December 6, 2010

The Home Improvement Center Christmas Tree

Our current living quarters are tight. Very tight.

This year, my husband proposed that we get a Christmas tree that is proportionate to our town home's square footage. "Like one that fits on the top of a table," he said.

While he was at work, I took the kids to a local home improvement super center and purchased half a forest.

"Do you want me to trim off the bottom?" asked the sixteen year-old tree salesman.

I eyed the man-child suspiciously. "It's free," he assured me.

When we arrived home, I noticed that in the process of trimming the bottom of the tree, the man-child also managed to split the tree trunk nearly in half.


I thought about taking the tree back to the store, but then I found some duct tape and wood glue.

"Is that what you're supposed to do?" Cortlen asked me nervously as I bound the trunk with sticky bandages.

"It's what smart people do," I answered confidently.

My husband noticed the deformities right away. "That tree isn't going to make it until Christmas," he predicted.

That was Friday. At least 1/3 of the pine needles have already fallen off. Is that a bad sign?

24 comments

Valerie S said...

I know that people are either real tree people or fake tree people. After reading your story I think you are ready to be a fake tree person.

Hillori said...

I agree with Valerie...

Erin said...

It's better than a tree full of newly hatched spiders . . . we had a dried up, raid smelling tree once. And that was the last real tree.

I'm So Fancy said...

Duct tape is the best! I use it in place of a bra, to close a broken suitcase and I hear it is a good thing to have to seal off your room in case of a hotel fire. But Christmas tree is a new one. Nicely done.

Corey said...

My dad was always a "real tree" man.. but he was also cheap and would go out in the woods behind our house and cut his own, so we ended up with the most pitiful Charlie Brown trees you ever saw.. full on one side, bare on the other. One year, my mother had had enough, and while my dad went downtown for something, she took a saw and hacked half the branches off one side of the tree, and drilled holes in the bare side, and "replanted them" there.

I don't remember whether the tree survived or whether my dad ever found out, but I do remember thinking that my mom was a total genius.

Ding Dong said...

oh my gosh, i cant believe you tried to fix it with wood glue.

my parents ALWAYS got real trees (we would go out to a huge tree farm and saw it down and the whole nine yards) but since i got married and i am now the one responsible for the christmas tree, i have 100% converted to fake trees. no watering the thing, no dead needles, and i can use it year after year.

Lorilynne said...

You know, I'm not sure duct tape really can fix everything, haha. And I agree with Valerie.

Lori said...

If you really want the smell of a real tree, get a pine scented reed difuser and a fake tree. Much easier and no more need for duct tape and wood glue

Sami said...

You've officially shattered my perception of duct tape. You mean it CAN'T fix EVERYTHING?! Why don't you go ahead and tell me that Santa isn't real either!

Lindsey said...

I was blog-surfing and found your blog through my sis-in-law, Julia's blog. I love it! This is hilarious I mean laugh-out-loud-make-my-kids-think-I'm crazy funny! Thanks for sharing!

vanilla said...

Oh, yeah; like my woman. Take things into your own hands.

Tip: Duct tape would probably help pick up the needles the vacuum will miss.

Leanne said...

If you put enough decorations on it no one will notice a thing. Trust.

Meggie Gurtler Photography said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meggie Gurtler Photography said...

Hahaha I love this, wood glue and duct tape, complete genius. I hope the tree lasts till Christmas!

Mrs. Tuna said...

Ah yah, that would be a bad sign. Embrace the fake, you'll thank me for it later.

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Christina said...

Go fake...It was the best thing we did a few years back, it saves money and less clean up..let alone Christmas tree hunting is NOT what it used to be..kinda like pumpkin patches with tons of rides and bounce houses..ok people we are here for pumpkins and trees, not a carny fest...

Karlee, Tyson and Erin said...

It was probably a bad idea to use wood glue, otherwise it might have survived. The real trick here is to minimize the length of time it is without water. The time involved in "fixing" it probably was the last straw. Fake trees are the way to go. There are really nice ones these days, I work at a flower shop and we sell awesome ones, plus scent rings with oil to put inside so they smell like the real deal! Good Luck!!!

Megan said...

Maybe not a fake tree. Maybe a non16 year old tree salesman, who is experienced with tree cutting or something. Maybe.

stuart said...

I think that is not a fake tree. Maybe some problem there. Gutter Cleaning Service | Home Storage Solutions

Kari said...

Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang stuff on it, then kick it to the curb. Have fun in hell.

Anonymous said...

buying a real tree in Florida SUCKS!!! They are always dried out and if not dried out when you get it, it is soon after. I guess since they have to travel so far they are in rough shape by the time they make it to the local home improvement center...

Melissa said...

At least you tried. Every year my husband and kids tromp out to the forest in Griswold fashion and track down our perfect tree. Perfect is used loosely as these trees have more trunk then actual pine needles. This year with my broken foot we had to buy one. It's beautiful, full, very green and can hold our ornaments without drooping to the floor. My husband is in love. I am sad because I love our tradition. I'm also afraid that I might have an "unfortunate" foot accident every year around Christmas tree time just so my husband can feast his eyes on the beauty of a store bought tree. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

I have a "fake" tree that is part of the family. It's older than my kids, this is the 21st year we've used it and it still looks wonderful. I'm attached and I can't imagine Christmas without it. However, so as not to deprive my kids, we will sometimes go to a tree farm, take the hayride, drink the hot chocolate, visit with the animals and check out the gift shop, then head home to put up our "real" tree. I have pine trees in my yard too, so if I need the "smell" I can just walk outside for a bit. Love your blog! Thanks for the laughs! Merry Christmas.