said, the result would have been the same.

They all clamored at once to tell him the gory details.

The line between disgusting and delightful only becomes visible in adulthood, and even then, remains fuzzy for some.

After listening to the kids' story, my husband covered his mouth in feigned horror.

34 comments

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

SO ... sounds like Florida is treating you well?

TORI said...

gross. One time at Best Buy this old man went into the bathroom, came out a respectable time later and then I smelled it. It wasn't good. I called an employee to check on it and he had done to the walls what Cameron did when your sister and bil were watching him. A grown man, smeared the walls.... If I was working there and on bathroom duty that day, I would quit, right then, no notice, plan quit.

Sue Ann said...

I had no idea, until the last few weeks that Florida could be that um...."entertaining" this is just one more bit of evidence! YUCKY!

Emily said...

Are you totally sure he was a normal guy and he just randomly pantsed himself and poo-pooed? I mean, I know someone people on blood pressure medication who have totally uncontrollable runs with their medication and have had accidents in public before and it was totally humiliating for them. They tried to run and... just horrible. My friends mom had it happen more than once, she was constantly having to stop and buy new underwear if they left the house... She actually died of a heart attack when we were still in college.

THAT said, maybe he just saw a really good book that would make good bathroom reading and forgot that those toilets in there are only samples and aren't hooked up yet? Happens to the best of us. Totally. I am positive at least 3-5-40 of us at least have accidentally almost peed down some aisle in Costco. I mean come on.... Right? No? Really? Are you sure? Girls? Anybody?

tap, tap... this thing on?a

Emily said...

PS Florida seems totally freaking awesome. I am SO moving there.

My 13 year old nephew is so on board too.

He wants to live with you too btw.

HAVE FUN!

Mia said...

This would have been THE best story at the lunch table for my Diva. They are 11 and still talk about poop and farts. Ewww.

Kelly said...

Moving to Florida has all kinds of blogging potential now doesn't it?

How awful!

Hamlet\'s Mistress said...

That? Is disgusting. What is the DEAL with these Floridians?? Nude driving... pooping in public... T think you need to find your way back to southeastern PA. Rapidly.

HM

Itchin' Stitchin' said...

I didn't know that there were other random poopers at stores! I worked at Pier 1 as a manager. It was busy summer season at the store and some nice customer came up to tell me that there was a trail of poop in our bedroom section. It was the grossest thing I had to clean up and I have 3 children. It didn't end there throughout the night we would find more of it throughout the store.

Anonymous said...

yes, Florida crazies. Because of the year round warm weather (most of the time)many homeless/mentally ill people migrate there. So the Florida crazies are really all of our crazies...

Floridian in New England

Jen said...

The kids and I were in Costco last week. On our way out past the food court, the mop crew was starting to clean up a large, dark stain of what was probably root beer. But I had my kids convinced it was blood from a knifing until we were almost to the car. Teasing kids is what makes motherhood bearable sometimes! :)

Heather said...

That is totally disgusting. Which you already knew. Of course your kids were entertained by it. I am glad your husband got the "scoop on the poop" so soon!

Karen MEG said...

Ewwwwww... but such great blog fodder, eh?

eliana23 said...

Golly, I am never going to costco again.

LRC said...

Here I am thinking I am the only "mean mom" who says "I don't want to hear about yucky things." Even still, that is pretty gross.

Ellen said...

alright, you must all go listen to this podcast from This American Life. It's a piece from David Sedaris and it plays as act three of this episode.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/303/david-and-goliath

Brenda said...

Ew! What is wrong with people? I could see this happening at Wal-Mart, but Costco? No way! I actually work for Costco. Thankfully I'm in the photo lab so the chances of being asked to clean something like this up would be pretty slim. I would have to quit. No one gets paid enough for that. Seriously, bring in the Hazmat team!

BeckyB.West said...

Why don't exciting things like that ever happen to me?

Anonymous said...

I thought for SURE you were going to say your kiddos pooped on the driveway to show your husband. LOL! At least that's what my kids would have done! Why is it they only copy-cat the humiliating moments (aka - topless girls...)?

Ber said...

Unfortunately, this might be something you're kids talk about for a long long time!

Jennifer said...

O-O I just don't know what to say.

AzĂșcar said...

Yay! Florida!

Mal said...

Man, I thought San Fran was crazy. I haven't found any poop on Pier 39 so far, but then, I haven't been here all that long. Of course, I do have you beat by a few months.

I always knew I would never move to Florida. Now I know why.

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Blimey, a dude had a crap in an aisle at Costco? That's pretty far out as far as supermarket experiences go. And it's god given blog material! Brilliant post - loved it.

McKenzie said...

Oh wow.. Ew! That is quite the story to tell.

Pam said...

Wow - I had no idea this thing could really happen. It's so foul, but I had to laugh, just the same! Think of the rich education your children are receiving!

Rita of Pita said...

I like your work. Totally subscribing. If I din't, I would be missing out on alot of important things...lol.

Anonymous said...

What the Hel..... What kind of crazy place is Florida? Are you ready to move? I don't even see thise kind of stuff in California. Come home!

Teen Queen said...

wow. that is crazy. one time in primary a little boy pulled his pants down and peed on the floor. (i wasnt there, my mom was 1st counselor in the primary presidency and told me about it)

Niki said...

I had a friend who took a seasonal job at some clothing store during Christmas time. She caught a man peeing all over some expensive coats. She didn't know what to do so she called 911. The man was arrested and apparently has been for the same problem many times before. His wife tried to explain it away to staff, much to their horror. Don't know what happened to him other than he had to pay for all the "damaged" merchandise. Turns out, he was a successful pediatrician.

Talk about a strange fetish...

Steph, from Be Positive Mom! said...

Yuck!... Makes you wonder what would drive someone to do such a thing. Of course, the kids will always remember it and tell the story in years to come... Lucky you!

Krissy said...

As always, I love the way you infuse humor into your every day!

As I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, wonder if that man had young-onset Alzheimer's or another form of dementia? I am a gerontologist, and run a young-onset support group in which many of the caregivers of the person's with dementia report major confussion in the bathroom department. One gentleman, who looks perfectly normal, has been urinating in planters because he doesn't recognize his surroundings in a normal way.

I think if your kids bring it up again I would tell them that the man had something wrong with his brain. That is the tough part of brain illnesses/diseases-you can't "see" that anything is wrong the way you would if they were wearing a brace or a cast.

Thanks again for providing us all with such fun reading material!

Krissy said...

As always, I love the way you infuse humor into your every day!

As I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, wonder if that man had young-onset Alzheimer's or another form of dementia? I am a gerontologist, and run a young-onset support group in which many of the caregivers of the person's with dementia report major confussion in the bathroom department. One gentleman, who looks perfectly normal, has been urinating in planters because he doesn't recognize his surroundings in a normal way.

I think if your kids bring it up again I would tell them that the man had something wrong with his brain. That is the tough part of brain illnesses/diseases-you can't "see" that anything is wrong the way you would if they were wearing a brace or a cast.

Thanks again for providing us all with such fun reading material!

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