August 4, 2011

Flashing the UPS man

This morning I cleaned all the bathrooms. In my underwear. I did this to avoid getting bleach stains on what's left of my already paltry summer wardrobe.

Due to an unfortunate crayon-in-the-dryer incident a few weeks back, I've had more casualties this season than usual. But that's another story...

While I was scrubbing mysterious green stains off the bottom of my sons' bathtub, the doorbell rang. All my older kids were locked in a room playing a Wii that I rented from the library. Cameron was spraying Windex onto the tile floor next to me.

"Oh!" he said when he heard the noise and hopped to this feet.

"Don't answer the door," I told him.

Of course he did anyway.

To his credit, the UPS man did not step foot inside my house. Unfortunately, he didn't need to. I still don't have blinds on the windows on either side of my front door.

"Just leave it on the doorstep," I called out as I dove to the ground.

The UPS man must be used to seeing naked and semi-naked housewives because he told me without flinching that he would close his eyes while he passed me the contraption that I needed to sign.

I was sufficiently mortified.

"Cameron!" I hissed when I closed the door. "That's why I don't want you opening doors."

That's also why I need to suck it up and buy the blinds and/or clean the bathrooms less frequently.

Because nobody needs to see that.

45 comments

HD said...

Whoops!
The other afternoon I had just gotten out of the shower when there was a knock. My dogs went crazy but I wasn't about to answer it. About two minutes went by and I snuck down the stairs, eying the front door the entire time, until I figured the coast was clear. I made my way to the kitchen when I realized the knock came from our back door and there stood our neighbor *blush*

Morgan -Ing said...

That's rough. Maybe... a bathrobe for quick changes?

Anonymous said...

That is a good UPS man. :)

craftyashley said...

My husband is a UPS man. Your sitauation is not uncommon, and he's pretty used to it. No need to be too embarrassed. You'd be surprised what people open the door wearing purposefully.

Cindy said...

Ahh...I do so remember the crayon in the dryer days...but look at it this way, it could have been your father in law! ;)

Cindy said...

I'd say clean the bathrooms less frequently. Better safe than sorry!

Tammy said...

Oh my, yep, your father-in-law would have been MUCH worse!

Mal said...

Story: My grandmum was out gardening waiting for my other grandmum to come pick her up so they could go visiting. Grandmum #1 heard the car pull up and looked over to see Grandmum #2 shouting out her window. When she finally composed herself enough to roll down the window, Grandmum #2 said, "Iris! You have no skirt on!"

Nothing like seeing a 300 pound, 68-year-old woman bent over in naught but her undies.

Toshia said...

My dad is a UPS man and he has some pretty interesting stories about things he has seen! My favorite story is the naked sunbather....we live in Oregon, not really a place you would expect that!

Tracie said...

While breastfeeding my youngest at home someone started banging repeatedly on the door that goes from our kitchen into the garage. Thinking it was my oldest and Hubby who had been grocery shopping and their hands must be full of bags I rushed to the door (topless) and threw it wide open only to discover the next door neighbors 4 children looking for my daughter to play. Still not sure why they didn't use the front door but having to explain what happened to their parents was very embarrasing.

Emmy said...

Lol! Yea- best not to answer the door :)

Sarah said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! I've had nightmares about such scenarios.

Tabitha said...

Were they backwards?

Nancy said...

Skip the blinds. Go for adhesive window film. My semi naked relationship with the neighborhood UPS man is legendary.

http://themiddlebit.blogspot.com/2009/09/note-to-self-do-delicates.html

WTG on the kid wi the Windx though...whoot!

the emily said...

I was in the shower one day and my 3-year-old comes in to tell me someone is at the door. I said "CLOSE IT AND NEVER OPEN IT WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER AGAIN!" Then I thought it might be a kidnapper so I wrapped up in a towel and ran out to find the DHL delivery guy standing outside my wide-open front door. He goes "Hey, at least you have a towel." I said "You've already seen it, I'm just going to sign." That's when we invested in high-up locks that my boys can't reach.

Crystal Jeffers said...

I literally LOLed at this story... Then I shared the link on fb. :) I am so glad that you are willing to share these stories with all of us. And to think that I am mortified to answer the door in my PJ's at 3pm never again!

Mom of 12 said...

I sleep in my underwear. One evening, late, after I was in bed, I heard my grownup son come in. Since I needed to share a phone message with him, I dragged myself out of bed and over to the door. My bedroom opens onto a landing over our entryway, and as I stepped out to grab his attention, it never occurred to me that he might not be alone...his best friend blushed the prettiest shade of pink...I'm sure it matched my own.
Sandy

Kristen said...

Have you thought about gathering all of these great posts into a book? Would make a great "Pooper Book". One can read a few entries every time they are in the bathroom! You could sell millions because you are so funny.

Melissa said...

Thanks all of you for a belly laughing morning! It is 1/4 to 7 and I am sitting here with a smile. So thanks! This story made me laugh and laugh! I clean my tub the same way. Drop the skirt, and scrub so i don't get bleach on anything. Hard lesson learned. Though, I usually keep cloths on hand so I can jump into them in case the UPS guy comes to the door! : )

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

Our UPS guy must have seen lots of crazy, too...especially when the girls were tiny, I would easily open the door with mismatched pajamas, crazy hair, and spit-up dripping. Neither he nor the mailman seemed to give it a second thought. I wonder if it's part of their training? ;)

Niki said...

I say start cleaning with vinegar...

Anonymous said...

try stain devils. they are tiiiiiiiiiiiny yellow bottles from heaven. they have very exact stain disasters they clean up. they do sell a crayon formula. they should sell them at walmart, if not google and buy it. it once removed a year old cocoa stain. i used the chocolate formula, of course.

Kelly said...

What a gentlemen! I have a similar open door situation at my house. Good thing I don't clean in my underwear.

Deveny said...

I work from home & start at around 5am so the desire to get dressed is slim to none, especially since it's generally just my 1 1/2 yr old around. I've had quite a few times when I've had to scramble to get a bra/shirt on because the UPS man was at the door. I'm just waiting for the one time I forget & simply open the door. Awesome.

Jenny in NC said...

I'm impressed at your proper use of the apostrophe in the phrase "sons' bathroom."
Apostrophe errors are my pet peeve. I will be a fan of your blog forever now!

Jenny in NC said...

Oh, and I forgot to ask if you have had similar mishaps when your children answer the phone. Once I was in the bathroom when the phone rang and I BEGGED my 3 yr old not to answer. But she did anyway, and informed the caller that I was pooping. Great. I'm still not sure who it was on the phone. I hope I never know.

Amy said...

My husband is a UPS driver...he says people open the door wearing (or not wearing) interesting ensembles.

Lauren Gardner said...

Haha! That is so funny! You have the best stories!!!
www.gavinandlauren.blogspot.com

Erin said...

once, when i lived at home with my mom and sisters, i got out of the shower and headed downstairs (towel on my head, not my body) to my room in the basement. the catch? my mother neglected to let me know the cable guy was there, and saw my entire journey. another time, i stepped into the hallway (again, towel on head) at the precise moment my sister's boyfriend was also stepping into the hallway. we both froze in horror, and then in my panic i turned and ran down the stairs instead of stepping back into the bathroom. that was about 6 years ago and my family still won't let me live it down.

moral of the story: it happens to the best of us. either that, or i should forget about drying my hair and cover up, for god's sake! :)

eliana23 said...

maybe you should have worn your underwear backwards, like the kids. :)

Robin said...

I've had similar experiences. Why can't kids understand we're serious about not answering that doorbell!

Laurie said...

Oh my gosh, another one that caused my kids to yell, "Mom! WHAT is so FUNNY?" I see someone else is encouraging you to write a book... I'm tellin' ya, BIG BUCKS! Your stories are so legendary... someone recalling the father-in-law story cracked me up! That was THE BEST... well, for us, not for you. :)

jenny.hawkes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

I have had a shirt or ten bite the dust from bathroom bleaching instances. Now I just put an apron on and clean in that. (I do wear clothes under it, or it wouldn't be much better than your own situation). It has saved the rest of my clothes...so far.

Kayla said...

Bahaha! :) Love this!

Melinda said...

I'm in the habit of putting on a fairly ratty old night gown and just surviving the day without exiting the house. My kids play outside and come when I call (thank goodness!). But recently, my father in law has started dropping by randomly. Coincidentally, I've also started wearing lounge clothes more often than the old nightie. :)

BeckyB.West said...

I'm sure the UPS man has lots of good stories. My mom once forgot to tell me that she'd hired window washers. I stepped out of the shower to find an unexpected visitor looking right into my bathroom window (going about his business, of course:)

BeckyB.West said...

Also, thankfully our kind of underwear aren't too exciting to look at anyway:)

Mommy Inconsistent said...

That is hilarious! I laughed out loud at the thought of you diving out of the UPS guy's sight. tee heeee heee..still laughing.

Anonymous said...

Two days ago I had on just my bra and underwear and decided to dash downstairs to get my clothes from the laundry room. No problem, everyone else is still sleeping, right? Wrong! My 22 year old nephew had gotten up early to catch up on email before work. I'll probably have to pay for counseling for him...

Anonymous said...

I had a similar crayon incident a few years ago. I washed the load of clothes again using the hottest water setting on my machine and Tide soap for cold water. It took out all the stains.

Vaso said...

Love you! You're hilarious!!!

Audrey Hammer said...

Sometimes I clean the bathroom in my swim suit.

I have a friend whose toddler answered the door while my friend was on the toilet -- the bathroom was a straight shot from the front door, and she had it open so the toddler wouldn't get scared.

I knew someone who locked herself out of her house in her underwear when she went out to grab the newspaper. She had to hang out for eight hours for someone to come home.

Amy M. said...

The title alone had me burst out laughing. I track my packages like crazy, frequenting the websites and entering my tracking # so I will know exactly when my package will arrive so that I can be fully dressed, hair done, and even some dab on some makeup because no way am I going to answer a door in my pj's or 'arround the house' clothes.

Sathish Kumar said...

hi BeckyB.West this is ur child so cute.